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Weepy and Determined

Saturday, September 06, 2014

So, this. I'm taking my depression medications. I'm drinking water. I'm running and exercising. I have a high sugar intake and I'm buoying my grandfather's loneliness as best I can - inviting over my own friends to visit and cook with us.

But still a pity party here and there that I do not beat myself up for. Perhaps something is birthing again, some newness that is making its way through the older habits of mind that I've ingrained in my neural pathways for decades. It has only been a few years of deliberate change, after all.

Maybe it's just the natural low after a couple weeks of amazing times laughing and playing outside in camping environments. Maybe I'm not working hard enough. And there I think is the crux.

I'm excited to continue the trend of this past week and yet I'm frightened of the past rearing its painful ache. The emptiness and the bowl-me-over emotions that roll through my body are very difficult to hold. The sun always rises again. But is there really no skipping the heartache, the grief, the deep fear that I drive people away with my constant need for reassurance that I am sufficient as I am?

*deep breath*

These are voices I have heard my whole life. I have done awesome things when listening to them and when *not* listening to them. I have some goals that are hard - in two weeks I'll be running/jogging my first half-marathon and I've done almost none of the training I intended to do. But, I was out for 45 minutes the day before yesterday and went for longer than a 5K with only a brief stretching break. I'll be out again today for the longest continuous run goal of my life. 10 miles. The lovely BF recommended taking a CamelBak. I thought this a good idea and found one on sale that is now full and chilling in the fridge.

So, emotions come and go. I will respect how I feel and do my best to trust the experiences that arise. I sure do love myself. *hugs*

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