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Calling for Help & the Green Monster

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

I’m trying to figure out where I should start this blog. I’m sure there is a cliché somewhere about “just writing!” or “just do it!” so… if it gets long and rambled, pardon me.

Yesterday I got an e-mail from my bf that was what I consider a call for help. I have noticed that he’s been extra stressed at work, he hasn’t been himself, and he seems to have stopped caring about things like eating well. It was sort of dragging me down with him, but I was facing my own battles, so we really weren’t helping each other out at all. The e-mail said he woke up yesterday and realized he did nothing but eat junk and sit around all weekend, and he feels bad about it and wants to change. Ding ding ding!

I have fully stopped my “happy pills” now and I have been struggling, to be honest. When I have to pick out an outfit and stand in front of my closet, it turns into a vicious battle. Nothing seems to fit, I hate how I look, I feel insanely uncomfortable in my own body, and it gets as far as me not caring how I look as much because I just don’t want to face it. Getting dressed makes me feel like a failure. I have a closet full of clothes that either don’t fit or don’t look right because I gained all of my weight back. I gave away all my old clothes because that was something I swore I would never do – gain it back – but I did. And I am really, really, deeply sad and hurt by it. I feel like the real me is being crushed into a corner by my fat. I'm hiding somewhere just trying to figure out how to find my "self" and fit back into "my" clothes again.

My boyfriend and I ended up having a long chat last night about being a better support system for each other and what changes we want to see. He wants to cut back on carbs, eat less meat, and curb drinking to the weekends. He wants to eat at home more and try to plan more “activities that are actually activities” like ice skating and hikes on the weekends. I’m on board with all of his changes. I think they sound great and will really benefit me too. But here is what he asked of me…

- I get REALLY hangry. If I don’t eat, I get mean, and I often take it out on him. It causes more issues than it should. I have decided to treat myself like a diabetic or something where I MUST carry snacks with me and be extra mindful of my hunger levels. I’m the kind of person who gets slammed with hunger to the point where it is all I can think about and that is my body controlling ME. I MUST work on healthy snacking.

- I say the darndest things. Sometimes the mean thoughts in my head escape and he hears them and thinks I need to work on cutting them back. I know I do. I ate dinner last night and immediately started the “Why did I even eat? I am so fat. I just shouldn’t eat. But then I get shaky and mean so I HAVE to eat…. Etc etc” and he was like “You aren’t even making sense!” But that circular and negative thinking is back with a VENEGENCE right now. It is no good. Last night I was lamenting that it took me almost two years to go from 180 to 145 lbs. Starting that process all over again feels like a miserable thing. My BF keeps mentioning losing his 10 lbs by summer, and I was like “I am fat, so I am not wearing anything but trash bags this summer and never going to the beach” – again, to which he was like, “Really?!” I am just NOT with it.

- Along those lines, I am not thinking positively as much as I should. My BF mentioned how I used to get so much out of Spark, and how fired up I was, and how I did tons of research and used to be so excited. I told him how now I get on Spark and it is like getting on facebook where it feels like everyone is bragging and no one is in it to help others – just wave their little “look how awesome I am” flag. My BF said he thinks I am just seeing it that way because I am JEALOUS – which could very much be the truth. “Oh I ran a marathon! I lifted 100 lbs! I cook nothing but whole food meals 24/7! I am losing SO much weight!” = all things I am NOT able to do. So there –maybe I AM green because truth of the matter is that isn’t me. Maybe I am supposed to be using that as motivation? And maybe back in the day I did? Like “Hey – I can do that too!” But now I realize that I can’t. I am in Physical Therapy for migraines and a crooked spine. I have hypothyroidism and losing weight is NOT easy for me. What works for everyone on Spark may not work for me. But I have been feeling so… empty or down after visiting Spark and that isn’t what it should be. I am not sure how to get it back to where it was? How can I get back to seeing the good again, especially with Spark?

Anyways, I blocked time on my calendar for every day for the rest of this week to go to the gym. My ear is feeling better, I know what I need to do, and maybe going to the gym will make my brain feel better too. I’m going to look up some low carb recipes and maybe even some new workout moves. I’m feeling super thankful to have such a supportive BF and I want to be there for him the same way and know that I need to work on MYSELF so that I can be that positive force for him as well.

