Reason Not to Quit #1 – The Beach
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Today I took Lavinia to Cavendish Beach. I do like the beach. I felt oh so out of shape after my shenanigans this month. I went totally off plan, drinking wine, eating donuts and fast food. I have trained for the 5k but have not been exercising lately since I have been working extra hours.
We got to Cavendish and parked fairly close to the boardwalk. It was a nice sunny day and things were great until we walked down the stairs and onto the beach. Walking on sand is really hard anyway but yesterday I was winded and just could not keep up with Lavinia. She was getting irritated with me and I was getting irritated with myself. Each step felt like I was sloshing around in 3 feet of thick mud. It hurt to lift my feet out of the sand and as I stepped down I nearly lost my footing with each step as my sandals hit the sand. I took off my sandals after a few steps but it did not make much difference. It seemed like forever until we were at the water and it was not so hard to walk. I was ready to park our stuff and find a place to sit but Lavinia was not satisfied with our surroundings. She was more interested in making sand castles than swimming and the sand surrounding the supervised area was too crowded for sand castles. We finally found a good spot for sand castles and I just had to rest for a while instead of helping build. This disappointed me because it was just the two of us. If she had a friend the pressure would have been off and I could just relax. It is hard enough just going to the beach with your mother but super crappy when she does nothing but lie down the whole time. In the end, I only had a brief rest and we made a castle that looked more like a face with a huge mouth and big googly eyes early on. When we filled the hole it took a turn and looked like a hand weight. My back was hurting all day. I was tired out more than usual and could find no relief but did manage to have some fun and Lavinia did too.
Years ago, when my marriage went sour and I started putting on the bulk of my weight, I had gotten over caring about my appearance but over time little trickles of it starts coming back. It comes back in little flecks of self-consciousness. I have long stopped keeping myself from events and activities because of my weight. I know that I am a work in progress and part of me looks forward to a day when I can just go and enjoy myself and not have a flutter of self-doubt come over me. It is like for just a second I look at myself from someone else’s perspective and think things like, “Look at those big white legs.” and “See that jiggling belly?” and “Look at her panting and panting – so out of shape.” The thoughts disappear as fast as they come and I go back to whatever I am doing but they do pop up every once in a while. Although this perspective appears like it is coming from everyone around it comes from inside myself only. Although I do look forward to a time when they don’t come over me, I know it has nothing to do with weight. They could end tomorrow or they could continue on until I am at goal weight and beyond. There will always be something to criticize. The kicker is that there are people on the beach larger than me and I would not even dream of thinking these things about them. So why do they pop in my head about myself?
It is easy to confuse the reasons for wanting to lose weight and be in shape. Do I want to look better? Not really and although at times I say this is the case, it is not and is never a great motivator for me. Do I want to enjoy a fun day at the beach with my daughter and not be cranky because of the physical excerption and pain in my back? Yes. It is days like these that I write this blog so that it motivates me to stick with it when times get tough and I want to quit.