Thursday, May 14, 2015
I have been pondering of late my age, my circumstances, my friends, family, the pain and suffering I have been through and the gifts and love I have experienced. In my mind, I have followed the footprints of my life here on this Blue planet for nigh on 57 years. Yes, my chagrin has led me to the mistakes, the poor choices, the hard work and devotion I have given others, the challenges I have faced interlaced with the love, consideration and protection I have afforded many, the wonders I have witnessed, the countries I have travelled in and lived in; the people, cultures, beliefs and hopes whose lives have crossed, shared or been a part of mine. I found myself today awakening to that old familiar fear and anxiety that lives with me now more intensely than at any other time it seems. I struggle now to hold on to positive, happy and kind thoughts and this dark time is indeed a dreadful one. I print out my list of things to do, books to read yet by end of day most lay waiting for me. I do my exercise routine that I suspect has kept my head above water. I journal some days and listen to Hay House radio on others. I actually try to do something daily to help myself yet the shadows remain, the circling cold fingers of the unknown tightening their grip around my chest and heart. The melancholia of the darkness surrounds me in the dawn and all the words of prayer and gratitude seem to fall on fallow ground with a whisper or echo that is the pebble stones of my path to nothing and nowhere. A sense of foreboding, doom and gloom covertly darts in the underbrush of my thoughts and I fight to keep balance and to give myself a few minutes of peace in this forest of anxiety and worry. I remind myself with quotes from my note books….’There is always a tomorrow with God’; ‘The worst never happens’; ‘This too shall Pass’…..and so it goes….the words reverberate like an echo in a canyon fading slowly into stillness.
As I gazed at my Facebook friends, their lives and stories, I found myself wondering why them and not me. Why am I not retired, enjoying travel and visiting grand babies; why am I not secure, safe, and strolling into the golden years with a life story to write, courses to take, perhaps a Master degree to consider; gazing at photos of those girlfriends whose weight never seems to leap about giving rise to weight challenges, stretched skin or puffy faces; friends whose exercise routines seems to be getting better and smarter and who's faces seemed to have defied gravity; I smile at the photos of paintings and knitted sweaters, pottery and Art creations arising from hobbies....those with time to have a hobby and the discipline to do them be they art or craft.....why not me???? Have I not been kind, caring, loving and considerate? Have I not worked hard, stayed the course, been honest, committed and lived my life for the most part with integrity? Is this Karma, poor choices, or am I a victim of circumstances, poor choices and mistakes that I find myself struggling so? Will my circumstances change? Will I ever be at peace and financially safe again?
Am I full of envy for my friends who delight in sharing photos of their latest adventure, the start of a sailing trip around the world, the beaches of Bali, the mountains of Greece or churches of Jerusalem, smiles of new born babies in their lives, new couches purchased as they spruce up the place, the car they just bought and the tickets they just purchased to a concert, hotel rooms with views of the ocean and London skylines....the wonder of freedom of health, time and money to enjoy, to embrace life and to LIVE....to truly LIVE.......the answer is no! I do not envy, I rejoice for them as they too, are good people. I am happy for them and send warm, encouraging notes to celebrate their lives but inside I cry, inside I feel pain and loneliness; inside I wonder why? I am however, never envious for that emotion is unseemly and inappropriate. It serves no purpose and reveals a kind of peculiar malice in many ways. Envy is about bitterness and resentment and I do not feel these feelings….I simply feel lost, sad and confused…..but never envy….