I am now 8 weeks post-op. I thought I knew my body before, but now I know it even more.
I am salt sensitive - and when I eat certain things, they can affect my weight by as much as 4 pounds between days.
Prior to the surgery, I hated to weigh in even once a week, now I have to weigh daily and it does not foster a panic, it is just teaching me to watch my body.
I crave water full fruits and veggie and raw.
I am living without oil and butter - whatever is used to prepare food is minimal, and I don't miss it.
I have increased my water consumption.
I don't miss meat - (a couple of times, I had something because I thought I craved it, but all I wanted was the salt that was used to prepare).
Eating salt cause my right leg to hurt ( from accident in 2009) and my joints to ache.
I am learning to properly process my emotions - I still get angry or emotional, however, now I really stop and pray - before I needed, yes, needed to be mad, and in that being mad, a little bit would remain with me, not 'letting it go' but storing up that data because I had a need to feel right and in control. If I have control, then no one could control or manipulate me and really I had no control and I was always being manipulated, emotional. Now it really is 'letting it go'.
Currently, I am listening to the Lord for my purpose and my next steps in my life. What is it that you will have me to do Lord. Open my eyes, heart and ears. Guide my steps and create divine order. Restore me to you, Oh Lord.
Yesterday, I heard from God and this was my status:
I will always believe that the cost of being nice is minimal and the fruit it yields is priceless. I will never change my mind on that, in spite of the way people treat each other. I dare hope!
That was a thought given to me by God. I went to find a graphic to place on my facebook page and it was there!
and attached to that was Lamentations 3: 16-21. I decided to read the entire chapter ( for me to fully understand a scripture I need to read what leads to a passage and what follows). Many times I have felt the pain and anguish expressed in this chapter, the despair of my life - not once did I think I was blaming God, but I was and it was perfectly alright as you will see when you read this passage. In spite of all I was feeling, I still dared to hope!
Living is an awesome feat - we exist, but are we living? Are we holding onto what was, what could have, should have been. Do we forgive the past - others and most importantly ourselves - can we believe that we deserve forgiveness from God and thus us forgiving ourselves? Do we spend time in dreams only to not have them actualize because believing them for real, for real would mean that we would have to change to accomplish them. We have seen, dream, believe and achieve - daring to dream is the first step, but the most important step is to believe in the possibility of that vision becoming a reality and many of us - even I
have had trouble with that concept - my questions would go like this - "is it possible for me to REALLY lose ALL this weight"; "is it possible for me to be debt free"; "is it possible for me to receive love, give love and it be sustaining"; "is it possible for me to be free from the past"; and there was such many more of those thoughts. In that line of questioning what my dream was, I did not trust the process, did not put forth the effort and therefore achieving my dreams was lost at that moment. Our beliefs determine our action and our action determines our results but it always starts with belief. A big part of belief is trust and trust beyond ourselves, beyond what we see, beyond what we feel, beyond our circumstances - and that is where I am.
Listen to me please, having my heart repaired was also beyond my belief - when I came out of surgery, my first words were : I am alive. I thank God for people like Lynn who believed in spite of my little doubt ( doubt is like yeast, given enough reasons why, it will grow and rise and take away hope) - and there were enough saints praying for me that kept that doubt at bay. Now, God, yes, I believe that there is God - and now I believe in more of what God can do. I believe that God led me to Lamentations 3, know that I would read the entire chapter and get understanding of where I have been and where I need and I am right now. What a revelation of God being in my life.
Now, as I heal, I am taking time to know me - not the image I create, or the one that someone may have of me - but the one God knows that I am and can be and now will be. I thank you for reading my blog and pray for a day of awesomeness for you.