Gah! I'm so SICK of falling apart at night!
It started yesterday at lunch. Lovely coworker thought it was nice to bring us some Wendy's Frosty treats. SUPER nice! Super not what I needed. Not to mention, it was a large, and though I tried to stop halfway, I ended up sitting there and chatting and finishing the thing. *facepalm* So I basically ruined any chance at a normal dinner. As much as I wanted to go straight home and go to sleep and hit my calorie goals and be fine...
* I had to take Ethan to his counselor. He's a mess right now too and I'm trying to figure out how to help him cope.
* Then I had to drop him off at his Dad's. I HATE this part more than anything else. I want my kids with me 24/7! Dropping them off and knowing they're having fun and experiences without me and I won't even get to know what really happened...and the chance that him and his parents are talking about me to them behind my back. Ugh! I hate this part.
* I had to talk to him. I couldn't just drop off and leave because, unfortunately, I'm having car trouble...and instead of paying $600 to get it fixed, he's offered to fix it and even pay for the parts...which total about $70-100. *sigh* So I had to talk to him about the car. And that was the most we've really talked in a long time and I hated it and didn't hate it enough. GAH!
* I had to go to the grocery store on a limited budget. This is annoying and stressful on top of everything else but because I've taken over most of the finances, things are tight right now. It's been a LONG time since I've been this tight...certainly since before I got this amazing job I have now. (I'll catch up eventually, I have a few payments left on a couple things and that will free up like $350 per month...)
* I had to work last night. I wanted to go back and sleep, but I couldn't...because I had some photo editing to do. PIctures are due May 15th to my client and I've decided to leave this weekend, which is when I usually edit. So I need to squeeze in editing time in the evenings.
So I impulsively bought one of those stupid apple pies. And ate it without even really tasting it.
And then I had a bologna sandwich and three pickles. That would have been a fine dinner if that had been it.
And then he came over to drop the boys off. And I had to talk to him about the car again. And he picked up his mail. And he stayed way too long. And it hurt. And I also didn't want him to leave, even though I know better. GAH! I HATE being weak!
So when he left, what did I do? Go to bed? No...I had laundry that needed to be done...so I had to stay up to change it (or so I thought)...and so I sat down and ate cheese and crackers and a bottle of coke. GAH!!
I hated yesterday.
I don't want to repeat it.
And tonight I have a planned dinner with friends. It's something we do once a month. Between lack of funds, lack of calories and self-control and lack of emotional stability...is this going to be another month lost to my crappy emotions?!
I'll weigh in tomorrow morning and we'll see how bad this week has been for me. I dread it. I dread everything these days.
And this weekend I'm going to my Mom's house. Maybe she'll let me sleep the whole time...I think that's the only way to control my intake right now.
GAH! I HATE this!
Okay, so I'm TRYING to be really good throughout the day. The plan is to make the best choices I can tonight and then go home and get to bed early.
I did walk the dogs last night. Super short walk, but more than I have been able to do... NSV?
Tomorrow I'll try to stay right on target. I'm planning for some of my favorite pizza while up at Mom's. I'm not sure what she plans for food on Saturday or Sunday. We'll likely have lunch Saturday at her house since she'll have my nephew for a visitation. But dinner? It's usually dinner out or Chinese or pizza in. JUST DO THE BEST YOU CAN, ESTHER.
NOTHING that isn't actually WORTH IT.
I NEED to lose 8 pounds this month. I NEED that for my mental stability right now.
So...yesterday was another day lost to my emotions. On the upside, I'm at least a little more aware these days. Last month was a literal fog of I have no clue what. I WILL get there... I HOPE.