Putting a Plan in Place

I have decided I cannot wait until March 1st, so I'm going to start now. Well, Monday. But only because I'm going out of town this weekend and it would be beyond stupid to pile on something else with what I already have planned (and the driving...the driving is going to kill me. I used to LOVE driving...I've driven so many places in my life...but now it's just pain the whole way. I can manage with the cruise control pretty well, but it still hurts to be in that position for very long).

Week 1:
February 18th Weigh In
February 18-February 23
Eat a Paleo diet - Whole30 Approved when possible
No more than 2 lunches out
Start measuring food and recording it.
Yoga week 1
Day 1: yoga.about.com/od/beginn
ingyoga/a/30dayquickstartd
ayone.htm
Week 1: yoga.about.com/od/beginn
ingyoga/a/30dayquickstartw
eekone.htm

Week 2:
Feburary 24th Weigh In
Feburary 24-March 3
Eat a Paleo Diet - Whole 30 Approved when possible
EXCEPT February 28th and March 1st, which will be dinners out
No more than 1 lunch out
Measure and record all food, but don't stress if you can't record the dinners out
Yoga week 2: yoga.about.com/od/beginn
ingyoga/a/30dayquickstartm
onthone.htm

Week 3:
March 3rd Weigh In
March 3-9
Eat a Paleo Diet - Whole 30 Approved when possible
No more than 2 lunches out
Measure and record all food
Yoga week 3: yoga.about.com/od/beginn
ingyoga/a/30dayquickstartm
onthone.htm

Week 4:
March 10 Weigh In
March 10-16
Eat a Paleo Diet - Whole 30 Approved when possible
EXCEPT March 15-16 (out of town visiting a friend for her B-day)
No more than 1 lunch out
Measure and record all food until the 15th
Yoga week 4: yoga.about.com/od/beginn
ingyoga/a/30dayquickstartm
onthone.htm

REGROUP
How is the foot?
Can we start walking? If so, put a walking plan into place.
Start slow and work your way up.
You can probably move on to more advanced Yoga for sure. Add in some advanced moves and try to perfect them each morning with your routine.
Add in afternoon or evening walks if your foot feels up to it. If not, add in some lifting or ST routine to your evening, even if it's squats by the stove as you cook.

KEEP GOING
On March 18, begin your Paleo/Whole30 Diet.
See if what you're eating throughout the day fits into suggested calorie counts. If not, adjust.
Don't let yourself eat out more than 2 times a week, and even then try to stay Paleo. You can have bread now and again on a lunch out, but not every day.
Dinners out for the rest of the March - at least one. A date night with Hubs on either March 22 or March 29. Go out. Enjoy. Don't stress over your diet. Give yourself the night off and just enjoy life.

Look, I've come to realize that I can't do this like the rest of you. I can't just set strict rules and diet because there is NO END IN SIGHT and I'm about to lose my ever-loving mind. What happens is my body stalls out and no matter how hard I push it won't budge, so I go off the rails and do what I've done in the past - I have no rules and eat whatever I want and go back to my binge and emotional eating disorder habits. Because that's what's safe. I know what to expect. I could eat on plan every day for 3 months and gain 10 pounds instead of losing. I never know what my body is going to do when I'm pushing it. But when I let it go, it does what it does best - gain, then maintain.

So how do I break this mentality and keep my sanity? Especially right now when everything is crazy and stressful? I have to let myself have my moments. If I stick to a "plan" about 80% of the time, it shouldn't hurt too awful bad when the other 20% rears its ugly head. I have to be able to visit my friends and celebrate holidays and go have a date with my husband at least once or twice a month. I have to formulate and build and expand upon those relationships, because they've had to live through me being so frustrated with my inability to lose weight and have had angry mom for way too long. If my child and I are out and he wants Frozen Yogurt because we never have it, I want him to not be afraid to ask. I also want the willpower to not let his eating habits affect my own. Just because he has yogurt doesn't mean I have to have some if I don't really want it. But it also means I CAN have some if I do.

I have no clue if this method will work. I'm used to 2-3 years of hard work followed by a year or so of just eating whatever I want, gaining back 30-50 pounds and then coming back for another couple years of hard fighting.

I have no illusions that I will ever be skinny. I gave up on that dream. And you can tell me to think positively, but wishing for something that can never happen just hurts me. I will never, and I do mean NEVER, match the vision in my head of how I see myself. But I can enjoy my life and not hate myself or my body if I just learn to accept who I am and what I really have to work with. Hopefully I can firm up. Maybe one day I'll be able to get some of this crap removed from me (which, honestly, might be the only way I'll rid myself of it). I'm not one of the lucky ones, but I can't be bitter and hate those of you who are. You decided to lose weight and didn't have a bump in the road the whole way and now you're happy and healthy and doing commercials? Good for you. My path is different.

