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I AM ME

Friday, June 27, 2014

A long time ago, I wore my emotions on my sleeve and let everybody influence how I felt. I learned that those were my emotions and belonged only to me. They were there only if I let them be. I learned not to let anybody else have so much control over me that they could affect how I felt. This realization served me well for a long time. I found so much solace in knowing this.

Recently, I have let my guard down and have let people affect my emotions. I have allowed myself to be intimidated and I don't really like it.

Everybody is different. We all live our lives differently. Some of us are "near" perfect and well educated, some of use learn slower. I am a slow learner or maybe just not as interested in the same subjects as other people. It would be a shame if we all thought and lived alike. The world would be a little dull.

Anyway, I have not reached a good dedicated place with my food yet. I still struggle with every day that comes along. I give in to temptations and really don't have the total control as others. The last 4 months (and still 1 more) have been really tough. Haven't been able to do my water aerobics since Feb or any other cardio exercises. I think I am letting that have a big influence on my food lately. Just have to get over it.

I have always tried to be humble with my weight loss and not push it on others. We are not all in the same place. My mother lost 130 pounds, but she never said and did not believe that "if I can do it, you can too." She said that we are not all in the same place at the same time. Some have had that click and others have not found it yet. I try to understand this and give those people their space and just encourage (not preach) them with their progress or lack of. I try to understand the whole picture.

I am not going to say that I will do better tomorrow or next week or next month. I just don't know yet. I just have to take each day as it gets here. Oh, my hopes are that one day my "click" will arrive and I can be as strong as others that are being successful. In the meantime, I have got to get a hold on my emotions again and quit letting people intimidate me. That I can control. I have to quit feeling ashamed because I am still struggling and have not reached that glorious sought after goal. I have got to quit being angry with me because I am failing. I have got to quit feeling sad because I have not progressed like others have. I have got to find a happy place without the intimadations of others and maybe I, too, will find my click.

In the meantime, I am me and that is all I can be. I am not here nor am I capable of making happy or pleasing others. That is strictly up to them. All I ask is that I be given understanding that I have not reached the sublime place of self satisfaction yet. I will get there. I am not quitting. Take me or leave me.

After all, I am me.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • 4CYNDI
    Your words have touched me in a very sore spot (so to speak). I too have not progressed like others. I have had the scale move in the other direction. I spent 8 weeks in a cast, told not to put any weight on it and keep it elevated all the time. And then another 2 months in a boot. The energy expended to just move in those situations is brutal. **HUGS**

    I totally get the feeling like a failure because I have not hit my goal weight yet. It's been over 7 years since I started. I also haven't felt the "click". I have setbacks, I have days/weeks/months where I'm eating my emotions/pain/loneliness/etc. Then I realize that I'm truly NOT a failure. I have a lot of non-scale victories. I feel better. I am able to move more (now that I'm out of the cast/boot). I can walk without assistance, I can swim, kayak, rock climb, etc which I could not do before I started. So even though I've not completed the one goal (yet) I have succeeded in other areas.

    YOU are not a failure. Life happens. You are picking yourself once again. You are still moving, maybe not fast or far right now but still moving. Deciding that you want things to change is a great first step. Your journey is your own and should not be compared to others.

    Wishing you the best every day!
    2281 days ago
  • GAILANN48
    Oh, my goodness, did you know you were writing this not just for yourself, but for many of us out here?
    "I have to quit feeling ashamed because I am still struggling and have not reached that glorious sought after goal. I have got to quit being angry with me because I am failing. I have got to quit feeling sad because I have not progressed like others have." This quote is simply beautiful, my new friend, and I can't thank you enough for posting this and for touching the other points you did. You've made my day.
    2282 days ago
  • MASTERCARE
    I am leaving a comment so you know I did see this and have read it several times. Sometimes people who are NEAR perfect only wish to share and help those that are struggling. That is to say...they care enough to try to be there. I see now that it is truly only up to the individual whether they do so or not....whether they take the time to learn and understand the program and themselves. That is fine....for it shall take as long as it takes...if at all.

    I shall always wish you the best.


    2283 days ago
  • STARLITNIGHT
    Alice, your mother is very wise, and so are you! This journey, though we have a great support system here on Spark, this is still a very personal journey. No two journeys are a like, and we are always at different cross roads as we travel our own path. You my friend are on a very rough road right now, with lots of bumps due to the boot and not being able to do all the things you love. You just hang in there with us and this shall pass and you will take a turn to another fork in the road it will be a lot smoother. Last year at this time I had so many health issues I couldn't even walk for over 2 minutes, and I felt hopeless, then I lost my job, had two different scares with near cancer, and was told I was only going to get worse with my diabetes and will be in dialysis like my brother within a year or so. Then and only then did it click for me like your mother says happens, after struggling for 10 years. I finally said enough, I have nothing to lose now, so I just eliminated every thing in my mind, and focused on my health because it was my only chance. We can not look outside of ourselves to see progress, it is a victory that is all won in our own minds. Bless you, you are doing great and your are were you need to be, you are in the healing process and that is great! emoticon
    2283 days ago
  • PATTISTAMPS
    Alice, I am so sorry you are not healing as quickly as you had hoped! I can understand that sometimes we know what to do, but it just does not seem to click. Just keep your head up and know that we do not point fingers... I would be the first to be pointed AT (yes, I know that's bad grammar, but it expressed my feelings better!) You are in the place you are meant to be at this time.

    Hugs,

    patti
    2283 days ago
  • ZANYGIRL1
    Girl, you have NOT failed!! Only by quitting, will you have failed. You haven't quit, and you're still here with us, so hang in there. You're right, everybody is different. No 2 people lose weight the same, so you can't beat yourself up about this. IT WILL COME, in YOUR time. Just be strong, do what you can, and give it time, that's all you can do!! emoticon
    2283 days ago
  • RX_2_RV
    What wise words your mom gave you.

    You are in a difficult position with that boot and it must be so frustrating. DH was in a boot for a couple of days when they thought he had a hairline fracture, turned out to be gout, but he was going batty after a couple days...I can only imagine how you must be feeling. Yikes!

    Do the best you can under the circumstances. If I were in similar circumstances, I would probably gain...maintaining would be my goal. YOU decide what is right for you...and let us know how we can help you Alice.

    emoticon
    2283 days ago
  • GRLTAZ
    Alice, you are not failing in my eyes because you are still here. Had you quit Spark, ignored what you have learned, then maybe that would be a step backwards but you are journaling, you are doing what you can as far as exercise, given you had a fracture, and you continue to encourage all you meet. I love your mom's quote, "She said that we are not all in the same place at the same time. Some have had that click and others have not found it yet." and I so agree.

    But I also know from experience that "living as if" works towards the positive side of my life and has helped me through some of the rough times when I did not want to move my body or when I did not want to write my poor food choices down and when I felt like abusing myself by eating poor food choices or too much food. I still came back. I still tried with each new day and still do. We are in this together and I am so proud of all you have accomplished so please try to love yourself and be strong. emoticon
    2283 days ago
  • PEGGYO
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    2283 days ago
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