Where to start?
Monday, December 23, 2013
*Warning...this turned into a rather negative post. I'm feeling low and just need to get some things out there so I can process for awhile.
I'm frustrated with myself. Irritated. Angry. I want to scream at myself, "What is wrong with you?! Get off your butt! Get moving! Put down the 3lb box of chocolates from the boss's wife, close the box of danishes and muffins from your mother-in-law's new bakery, step away from the fridge full of leftover pie, do not drive thru at this or that food place!"
I'm a smart girl. Really, I swear I am. Not bragging. I've got the summa cum laude bachelor's and master's degree certificates on my office wall to prove it. But somehow the same skills I used to finish homework, pass exams, and complete research do not achieve the same impressive results when applied to my physical fitness goals...
My "skills" are really poorly lacking, and I'm lucky I did as well as I did in school. If I REALLY applied myself like I should, I probably could have been/done something crazy impressive like you only see in TV shows.
I'm a horrible procrastinator. I only do what I absolutely have to.
I only push as hard as I have to or is expected of me, and no harder.
I over analyze everything, know LOTS of stuff, but have a hard time applying it.
If I don't have a deadline, things don't get done.
I'm a perfectionist afraid of messing up (failing), which means doing NOTHING is the most likely outcome (how messed up is that?)
I cannot wait for delayed gratification... I'd rather have fun (or eat a yummy danish) right NOW, and deal with the consequences later (whether that is massive weight gain or several all-nighters to cram for an exam or finish a report).
I worry about those later consequences all the time, and cannot fully enjoy the NOW.
"How you do weightloss is how you do everything." -Ray Hinish
I'm 31 yrs old, and the above all apply basically to every aspect of my life. It's how I got through high school. It's how I got through college. It's how I do my job. It's how I take care of my house. It's how I take care of my body.
There is so much I wish I could change in my life, mostly how I DO things. How I handle myself. How I behave. How do you change who you are as a person? It feels like I will always be this way, I will always process things this way, and I will forever be doomed to substandard results. Weightloss feels doomed. I will never have a neat, welcoming home. And, if my boss wasn't so awesome, I'd probably have been fired a long time ago for my lack of productivity.