Calling for Help & the Green Monster
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
I’m trying to figure out where I should start this blog. I’m sure there is a cliché somewhere about “just writing!” or “just do it!” so… if it gets long and rambled, pardon me.
Yesterday I got an e-mail from my bf that was what I consider a call for help. I have noticed that he’s been extra stressed at work, he hasn’t been himself, and he seems to have stopped caring about things like eating well. It was sort of dragging me down with him, but I was facing my own battles, so we really weren’t helping each other out at all. The e-mail said he woke up yesterday and realized he did nothing but eat junk and sit around all weekend, and he feels bad about it and wants to change. Ding ding ding!
I have fully stopped my “happy pills” now and I have been struggling, to be honest. When I have to pick out an outfit and stand in front of my closet, it turns into a vicious battle. Nothing seems to fit, I hate how I look, I feel insanely uncomfortable in my own body, and it gets as far as me not caring how I look as much because I just don’t want to face it. Getting dressed makes me feel like a failure. I have a closet full of clothes that either don’t fit or don’t look right because I gained all of my weight back. I gave away all my old clothes because that was something I swore I would never do – gain it back – but I did. And I am really, really, deeply sad and hurt by it. I feel like the real me is being crushed into a corner by my fat. I'm hiding somewhere just trying to figure out how to find my "self" and fit back into "my" clothes again.
My boyfriend and I ended up having a long chat last night about being a better support system for each other and what changes we want to see. He wants to cut back on carbs, eat less meat, and curb drinking to the weekends. He wants to eat at home more and try to plan more “activities that are actually activities” like ice skating and hikes on the weekends. I’m on board with all of his changes. I think they sound great and will really benefit me too. But here is what he asked of me…
- I get REALLY hangry. If I don’t eat, I get mean, and I often take it out on him. It causes more issues than it should. I have decided to treat myself like a diabetic or something where I MUST carry snacks with me and be extra mindful of my hunger levels. I’m the kind of person who gets slammed with hunger to the point where it is all I can think about and that is my body controlling ME. I MUST work on healthy snacking.
- I say the darndest things. Sometimes the mean thoughts in my head escape and he hears them and thinks I need to work on cutting them back. I know I do. I ate dinner last night and immediately started the “Why did I even eat? I am so fat. I just shouldn’t eat. But then I get shaky and mean so I HAVE to eat…. Etc etc” and he was like “You aren’t even making sense!” But that circular and negative thinking is back with a VENEGENCE right now. It is no good. Last night I was lamenting that it took me almost two years to go from 180 to 145 lbs. Starting that process all over again feels like a miserable thing. My BF keeps mentioning losing his 10 lbs by summer, and I was like “I am fat, so I am not wearing anything but trash bags this summer and never going to the beach” – again, to which he was like, “Really?!” I am just NOT with it.
- Along those lines, I am not thinking positively as much as I should. My BF mentioned how I used to get so much out of Spark, and how fired up I was, and how I did tons of research and used to be so excited. I told him how now I get on Spark and it is like getting on facebook where it feels like everyone is bragging and no one is in it to help others – just wave their little “look how awesome I am” flag. My BF said he thinks I am just seeing it that way because I am JEALOUS – which could very much be the truth. “Oh I ran a marathon! I lifted 100 lbs! I cook nothing but whole food meals 24/7! I am losing SO much weight!” = all things I am NOT able to do. So there –maybe I AM green because truth of the matter is that isn’t me. Maybe I am supposed to be using that as motivation? And maybe back in the day I did? Like “Hey – I can do that too!” But now I realize that I can’t. I am in Physical Therapy for migraines and a crooked spine. I have hypothyroidism and losing weight is NOT easy for me. What works for everyone on Spark may not work for me. But I have been feeling so… empty or down after visiting Spark and that isn’t what it should be. I am not sure how to get it back to where it was? How can I get back to seeing the good again, especially with Spark?
Anyways, I blocked time on my calendar for every day for the rest of this week to go to the gym. My ear is feeling better, I know what I need to do, and maybe going to the gym will make my brain feel better too. I’m going to look up some low carb recipes and maybe even some new workout moves. I’m feeling super thankful to have such a supportive BF and I want to be there for him the same way and know that I need to work on MYSELF so that I can be that positive force for him as well.
And excuse my green monster. Many of you on Spark ARE doing wonderful things that you should be VERY proud of, so keep doing you for sure. Someday maybe I will be there too.