Sunday, April 05, 2015
Arriving back home at 5:15 this morning, leaving Easter Bunny treasures on my granddaughter's front porch while it's pouring down rain, I thank God with a smile on my face. I tried to figure out why...incomewise, I'm at about the lowest I've ever been. I live in a too small apartment for the needs of a 54 year old mom of five's accumulations. I receive little encouragement from those I love for anything that I do, but happily do it (sounds like I'm stupid, doesn't it? :)). They like to use me for a sounding board, rather than anything I can do for them, yet not one knows how to listen and return helpful emotional response. Instead, as if it is competition or have to outdo me, my dilemma, or my triumph...their friends or other family or themselves as examples for me-my self esteem is great at this point NOT. Yet, analyzing this, I'm laughing. This is not my shortcoming. And for all that I don't have, I have gratitude for what I do, and have learned a certain contentment with my present lifestyle, without settling for/with it. There seems to be a more balanced me. The one refusing to be party to the emotional roller coasters of life.
As a preteen, after a few tries, trying to teach me how to walk properly as a lady, I believe that mother gave it up as hopeless. She was unaware of the ridicule that I'd heard from older brothers and their friends, about fems 'wiggling their butts', and that her exaggerated demonstration of toe heel reminded me of some small children adjusting to new tennis shoes. The book on the head too, next, left me questioning the prioritization of literary use. However, I did want to honor mother's request, and I didn't want to walk like a dweeb, duck, or other such embarrassing pose. For one, it wouldn't go well with the manners, and suck your tummy in, shoulders back, sit and stand up straight regimen received several times a day from all five other family members. Okay, how to do this, how to learn to do this successfully, yet not endure the mockery from three older brothers, peers, friends, in the interim. Not an easy task to accomplish for the middle schooler.
Poor mom, rather than have her see more manifestations of disappointment of my inability to perform some phenomenal feat of grace and poise, I behaved like the apathetic teen. Not the best defense mechanism, but at least peaceful. But what to use as examples in this quest? Aha, mom liked beauty pageants, my bros and their friends were not ridiculing the early 1970s supermodels! I watched and watched the models on tv when no one was home, trying to figure out just how they did that...and they weren't wiggling their rears, and yet, there seemed a certain sway. Then, it dawned on me! So simple. So easy. And using the advice you'd heard all your life. To get where you need to go, you put one foot in front of the other. Toe pointed, exactly put one foot in front of the other!!!!!! Laughing so hard. Try it, this is great! Now with my usual heels on. It works. Uh oh, now the book. This is not easy. But if I'm going to do this, I want it right. I chose a good firm hardbound bible. I not only learned to walk with that book on my head, but needed to instill every facet like those models. So,I practiced the turns, pivot, then up and down the stairs, then knees bent to pick something up off the floor. Months, I practiced, and every so often practiced again. I think I got it down. But oops, sometimes for balance a hand out by my side goes out, working much like the pinky does to balance the tea cup. Oh, I've been ridiculed for the way I walk, but by only one group of fems, the ones that ridicule and mock me for being a lady. I consider the source and forget it.
So, whoopee, a child learns to walk? The point is about the balance, especially with THAT book on my head (a lot to balance in the mind as a kid). If you look down, out of low self esteem or down about the world, that book is going to fall. If you put your nose up in the air, that book is going to fall.
Happy Easter All!