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40 and a Half, STILL With "Daddy Issues"

Tuesday, April 08, 2014

I was seriously sliding this past weekend. Emotional crap. My parents finalized their divorce, leaving my Mom with just enough NOT to qualify for assistance, despite being on a myriad of meds...heart meds (had a heart attack 15 years ago), cholesterol meds (her body PRODUCES excess cholesterol, regardless of her being on a low cholesterol diet), depression and anxiety meds, sleep aids...so, she's broke, and has to leave her home of 37.5 years "broom clean" by the end of the month. My father is pleased. He finds it to be humorous. Yes, she's known the house would have to be sold. It's not a shock. However, she hasn't been able to obtain a mortgage or rental because she technically had no income until the final decree.
Even now, she's screwed. My father was a miser. He was in the "high middle class" bracket, but squirreled every stinking nut away, out of access to my Mom, starting in the 1980's.
She tried fixing up the house after he had to leave 4 years ago...not going to go into it, but a PFA was involved...I'm sure you can imagine...wall anchors were installed to prevent the foundation from collapsing, 35 year old carpets and kitchen cabinets were replaced, she painted...none of this was deemed necessary...all came out of Mom's end of the settlement. Despite having a joint title, she has to reimburse my father for just living there, regardless of the court order preventing his residence there for one year. Long story short--don't get divorced in Pennsylvania, especially if you're an abused spouse. It's not admissible until you go to the state Supreme Court, and, if you're the injured person, you simply can't afford the attorney fees to go that far.
My Mom lives with my 20-yr-old niece, who has Asperger's syndrome. My younger brother died 1 1/2 yeas ago because of substance abuse, including alcohol and sulfas. His daughter was realistically my Mom's child for all intents and purposes from the beginning. My father has refused care of her in the settlement. No, neither of them have any "legal" obligation; its about morals.
My Mom and niece have "no place" to go...she won't come here...my house is too "noisy and chaotic" with my 7-yr-old daughter and 9-yr-old son, who is on the autism spectrum. I won't lie...extending that invitation to have it thrown back in my face was a huge slap. She's being stubborn, refusing to live in a "middle" townhouse, an apartment, a trailer, even just to park in any of these for a brief time as a renter to figure out her next step. If she doesn't snap into reality in the next week or so, or at least accept that she and my niece may need to stay with me (about an hour and a half away from their house, and my niece's work and college), or my sister's house, (about 1/2 hr away from the above), they will literally be homeless. Sure. They can live in a hotel/motel for a bit, but then Mom won't have the $$ to pay her copays for meds!
On top of this, my father is turning the screws on me. Telling me how worthless I am, what a horrible person I am. How it was my Mom that turned us "kids" against him...not the emotional and physical abuse he perpetrated upon us when we were young, and not what he did to our Mom. It's the typical, blame the victim, phrase, "you made me do it".
So. Cut him off, right? Easy-peasy. Except, I have kids. When the separation initially occurred, after my father was removed from the house, my then 5-yr-old son said, "we don't have a Pa-Pa anymore?!" I, despite my better judgement, maintained a superficial relationship with him for the sake of my kids. If I didn't have kids, it wouldn't have happened.
I'm in the middle.
It sucks.
Well, on top of all of this, and my ongoing depression and anxiety, it's my TOM. Gross. Sorry for the TMI. My hormones and emotions are intertwined in a sadistic dance. "You'll never succeed," they say. "Your parents couldn't love you, so why should anyone," they say. "Why work hard to exercise and eat better when you're nothing but a burden," they say.
I succumbed to the negatives. Not only did I eat junk and burrow into my couch, but I also bought beer and toasted to my demons. I not only overate, but I blew empty calories on beer--not even good beer. I needed to escape. To not care. I chose an extremely unhealthy way to do this. Buzzing.
Yesterday, I went back to the gym. I was going to skip it--cramps--but forced myself to go. (BTW...they're right. Exercise helps cramps. Didn't feel them while I was exercising). I didn't do as much as I should have, 30 minute circuit, but only 10 minutes on a bike, but it was progress from my backslide. I know today's weigh in is going to be horrible. I have to suck it up and move on, striving to do better from here on out.
As a side note, we finally watched "Frozen" On Demand. It scares me how much I relate to Elsa. "Conceal it, don't feel it". That's how I've lived my life. "Let It Go" makes me cry every time I hear it. "Conceal, don't feel, put on a show". But I don't get to magically create an ice castle and a quirky snowman.
I eat. I overeat. I drink beer. I become a couch sloth. I can't. I can't do it anymore. I have a husband and kids who seem, despite my horrendous existence, to need me. I want to be there for them. It's not just for the long haul...living to a ripe, old age. It's about NOW, having the energy to play, to go for walks, to be a great Mom and wife! As Bob Dylan said, "Times, they are a-changing".
Today I will begin to track my food. I started to exercise 2 weeks ago, but food is key. I promised I'd give myself 2 weeks before i tracked food. That starts today. After this weekend's backslide, I know my weigh-in will be bad. I just have to start from this point. Right now.
I'm Nikki. I'm 40 1/2 years old. I have "daddy" (really "parent") issues that have allowed me to rationalize overeating, sucking into my couch, and occasionally drinking too much. It has to stop. No, I'm not ready to ignore my parents, but I AM ready to stop using their venom to poison my health.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • --MAY--
    Hey, I love the idea of finding a Grampa figure, why not go to a Nursing home and and adopt a nice old Grampa we did that when my kids were little, because my family lived so far away!! They got so much out of it, as did I! Just my 2cents worth
    2176 days ago
  • MAZZIE973
    Thank you all for your comments. My father is a huge a$$. I'm staying in contact with him until my Mom gets out of our family home...she told me yesterday that she MAY be able to obtain a mortgage on a specific townhouse, but can't close until late June. She's hoping to be able to stay in our family home until then. I'm not a religious person, I've been in a "crisis of faith" for a long while, but, if any of you are tight with God, my sister and I would be endlessly grateful for your prayers!!
    I'll try to convince my father to relent, but, it will most likely be up to a judge, at the last minute. I talked to him Monday; he told me that it was all OUR fault...Mom's, my sister's, mine, and my deceased brother's faults, that he HAS to do this. If there is evil, it courses through his veins...to bully and intimidate a wife and children....all from just after they were married in 1971!!
    You're all right. He needs to be "cut off". I'm lucky. I won't have to do ANYTHING. I reiterated to him Monday what I expressed Friday...he has NEVER called me or my kids. I. I. I called him Monday, because I said I would. I was further berated.
    I'll call him as needed for Mom's sake. After that? once shes been succesfully moved? Done-zo!! It's up to him to reach my kids. And I'm not worried...he won't.
    Again, thank you all do much for your support. It sucks, but I'll get through it. I can't let him affect me and my self-esteem anymore. I'm releasing myself from his grip, and treating any further contact as one would approach a business venture.
    2184 days ago
  • ANDI1984
    My father was never really a good person let alone parent. My children have never and will never know him as grandpa. He doesn't deserve such a loving title. Honestly, the best thing for you and your kids is to cut him out of your lives COMPLETELY. None of you deserve to be treated like that. You are worth so much more! And as for your mom, if she chooses not to live with you then that's her choice. At least you tried to help. Just remember that you have to take care of yourself before you can truly take care of others! Just strive for small changes. A change here and a change there can make huge differences in how you feel as a person. The number on the scale is less important than how you feel about yourself right now. You are loved and you are awesome. Remember that :)
    2185 days ago
  • no profile photo CD13471094
    Take a deep breath. Now exhale slowly. Again. And again. There - feel better?


