40 and a Half, STILL With "Daddy Issues"
Tuesday, April 08, 2014
I was seriously sliding this past weekend. Emotional crap. My parents finalized their divorce, leaving my Mom with just enough NOT to qualify for assistance, despite being on a myriad of meds...heart meds (had a heart attack 15 years ago), cholesterol meds (her body PRODUCES excess cholesterol, regardless of her being on a low cholesterol diet), depression and anxiety meds, sleep aids...so, she's broke, and has to leave her home of 37.5 years "broom clean" by the end of the month. My father is pleased. He finds it to be humorous. Yes, she's known the house would have to be sold. It's not a shock. However, she hasn't been able to obtain a mortgage or rental because she technically had no income until the final decree.
Even now, she's screwed. My father was a miser. He was in the "high middle class" bracket, but squirreled every stinking nut away, out of access to my Mom, starting in the 1980's.
She tried fixing up the house after he had to leave 4 years ago...not going to go into it, but a PFA was involved...I'm sure you can imagine...wall anchors were installed to prevent the foundation from collapsing, 35 year old carpets and kitchen cabinets were replaced, she painted...none of this was deemed necessary...all came out of Mom's end of the settlement. Despite having a joint title, she has to reimburse my father for just living there, regardless of the court order preventing his residence there for one year. Long story short--don't get divorced in Pennsylvania, especially if you're an abused spouse. It's not admissible until you go to the state Supreme Court, and, if you're the injured person, you simply can't afford the attorney fees to go that far.
My Mom lives with my 20-yr-old niece, who has Asperger's syndrome. My younger brother died 1 1/2 yeas ago because of substance abuse, including alcohol and sulfas. His daughter was realistically my Mom's child for all intents and purposes from the beginning. My father has refused care of her in the settlement. No, neither of them have any "legal" obligation; its about morals.
My Mom and niece have "no place" to go...she won't come here...my house is too "noisy and chaotic" with my 7-yr-old daughter and 9-yr-old son, who is on the autism spectrum. I won't lie...extending that invitation to have it thrown back in my face was a huge slap. She's being stubborn, refusing to live in a "middle" townhouse, an apartment, a trailer, even just to park in any of these for a brief time as a renter to figure out her next step. If she doesn't snap into reality in the next week or so, or at least accept that she and my niece may need to stay with me (about an hour and a half away from their house, and my niece's work and college), or my sister's house, (about 1/2 hr away from the above), they will literally be homeless. Sure. They can live in a hotel/motel for a bit, but then Mom won't have the $$ to pay her copays for meds!
On top of this, my father is turning the screws on me. Telling me how worthless I am, what a horrible person I am. How it was my Mom that turned us "kids" against him...not the emotional and physical abuse he perpetrated upon us when we were young, and not what he did to our Mom. It's the typical, blame the victim, phrase, "you made me do it".
So. Cut him off, right? Easy-peasy. Except, I have kids. When the separation initially occurred, after my father was removed from the house, my then 5-yr-old son said, "we don't have a Pa-Pa anymore?!" I, despite my better judgement, maintained a superficial relationship with him for the sake of my kids. If I didn't have kids, it wouldn't have happened.
I'm in the middle.
Well, on top of all of this, and my ongoing depression and anxiety, it's my TOM. Gross. Sorry for the TMI. My hormones and emotions are intertwined in a sadistic dance. "You'll never succeed," they say. "Your parents couldn't love you, so why should anyone," they say. "Why work hard to exercise and eat better when you're nothing but a burden," they say.
I succumbed to the negatives. Not only did I eat junk and burrow into my couch, but I also bought beer and toasted to my demons. I not only overate, but I blew empty calories on beer--not even good beer. I needed to escape. To not care. I chose an extremely unhealthy way to do this. Buzzing.
Yesterday, I went back to the gym. I was going to skip it--cramps--but forced myself to go. (BTW...they're right. Exercise helps cramps. Didn't feel them while I was exercising). I didn't do as much as I should have, 30 minute circuit, but only 10 minutes on a bike, but it was progress from my backslide. I know today's weigh in is going to be horrible. I have to suck it up and move on, striving to do better from here on out.
As a side note, we finally watched "Frozen" On Demand. It scares me how much I relate to Elsa. "Conceal it, don't feel it". That's how I've lived my life. "Let It Go" makes me cry every time I hear it. "Conceal, don't feel, put on a show". But I don't get to magically create an ice castle and a quirky snowman.
I eat. I overeat. I drink beer. I become a couch sloth. I can't. I can't do it anymore. I have a husband and kids who seem, despite my horrendous existence, to need me. I want to be there for them. It's not just for the long haul...living to a ripe, old age. It's about NOW, having the energy to play, to go for walks, to be a great Mom and wife! As Bob Dylan said, "Times, they are a-changing".
Today I will begin to track my food. I started to exercise 2 weeks ago, but food is key. I promised I'd give myself 2 weeks before i tracked food. That starts today. After this weekend's backslide, I know my weigh-in will be bad. I just have to start from this point. Right now.
I'm Nikki. I'm 40 1/2 years old. I have "daddy" (really "parent") issues that have allowed me to rationalize overeating, sucking into my couch, and occasionally drinking too much. It has to stop. No, I'm not ready to ignore my parents, but I AM ready to stop using their venom to poison my health.