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Thursday, May 14, 2015

I have been pondering of late my age, my circumstances, my friends, family, the pain and suffering I have been through and the gifts and love I have experienced. In my mind, I have followed the footprints of my life here on this Blue planet for nigh on 57 years. Yes, my chagrin has led me to the mistakes, the poor choices, the hard work and devotion I have given others, the challenges I have faced interlaced with the love, consideration and protection I have afforded many, the wonders I have witnessed, the countries I have travelled in and lived in; the people, cultures, beliefs and hopes whose lives have crossed, shared or been a part of mine. I found myself today awakening to that old familiar fear and anxiety that lives with me now more intensely than at any other time it seems. I struggle now to hold on to positive, happy and kind thoughts and this dark time is indeed a dreadful one. I print out my list of things to do, books to read yet by end of day most lay waiting for me. I do my exercise routine that I suspect has kept my head above water. I journal some days and listen to Hay House radio on others. I actually try to do something daily to help myself yet the shadows remain, the circling cold fingers of the unknown tightening their grip around my chest and heart. The melancholia of the darkness surrounds me in the dawn and all the words of prayer and gratitude seem to fall on fallow ground with a whisper or echo that is the pebble stones of my path to nothing and nowhere. A sense of foreboding, doom and gloom covertly darts in the underbrush of my thoughts and I fight to keep balance and to give myself a few minutes of peace in this forest of anxiety and worry. I remind myself with quotes from my note books….’There is always a tomorrow with God’; ‘The worst never happens’; ‘This too shall Pass’…..and so it goes….the words reverberate like an echo in a canyon fading slowly into stillness.

As I gazed at my Facebook friends, their lives and stories, I found myself wondering why them and not me. Why am I not retired, enjoying travel and visiting grand babies; why am I not secure, safe, and strolling into the golden years with a life story to write, courses to take, perhaps a Master degree to consider; gazing at photos of those girlfriends whose weight never seems to leap about giving rise to weight challenges, stretched skin or puffy faces; friends whose exercise routines seems to be getting better and smarter and who's faces seemed to have defied gravity; I smile at the photos of paintings and knitted sweaters, pottery and Art creations arising from hobbies....those with time to have a hobby and the discipline to do them be they art or craft.....why not me???? Have I not been kind, caring, loving and considerate? Have I not worked hard, stayed the course, been honest, committed and lived my life for the most part with integrity? Is this Karma, poor choices, or am I a victim of circumstances, poor choices and mistakes that I find myself struggling so? Will my circumstances change? Will I ever be at peace and financially safe again?

Am I full of envy for my friends who delight in sharing photos of their latest adventure, the start of a sailing trip around the world, the beaches of Bali, the mountains of Greece or churches of Jerusalem, smiles of new born babies in their lives, new couches purchased as they spruce up the place, the car they just bought and the tickets they just purchased to a concert, hotel rooms with views of the ocean and London skylines....the wonder of freedom of health, time and money to enjoy, to embrace life and to LIVE....to truly LIVE.......the answer is no! I do not envy, I rejoice for them as they too, are good people. I am happy for them and send warm, encouraging notes to celebrate their lives but inside I cry, inside I feel pain and loneliness; inside I wonder why? I am however, never envious for that emotion is unseemly and inappropriate. It serves no purpose and reveals a kind of peculiar malice in many ways. Envy is about bitterness and resentment and I do not feel these feelings….I simply feel lost, sad and confused…..but never envy….


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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Just focus on today. Most people who keep up this huge happy persona end up divorced , bankrupt and lonely! You are a great support and I appreciate your encouragement. Thanks Rob! emoticon
    2196 days ago
  • ELSCO55
    2203 days ago
    2211 days ago
    2219 days ago
    I am sorry to hear you are going through a difficult time. A lot of people have to steer clear of Facebook, because it acts as a depressant for them. Your friends sound very accomplished and wonderful, but you might want to take a little break and see how that makes you feel. Do you feel better if you check in a little less? If you take Facebook vacations every so often?

    Not retiring is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, it's cool if you can keep working. Do you know that a lot of people become unhealthy after they retire? Their health takes a dive, because they're not really doing anything worthwhile anymore. Work can keep life interesting and help you meet new people and be involved in the world in a way that retired people can't have anymore. I would love to hear more about the work you do, it sounds really interesting, what I've heard so far.

    If you want to start a new hobby, that might be good. You could learn how to do things online, through books, or classes. You may even have friends who can do things that would love to teach you. I think you are really gifted, intellectually, the way you know about so many things. And spiritually, also, you are very spiritual compared to a lot of other people. But having a new hobby or two could be really fulfilling and fun!

    I think you look really beautiful! You don't have to envy other women that. You look really great. Your new profile picture has you looking all glamorous at the beach with this great smile. Very pretty!

    Anyway, I think you need to decide what you want to do and plot a course to do it! It may be that you want to do more than one thing, that would keep you busy! emoticon
    2228 days ago
    It's time for the sunshine
    2228 days ago
  • no profile photo CD14803649
    I am reminded of this quote by Dr Wayne Dyer...

    Every time I pick up a coin on the street, I view it as a symbol of abundance that the universe sends into my life, and feel gratitude. Thank you, universe for everything. Never do I ask, "Why only a penny?"

    Have a joyful weekend full of love!

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    2228 days ago
    Keep steering straight, even amid a whirlwind of emotions tearing you left and right. Stay on course and remember, as you have said, This too shall pass. Best to you as you struggle with these negative feelings.
    2229 days ago
  • no profile photo CD13391335
    emoticon May peace soon find its way onto your being.
    2229 days ago
    Bless you for responding....this past 6 months have been some of the hardest I have faced since Helen. I journal gratitude every night before I go to bed, a promise I made myself a few weeks ago. Upon hearing that by writing out 3 new things every day will help shift my mind I gave a commitment to write them out. A distant friend in the ethers reminded me that the only way to end darkness is to switch on the light :-)

    What hurts you, blesses you. Darkness is your candle.” Rumi
    2229 days ago
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    2229 days ago
    I don't know your circumstances but I do know the struggle and uncertainty of trying times. There doesn't seem to be a rhyme or reason to these things sometimes. I try to start my day with gratitude no matter what, and you're right envy serves no purpose and just leads to more feelings of misery. There is always hope though and new choices and paths to follow. I wish you peace. emoticon
    2229 days ago
  • JIMA64
    Heavy, very heavy.
    2229 days ago
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