    Do NOT let your parents have that kind of power over you. They have no right to start the crazy-cycle in your mind. So you took a little stumble with some bad choices. Now pick yourself up and carry on with what you know are the good choices. You will get thru this. :)

    2186 days ago
    I so can relate. I have had so many issues with my father. For now it is best for my health that we are not in each others lives.

    Love yourself enough to take care of you. You can do this!
    2187 days ago
  • no profile photo CD13961612
    What a great blog. You are taking stock of it all and confirming your choices in the end.

    I know cutting off your parent(s) is not easy at all. I did it, cut them off for 3 years.
    Still you may want to conside it. You really don't need the ongoing abuse and stress.
    It will be sad for your kids but. If he's abusive to you are you sure he will not hurt your kids' feelings?
    Could you maybe not find other 'pa-pa figures' that can be a substitute? An older friend? The father of a friend of yours?

    You did make a wonderful offer to your mother. You cannot do any more; she needs to find her own way.

    As for your eating (and drinking): I said in the last blog - beginners bumps! Just keep going, keep reinforcing the new healthy habits. Pick up where you left off. Never mind the scale. Keep having those everyday victories of making good food choices and getting in more exercise (and finding good ways to deal with stress). You are working on new habits and if you can make such things habits, weight loss (AND a more balanced, healthy you) will follow.

    2187 days ago
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