And excuse my green monster. Many of you on Spark ARE doing wonderful things that you should be VERY proud of, so keep doing you for sure. Someday maybe I will be there too.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Sorry you are having a rough patch. You are strong to share your thoughts and feelings, successes and challenges. You will find your way too, I'm sure of it.
    2914 days ago
    That's what I did... I categorized my pants to sections:
    1) Shadow (I thought I had to be a shadow to fit to them :D ).
    2) Until my knees.
    3) Until my hips.
    4) Don't close.
    5) Close but they're gonna explode.

    So my goal was to fit to the next section. It worked for me! I didn't have to deal with the "shadow" pants until I was already thin.

    As for the jealousy thing, it's only human... We all struggle (my last week was a "piggy" one - I use it when I eat like a pig) but we get back on track... The sooner, the better.

    Your boyfriend is a great support system and the people in this site are here to encourage and cheer for you. My piece of advice will be: Instead of feeling "jealous", focus on the status update which will say "hey!!! my scale says I lost **insert number** pounds!" and we will cheer for you! Maybe there will be somebody who will feel jealous of you and your achievement!

    2915 days ago
  • no profile photo CD7289565
    I am so sorry you are having such difficulties. I feel many of the same ways, and sometimes I feel like I will never get there. I am also mean when I am hungry and I can't even close to what I could a year ago without gaining. I am often envious of other people, and I try really hard to focus on the positives in my own life, but it definitely isn't always easy. I feel like there is so much to do and not enough time to get it done. There always seems to be something wrong. I'm glad your bf is being supportive and wants to help. You can improve together and that will be so great. I'm here if you ever want to talk. emoticon
    2915 days ago
    First of all, let me tell you (though you already know) this journey is SO MUCH easier when your favorite person is on board with you! My BF can be my biggest supporter or my biggest enabler depending on whether or not he's being healthy this week. lol Luck for him, he's tall and skinny so even when he's unhealthy it doesn't show like it does for me! (which is unlucky for me!)

    I am glad I'm not the only one who gets cranky when hungry! I carry around snacks all the time. I actually have a stranger problem too, I get the most cranky and snappy right after an intense workout. I have learned that I need to take a few minutes to really focus on myself and relaxing before interacting with anyone (usually play on my phone for a minute or take a mindful shower)

    I feel guilty of bragging too much on Spark. It's not even that I feel I brag a lot, but that I only post when I have good things to report. I've started to realize that this journey is about the good AND the bad and that really the purpose of the community is to share it all, so I've started trying to post a little more about my setbacks (blogged about falling off the wagon and posted a weight gain in a challenge). This change in lifestyle can really only happen when one is honest about both sides. I really want to thank you for sharing all that you do, it inspires me to be more honest!! I'm going to continue to work on this!

    I hope that getting everything out helped you feel better as well as the changes you're making with your BF this week. I agree with other comments that you really need to focus on what is working for you, and not think about what works for others (if you know it doesn't work for you) Good luck!!
    2916 days ago
  • MARYBETH4884
    I think it is the small changes that are the most important. Stop eating one type of food or make change to your everyday routine. Add 10 minutes of walking to your day even if it just around the house. Next add something else. Find what you can stick to and do it. Add something new and see if it works for you. Little changes make a big diffence over the long run and sometimes it is a really long run. But you have to be able to find what works for you, because this is a very individual journey. All the accomplishments of others may inspire you but may not work for you! Take pride in the little successes and build on each one. Good luck on your journey!
    2916 days ago
    emoticon that's great that your boyfriend wants to be health. don't beat yourself up you will get back to weight you were at.
    2916 days ago
    I think you need to change your perspective on how you look at yourself, and your weight. Instead of looking at losing 40 pounds- just focus on the next 5lbs. Your medical issues mean that, for now, you will have to do what you can, but you obviously aren't going to be lifting 100 lbs. Stop stressing about how long it will take you to get back where you were( going backwards doesn't work anyway), and accept yourself for who you are right now. You obviously have people who love and support you( that's a big PLUS!). Especially when comparing yourself to men,remember that they burn more calories just sleeping then women do. My husband started this with me and easily dropped 10lbs- so I understand about the jealousy, but dwelling on it won't help me lose weight any faster. We all have our moments when we don't feel spectacularly supportive, when you realize you've been that way, apologize and move on. Definitely carry snacks with you if not eating makes you feel cranky, and just be a little kinder to yourself. . I have read other bloggers who are using a diabetic diet, and say that it is working really well for them.


