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Hurting

Friday, May 15, 2015

Yesterday was hell. Plain and simple. Big fight with the ex. He has since informed me that he is basically over me and that no one will ever love me. (He's a real gem, isn't he ladies?!)

Thank goodness I had a counseling session and talk with my Mom to talk me out of believing him. Because, honestly, even if I am all alone for the rest of my life, that would be so much better than the torture of being with someone AGAIN who is incapable of loving me in the way I deserve.

My counselor knows the situation better than anyone. She has been both my individual counselor and our marriage counselor. And she saw me through the worst of it and heard him throughout the past year. And she has admitted to me that even though she is the biggest proponent of marriage and staying together and, in most cases, against divorce, she agrees with my conclusions in this case. She actually echoed my mother in telling me that I deserve better...and I'm worth asking for that.

We spent our session writing out a pro/con list of everything this is going to mean for me and my life and the kids...and when it came down to it, even though I am risking everything by doing this, at the very least it is HONEST...for once...and finally. I have been in two tragic relationships in my life with men that I made excuses for and hid to the world that I was unhappy because I wanted to protect them from the backlash and I wanted to protect myself from the shame of knowing the truth - these men can't love me. Twenty years with my father. Twenty years with Shane. I'm done with that road. So maybe I will be alone all my life. That's fine. Because it's honest. I've been alone WITH them for 34 years. At the very least this is the most honest I have been with myself and the rest of the world. And if I ever do decide to date again, I will ONLY accept people I don't have to chase who don't need convincing and who are capable of loving me in the way I deserve - fully and without reservation.

That being said, I slept like hell last night so even though my heart feels a little better, my head and body hurt like nothing I've known! My legs and foot hurt from walking a little too fast out of anger.

How did I eat yesterday? I don't care.

I survived yesterday.

THAT is my victory. And I am completely 100% happy with that.

Today and tomorrow and next week are another story. Yesterday was about survival.

So, plan for the weekend/next week. I need to go grocery shopping because we have NOTHING at the house. *lol* Even my youngest said yesterday, "OMG! We need food, Mom!" (It was a rough first part of the month adjusting to one salary and with car troubles. This part of the month should be a teeny bit better and then it will just improve from there.)

So, grocery shopping. I will be planning health(ish) and budget-friendly dinners for:

Monday
Tuesday
Friday

Sunday and Wednesday are HIS days. Saturday is a choir concert and Thursday is a band concert, so we'll have to grab something quick those nights.

I WILL be prepping my lunches for the week on Sunday. I plan to make up 4oz of chicken breast for each day, some steamed broccoli, maybe some cooked carrots, some brown rice, etc. I'll buy some containers and have my lunches ready to go for the week. I'll also purchase some fruit for snacks and desserts. I may decide to make up some sort of special healthy dessert for the week, but I haven't decided on that yet. I just need to have something diet-friendly to curb my sweet tooth.

I'll also need lunches for tomorrow and Sunday, so I'll probably treat those like our dinners and then we'll grab something quick that evening.

I'm still hoping to be down that last 2 pounds by Thursday, my official weigh-in for the month. Wish me luck!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • LIFEFOUNDONARUN
    So sorry you are going through this. Sure sounds like you are a strong woman though! Yes, you do deserve a good man who shows you respect and loves you the way you want to be loved. Don't settle for less! Good luck to you! emoticon
    2075 days ago
  • ERIN1128
    I'm so sorry your ex is being a jackass, but I'm really glad you're doing the right thing and talking to a counselor about it instead of taking the easy way out and diving into a black hole. Just try to keep taking care of you!
    2075 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4764832
    I had the greatest counselor when I was going through my divorce and she just told me straight out that my ex husband was never going to be the person I wanted him to be. And don't listen to Shane. I know it is hard in the moment, but you're in control now. Don't let him be. My ex told me that who ever I was going to be with was going to have their hands full because I had a lot of problems. They say things because it is easier to hurt us then to look honestly at themselves. You deserve to be happy and be with someone who loves you. I believe this with all my heart and said it to my son the other day, when you are with the right person all this b*llsh*t just don't happen. Yes relationships are tough but when it is right it acts right.

    I am glad you survived yesterday and you will continue to have the worst days ever and then the best day, because you will get through this because you are strong.

    Just keep remembering that no matter what, you have the answers in your heart, your head, they aren't in the ice cream even though in the moment, it seem so right!!

    emoticon emoticon
    2075 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/15/2015 11:56:07 AM
  • SUGIRL06
    I am so sorry you are hurting! I wish I could drive out to you and give you a big hug. You KNOW that you DESERVE a man who will fall at your feet and shower you with love. It is still hard to believe when you are going through a rough time. I am glad you have someone to talk to about everything.
    emoticon emoticon
    ~Ang
    2075 days ago
  • FROGGERHKC
    I'm sorry that you are hurting, sending hugs to you! You're doing great through this, and you will get through. You have a good plan for the week. I wish I lived closer to give you a real hug. Stay strong hun, you can do this! emoticon
    2075 days ago
  • FROGGERHKC
    I'm sorry that you are hurting, sending hugs to you! You're doing great through this, and you will get through. You have a good plan for the week. I wish I lived closer to give you a real hug. Stay strong hun, you can do this! emoticon
    2075 days ago
  • BETH4SUCCESS
    You're going to fine...you can do this!
    2075 days ago
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