Someone recently told me, "you seem really happy and strong" in regards to my posts on Facebook. Part of me was surprised because this has actually been a really hard year for me but then again I don't update the Facebook "world" on every struggle I encounter so I could see how she would come to that conclusion.
This year has been full of sickness, high stress situations and my own personal health issues. Am I trying to deceive everyone into believing I have it all together? No. A lot of my posts contain something positive, happy or some sort of proud moment... why? Because for me, a lot of the time I have to force myself to find the positive, to see the "little" blessings I may normally overlook because of being overwhelmed by everything else.
I'll post my proud moment of running __ amount of miles because the day before I had zero energy or motivation to get anything done.
I'll post about how one of my kids said or did something sweet or funny because until that point I was dealing with fighting/whining and was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Now I'm not trying to turn this into a "woe is me" blog... But more like an "I'm human too" announcement.
I have bad days, I have hard runs, I get angry, I cry... A lot. But I also have good moments, great runs, I have things/people that make me happy, who make me laugh... And that's what I have to force myself to focus on much of the time.
God has been good to me and I want to share and dwell on that.
I'm not superhuman.
I'm not the exception.
I'm me. I'm a daughter, sister, wife and mother. I'm just like every other person in this world. I get stressed out(more than I should) and eat a gigantic bowl of ice cream, I worry myself into an emotional breakdown, I struggle and you better believe I fail... A lot.
Because of Gods grace, mercy, and death and resurrection of His Son I have hope. I have a purpose. Even in my darkest hour I have hope, I just need to learn to hold on to that and trust Him.
"No guilt in life, no fear in death, this is the power of Christ in me."
I want to be a light, no matter how dim it may be in the darkness around me.
I'm not bounce off the wall happy, but I'm not unbelievably sad either. I'm not some strong energizer bunny but I'm not a constant couch potato.
The comment that brought on the blog entry in no way upset me, but it got me thinking... Am I a fake? Am I putting on a mask? The answer is no... I'm a very real person, especially with those close to me, but social media (I've learned from past experience) is not the place to share all your deep, dark, seemingly constant problems. That's what family, close friends AND your church family is for.
No Facebook comment is going to rid me of my situation, and while it may "help" it's not going to be the help I (or anyone else) needs.
But family and friends who will pray for you, help you practically... Yes.
This year has been humbling.
So here I am... A hot mess of a wife, a mother who doesn't get it right half of the time, a Christian who still sins *gasp* and an addicted runner TRYING to reach a new dream of running a marathon while dealing with life in the process.
If I can pull this off, it'll be by the Grace of God, a patient and supportive husband and my precious kids (and my awesome I run4 buddy, josh!) cheering me on... Not by my own strength or ability.
Go after your dreams now, life will never have the "perfect conditions" to do so!