Yes, I Know
Wednesday, July 01, 2015
So I have been AWOL again. It seems most of by blog entries seem to be explaining absences, but here we go.
I have talked before about how I suffer seasonal depression. For the most part I have developed coping mechanisms that allow me to hide it/work through it. The trouble is that this year shifting the effects of the depression hasn't been so easy.
I generally find that the depression itself peaks around my birthday (Mar 21st) and then things start to gradually get better for me. This year, whilst the depression itself has gone I am still eating at a winter level (not much at all) and my energy levels have not increased. I went to the doctor about it (first non-routine visit in something like 15yrs, so that should tell them something about the way I am feeling) - she seemed sympathetic enough, offered blood tests and suggested if they show nothing it may just be my age.
Obviously I have never been to medical school, but I am sure at 41 it shouldn't feel that my life is over.
I have aches in my arms and legs from even the lightest activity, get out of breathe over very little - but my bloods all came back normal so as far as she is concerned, that's it. She told me to go back in a few weeks, but to be honest if I do it won't be to see her.
But anyway, that's had me out of action for a while - I mean, I literally sit down for a moment and fall right asleep.
In fact, there have been times I suspected my ME may have returned - but I didn't suggest that to the dr - I would rather not think of that as a possibility. I have been clear of that for 25yrs now, I don't even want to consider a return to those days!
So, I am fighting back against my body. In the way the hunger pains used to make the 17yr old me feel that my eating was in control, now I am taking the ache of tiredness as a sign that I am controlling the amount of work I do and not my body. Just pushing a little harder each day so that I can mentally beat it.