1 day pity party, from a newly divorced woman....
Saturday, December 06, 2014
Well, it is official. As of December 2nd, I became a legally and officially divorced woman. I just found out by my ex yesterday that the judge signed the papers on Tuesday. After almost a year and a half of separation to a douche canoe I was married to for only 2 weeks before he asked for a divorce, it is finally over. No one, in my entire life, hurt me as bad as Greg did. Of all the memories that we shared, the one that sticks out the most, was when we had our first fight after we got married, and he got really mad even though I didn't do anything wrong, and then he just started yelling at me. Just yelling and screaming at me and I just remember crying and crying and sobbing and sobbing and he wouldn't stop yelling at me, and when I was almost to the point of hyper ventilating because I was crying so hard he finally walked away. That was the first of many fights in the very short time we lived together after we got married. The last fight was when I begged him to go to marriage counseling so we could try to save our brand new marriage and he replied, "I would rather put a gun to my head and pull the trigger."
So when I started crying after I got the text yesterday, informing me that our divorce was final, I know I wasn't crying over Greg because he is a complete asshat. I believe I was (am) crying over the loss of my dreams and hopes that never came to fruition. I see that smiling, glowing, woman who was almost floating down the isle July of 2013, all googly eyed and grinning ear to ear. Thinking that it may have taken her 40 years but she had finally met the man of her dreams. Then the very man she thought she had waited for her whole life did everything in his power, to try and break her spirit. I wish I could go back in time and bitch slap her into reality.
In the 1.5 years that we had been separated, I have had one relationship. It was a whirlwind of a romance. It only lasted about a month, but I fell fast and hard, and he too, broke my heart and almost broke my spirit also.
Friends and family, excuse the rant. I think everyone should be entitled to one rant per divorce and this is mine. I am not having a pity party (okay, maybe I am having a MINOR one). I have a loving family, an amazing son, the most loveable cat in the world, who I am crazy about and adores me. I live in a house that I love, and drive a car that I love, to work every day substitute teaching, which means I get to be with kids all day, which I love. I have the most awesome best friend in the world Susan who has the most awesome boyfriend in the world D.j. I have my faith, and my health, and a Bachelor's degree with a double major. I have a lot to be grateful for, and I am grateful for all of these things.
However, I have to say, that I do not believe in love anymore. Not for me anyway. It makes me sad because I have more love to give than you could possibly imagine. All I have ever wanted more than anything on this planet, other than being a mom, was to be in love with someone who was in love with me back.
The Bible says to delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Maybe I have been doing a piss poor job of delighting myself in the Lord, because while I know He has not forsaken me, the desires of my heart (love) have gone unanswered for so long, that I honest to God do not believe in it anymore.
Thanks for letting me have my 1 day rant/vent/pity party. I needed to get this out of my system.