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Backtracked, Backstepped, Back to Fat

Monday, April 01, 2013

This is a brain dump purely for my own purposes… you may be excused from reading it right… now!

There is that old saying that goes something like “You didn’t gain it overnight, so you won’t lose it overnight!” So how did I manage to gain 40 lbs in 3 months? Isn’t that like .75 lb/day? Sort of overnight isn’t it? So why can’t I freaking lose a half a freaking pound over a WEEK?!

I guess I should revise my expectations but I am a person who needs to see reward for effort or I give up.

Last week I “slipped” and had Chickfila on my “me” day. Okay, so one back step. But I was SO FREAKING GOOD all weekend even when I wanted nothing more than to be BAD.

On Friday I wanted pizza SO BADLY. I hear the same damn pizza commercial 20x a day on the radio and my brain was wired for Friday Pizza. What did I do? Went home and made zucchini pizzas for dinner and enjoyed them. I cooked them, I ate them instead of greasy store pizza, I felt good. Saturday I went out and about with my mom and there were treats EVERYWHERE. I got baked chicken and a salad. My stomach totally freaked out on me again Saturday night and I felt 10 lbs. lighter. Yesterday I had baked turkey for lunch and baked “oven fries” and crock pot honey chicken for dinner. I made a healthy veggie soup yesterday that simmered for hours and I have leftovers for this week. I did not eat a single piece of easter type candy.

So how is it when I stepped on the scale today I saw one pound shy of my original starting weight?

I remember years ago when I decided to sign up for Spark, I waited to weigh myself for a few weeks. I was scared, I was ashamed. When I finally did it – I saw 180. I have been using that as my “high” weight although I suspect my original high was closer to 190.

Today I saw 178.

I know that every body is different, and some times the way they lose weight can be fickle, but shouldn’t I be seeing SOMETHING by now? Why am I going UP?!

When I was 180, I was eating fast food and never exercising and disgusted by water.

Now I’m getting back into working out, drinking my water, and I consider fast food to be an infrequent “slip up” occurrence in my life.

I don’t feel defeated today, I suppose I feel more lost and confused. I know that this upsets me but I don’t know how to move forward. My instinct (crazy person one) wants me to start restricting my food even more and trying to work out every free second I have – but the sane person instinct knows that I will lose my mind if I do that. So that leaves me back at: WHAT DO I DO?

I have meetings at work from 10-3 today, so I was planning on walk/jogging to and from physical therapy after work tonight. I have blocked time on my calendar for the gym for the rest of the days this week. I have meals planned and my veggie soup made. I just HATE feeling like I’m doing all of this for nothing. I’ll just step on the scale and the numbers will keep going up. Like I’m doomed to be fat.

I know I need to go back to the doctor to get my thyroid levels checked. I’m actually terrified to do it and not just because of my irrational fear of needles, but because my new insurance is keen on siphoning all of my cash from my bank account. That little ear infection of mine from last month is going to cost me a few hundred bucks, and I found out my new insurance isn’t going to cover much of my Physical Therapy. Tack on another hundred or so out of my pay. I REALLY love my new job but these new expenses are sucking out my pay increase and making me fear visiting any medical type institution. I’m a full time worker in a professional career setting and I am afraid of insurance expenses – oh but we don’t need ANY reform in this country right?!

ANYWAYS – I’m trying to keep my head up today and not HATE myself for being back where I started. I know I have a good week planned and I suppose that is all I can do, keep doing the good stuff?

Wah wah wah wah.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • SLEE103
    I agree with Holly, you're still here, and we are here for you! Life sucks sometimes. like really really. we want what we want to eat and taking care of ourselves shouldn't be so damn expensive. But if we don't consider taking care of our life and our body important and aren't willing to do it, what then would be important enough? emoticon emoticon

    2556 days ago
    The MOST important thing, is that you're still here and you want to continue the fight. You know it's worth it. We'll all be here cheering you on!
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    2556 days ago
    Are you sure the weight gain isn't from muscle??

    Though your thyroid may just be the main issue. The body is a complicated thing! There are times when I am completely on point and never lose a pound and then other times when I feel like I'm being terrible and not eating good at all and I swear the scale says I lost a few pounds! But then again I have a thyroid issue too!
    2556 days ago
  • MARTY728
    Life happens! With all that you have going on with your life - new job, etc. during that time and your health issues.....stuff happens! Just get back on track! emoticon emoticon
    2556 days ago
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