I've had too many people along the way tell me I think the wrong way or I'm doing the wrong thing. I've had people here tell me I'm pushing too hard while others tell me to push harder. Which is it? What I've come to realize is that I'm tired living in everyone else's world and mind. I have to accept who I am - even if that's a little bit sarcastic and a whole lot of sass and not the most optimistic. Whatever. It's gotten me this far, right? I look around at what I've done with my life with who I am and not who everyone wanted me to be and the only thing I'm sad about is that I didn't accept myself sooner. My whole life I had everyone telling me I should hide things about myself, be a different person, act differently, think differently, BE different completely. I tried. I honestly 100% tried. I can't. And I'm tired of trying.

I'm the girl who IS sarcastic and probably too pessimistic.
I'm the girl everyone gets to say "I told you so!" when something good happens that I didn't expect, because I've fought so long for something that never happened and never happened and then BOOM! there it is.
I have sass and flare. I make a TON of mistakes. I curse when my children are around.
I don't attend church regularly because I believe that a lot of it is a farce and some of the meanest people I've met have done horrible things to me and the people I love and then claimed they were "good, Christian people". I will make my own ideas about religion and God and they will probably center more around treating other people with respect and dignity and basic human kindness.
I will be a staunch supporter of equal rights (SO glad I don't have to hide that one anymore) for EVERYONE. Because people are people and no stupid relgion in the world can make any rational argument as to why some people are better than others because of whatever characteristic about them is different.
What's more, I will argue with you if I feel you ARE being stupid about these topics. I'm not going to turn a blind eye anymore. (Like I said, thankfully my job change means I CAN be more open and honest about this.) I'm not doing it to hurt your feelings, but if you want to isolate an entire group of people or bring some sort of hate upon them - I have a responsiblity to say SOMETHING...even though I know you won't listen.
I'm going to allow myself to be bold while still trying to be kind. There is a fine line between "If you don't have anything nice to say..." and "The only way for evil to succeed is for good people to do nothing..." (and I'm not looking up either of those to make sure they're right).

I'm going to dare to be wrong.
I'm going to dare to have fun and look stupid doing it.
I'm going to beg for forgiveness and not ask for permission.

Why? Because it's MY DAMN LIFE.
I have to live it...not you.
And I'm not happy being someone that makes you happy to be around.
I will take other people's feelings into account, but I will not allow myself to be degraded and put down and smashed into the ground and made to feel insignificant just so YOU can feel okay/good about yourself. I have to stop sacrificing myself ALL THE DAMN TIME.

And as far as health and diet is concerned...I am going to stop apologizing for being human.
I'm going to stop feeling like I failed ALL OF YOU because I have this major injury. I'm going to allow myself the safe and easy recovery time I need. Even if that means I can't ever run again. I wanted to prove you all wrong...all you who thought I couldn't or shouldn't run. And, honestly, I did. I spent a whole month running a 5k EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND. I ran 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 miles straight. Did I get hurt? Yes. But not one doctor attributes my injury to my running, and neither do I. I attribute it to horrible bone structure, lack of stretching (that's my impatience coming out...), and inability to purchase appropriate equipment. I also attribute some of it to the people who wouldn't listen when I told them I needed help. It took a lot for me to stand in front of that guy and tell him I was a runner and needed new shoes. Instead of fitting me like they do everyone else, he got me in and out as fast as possible and I have no doubt he didn't believe me for a second. To him, I was a joke. And, yes, I lay some fault with him.

So there it is. My plan..and a rant. Because I needed to get it out of me. I'm ready to move on with my life, and part of that is accepting that I'm not one of those quick in-and-out dieters. I'm going to be at this my ENTIRE life and will probably never reach my goal without some sort of surgical intervention. Take it or leave it.

Oh, and one last thing. I'm the girl who changes her plans...so be prepared to see this one get morphed into something else. I'm still not sure if Paleo is really what I want for myself. I think I like clean eating better. I think if I can adapt Paleo and Jamie Eason's eating plan in the LiveFit program together I might be able to live with that and do it forever. Part whole eating, part Paleo, part vegetarian. I've never EVER been all of one thing in my life, why did I think I would be this time? I want to see cheese and bread and sweets in my future - so I have to learn to adapt those or accept those in moderation or something. We shall see what comes of it. I'll label it the Esther Diet and sell billions of book and have people eating out of my hands in no time!! ;)