Went to the gym this morning, but (and here is where a trend in my thinking continues to reveal itself) I am losing any sense of focus I once had.
I really am not sure why.
Maybe it was the 8 (more) inches of snow we got today. My backyard buddha is completely buried. That's unprecedented. Previously, the highest the snow ever got was up to his shoulders. There'd always be this reassuring head poking up above the snow. Now? It's as if he's not even there.
I think the writer in me is using the buddha as an image of my peace of mind, and the snow as an image of "daily life" -- where "daily life" includes being a member of a SparkPeople team, with team responsibilities, and being a parent of a teenager going through the process of applying to college and trying to figure out what he wants to do with the rest of his life, and approaching my 49th birthday which is two weeks from today...
Whew! I need to stop thinking about all of that.
A kind of nice thing happened to me last night. I've been spending so much time on SparkPeople that I've almost abandoned Facebook. But one of my FB friends posted on my wall and then a group of old friends "comment-bombed" the post. Basically saying "Where are you?" then moving on from there, just like old times.
Although I'm happy to leave (60 pounds of) my old physical self behind, I really need to reconnect with some of the GOOD things about my old self that I've neglected since I've undergone this transformation.
But just the thought of that makes my stress level spike.
I think my desire to keep improving is burning out. Despite my daily reminders that the pursuit of perfection is a fool's game, I still keep trying. I do like some of the results I'm seeing, but right now I'm just feeling overwhelmed.
I'm not sure I can find a comfortable middle ground in all of this.
Heck! Forget middle ground, I'm not even sure I can find my way out of whatever it is I've gotten into.
Where is Hagrid or a friendly centaur when you need one? (Harry Potter reference.)