Memories Running Through My Thoughts

As my status says can't sleep tonight because memories keep running through my thoughts keeping me up. Can't talk to my son on his very birthday, his 16th one cause he is with my brother and sister-in-law and they have stopped me from having any contact with him and his little brother. So tonight all I can do is think about how proud I am of him wishing I could tell him myself. So thinking about him and all the years missed with him and his brother to make me feel better I am remembering when they were both babies and some of the proudest moments have of both of them. My birthday boy's first several words but can't remember what his first one was, were up, no, and of course dada. I am remembering how fast he learned to sit up, crawl, and take his first steps. My oldest boy was always surprising me how fast he learned everything from his ABC's to his 123's. Now he is in high school and still making good grades. Couldn't be more proud of my oldest who now to be either a paleontologist or herpetologist when he grows up but before going to college wants to serve his country by being in the special services by being a sniper or pilot. Yep he has always had big dreams and goals for himself and is willing to do anything to make them happen. The only thing wish he would change is that he is acting more like his dad, who is not a good role model for him to follow, by instead of playing sports wants to do things involving sports to make money like running the score board. So of course instead of enjoying Spring Break or Summer vacation he plans on working and not doing things that teenagers usually do during times when get a break from school and homework. See thinking like his father did that money is the most important thing in life and can't be happy without it not family or friends. Not to get off the subject of my 16 yr old son but let me explain real quick why his dad is not a good role model for him to follow. First of all he had almost arranged for his little brother to be adopted while still in my womb, then when he had visitation with him and his brother would drop them off at their grandma's instead of spending time with them himself, and finally he left the country and got married over seas just so he wouldn't have to pay child support and be a responsible parent instead of the selfish and heartless person who he was and finally showed all the bad faults he had before, during, and after the divorce. For those 3 reasons he is not a good role model for my oldest to follow and wish he would find another. I might know and remember all the things his father did when they were both babies and remember all I did wrong when didn't have my mental illness under control all I can hope and pray for is that as smart as he is realizes that I regret all I ever did back then and forgive me. Knowing I think about and miss them everyday more and more, know in his heart that I love him and his brother so very much. I can't wait until they are both 18 and can write and/or send a recording or video explaining to them both why was out of their lives for so long and proving that I NEVER EVER chose a man over them and can't wait until the day that I can have contact with them again. By that time I hopefully will be married and he can meet his new step father who can give him some insight on how much I do think about and miss them both along with my nephews that he has been living with all these years and how much I worry about him not forgiving me and loving me since have been gone so long. Also he can shed some insight on what to expect when he does try for the special service cause he was one. He has no idea that I have had pictures them both along with my nephews on my computer at all times and on the wall behind my computer also.

Ok it is 4 am right now and think I have said enough so going to try to get some sleep now. Bye all.