    2916 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/12/2013 1:49:16 PM
  • SLEE103
    Did I write this blog or did you? My last couple blogs have been about being hangry/irritable and I just feel like letting go and have completely lost my Spark.

    Please don't take offense as I understand the complexity of the issue and support either side, whatever works for YOU and what you're comfortable with but maybe you got off the happy pills too soon? Or maybe you need to just keep doing what your'e doing as I've found exercise helps curb my anxiety and bad moods...though not all the time. I'm not perfect. I had a whole week where I was hangry and irritable and short tempered about every little thing and my bf got the brunt of it so I totally understand where you are coming from. I think your idea about snack planning is excellent!

    I too get annoyed with some Spark members and their clean eating streaks and extraordinary levels of discipline. But I know myself and I know restricting too much will lead me to binge and "cheat" and it just doesn't work for me. All I can do is try for eating well "most" of the time and convince myself that that's still great.

    It sounds like you have a wonderful bf though, I hope you two will support one another and get each other where you want to be.
    2916 days ago
    I was in the very same situation just this morning. I was getting ready for work and I must have gone through 3 different outfits. I've lost around 16lbs but I'm still the most overweight that I've been in a good long while. So, I have almost NO clothes that fit because the last time I was this size was years ago and I threw out all of those clothes.
    I told my husband that getting ready for work makes me so sad now adays. I am workingout(when I can) and trying to eat right and even after losing some weight I still feel big and uncomfortable in most of my clothes. I want to be happy about my progress and it is something that I actively and intentionally have to do in order to get out of my fat-funk.
    And the whole jealousy thing, I think everyone goes through that at some point in time. You know the phrase "Misery loves company." Well, I think it's true. I don't think we intentionally want people to feel as sad and bad about their bodies as we do. I think it is honestly that we just don't want to feel like we are the only ones dealing with this issue. When we are feeling fat and disgusting it amplifies that feeling when we read of someone else losing weight or having a great 10 mile run.
    Take your blog for example. I am not happy that you are feeling this way about yourself but I do gain some comfort knowing that I am not the only one that feels this way about my body.
    And you are right, you can't lose weight the same way some other people here on Spark are losing it. Everybody is different. After years of being bulimic, I still have issues eating correctly. I am way not good at portion control. Things that probably make sense to other people about eating properly are still kind of jumbled up in my head. It seems so rudimentary but I have trouble with it. Sometimes I let that get to me. I let it be my crutch. I throw in the weight loss towel and just live the way I want to. But then there are the days that I have to tell myself that I MUST give eating healthy and exercising a fair chance. I will NEVER reach any sort of real weight loss when I sit and sulk in my deficiencies.
    So, where do we go from here? I wish I had a clear definite answer.Maybe we can try leaning on people for support, speaking positively to yourself, (I pray), and putting one food infront of the other. Well get through this as long as we don't give up. Even the worst storms eventually come to an end.
    I'm here for you if you ever need a listening ear. :)
    2916 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/12/2013 10:10:48 AM
    I think that even if you can't accomplish everything other people are doing you can still set goals that you can accomplish and be proud of them. I am unable to run because of an injury and it is very likely that I will never be able to run again. I can do other things to keep myself fit. Try not to get discouraged by what other people can do, instead set your own goals and be proud of your accomplishments however big or small they are. Hopefully having the support of your boyfriend will help you both to stay on track. Good luck.
    2916 days ago
    Hang in there! I won't say I can relate with what you are going through because EVERYONES situation is different and different things work for different folks. Jealousy happens. I'll ready about someone's workout plan and how much weight they're losing some days and be like REALLY?!?! My hormones get so out of whack some weeks that I could be burning 5000 calories a week and still not lose weight. Some times it is discouraging, but you just got to find the positive light. The fact that your boyfriend is so on board I think will really help! My boyfriend started dieting recently and we no longer get subway cookies or even eat out as much. It's those little things that will add up. In any case, best of luck! emoticon emoticon
    2916 days ago
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