This is the Day that everything changes..
Monday, August 18, 2014
I wrote that in my status today, because today when I got up with a weekend food hangover.. I decided that no more.. no more fooling around.. no more playing with fire and no more wishing that the rest of my weight would come off.. I don't know what hit me this weekend if it was stress or anxiety or maybe even both and the killer was this weekend was a planned weekend we had left on Friday to pick up my daughter from hockey camp in Lake Placid and the shoot over to Boston where she had a tournament to play in so lots of driving, lots of eating on the run. but what I found my self doing picking and eating JUNK.. my allergies where killing me.. it was like having a hangover my head was killing me I could not think just sat and ate and I hated that. other then that the weekend was good. she played very well and she as scouted out by a woman's junior hockey league, I mean that girl is on top of the world and I am so happy for her. She or course knows we cannot act on that because of the fact that don't live there even though she wants us to sell the house tomorrow and move.... hahah.. but seriously I told her that there will be others just keep playing the way you do.. and there will be more offers..
Yesterday feeling just a little better and vowed that I was not going to overeat or make bad choices, which got me through most of the ride home.. but what really got me through is this book I had downloaded and was reading on my kindle, it was a romance story of a girl who lost a ton of weight and went back to her home town to rekindle a high school love.. cute and kept my mind off of things that is for sure.. but what really hit home is when she was talking about the reason why she gained so much weight after collage even though she was a successful business owner.. and that was fear.. wow that hit me.. that four letter word.. fear.. I knew just what she meant .. it brought me right back to when I was 25 and I had lost a like 80 lbs.. ad I was so happy.. so thin I had dates, and friends and clothes.. but it all came back on do to my binging and eating in stead of saying thank you to someone who said I looked good I would run home and eat.. and I could never figure it out.. I thought I out grew that.. when I got older.. but I guess I didn't and that is fear.. why.. should I have fear now I ask my self. I am married I got a man who loves me I have a great family, healthy and happy, a good job.. I mean I am no CEO or business owner I am happy with what I do.. my oldest is 21 and working and is trying to make a life.. my husband talks about retirement which he can because he has worked for the state for 30 years.. so what am I afraid of???
So today I woke up and decided I was going to find out.. and work on me again.. I will admit I have been so consumed with working out, and planning my meals that is has taking over my life. I also have been so concerned with the fact that no matter what I do the scale is not moving. I know some of you have heard me whine and cry about that and to this day I don't know why well.. if I keep eating like I did this weekend that is the answer but its the days and weeks that I don't eat like that is what baffles me.. but that changes.. today I am going to start to work on what I am afraid of and what do I want to do from here on out.. how can I change and what do I need to do to change it... because this is the day that everything changes..
I do still plan on staying with spark. what I need to do is start using the tools again, such as blogging and writing things down.. the girl in the story talked about that.. that she always wrote down everything her feelings her food her emotions and she kept a note pad with her.. she worked through her feelings that way instead of eating.. and she stopped pretending that she was strong to handle it.. wow that hit me too because I do that all the time.. pretend that "I am strong" I got this.. when I don't have this.. but someday I will..
Thank you for listening to me, everyone on spark has been such a great supporter of me. and it is this site that I can come to for help and guidance.. and I am so happy to have that.. and from now on I am going to use that tool and reach out and ask for help..
Hugs to everyone..