Existential Crisis, or Tempest in a Teapot? Time Will Tell
Wednesday, October 03, 2012
I didn't expect this.
So far, I have either been so absorbed in the process of losing weight, or else with dreaming about the future when I am thin again, that I have not stopped to reflect on the "inner me".
All of a sudden, when the number of pounds lost hit "26" -- as it did this morning -- I am starting to obsess about Inner Self versus Outer Self.
I don't think I am mentally prepared to lose much more weight, without confronting the issue that made me fat in the first place. (I mean, technically what happened was I gained a lot of weight during pregnancy umpteen years ago and just never bothered to lose it.) The issue is that deep down inside where my values are I truly think that CARING ABOUT ONE'S LOOKS IS VANITY.
Reading through all the past entries I have made on this blog, it's obvious I have been indulging in a lot of vanity. I even said at one point that it's the thought of wearing cute clothes that keeps me going, even though I do have goals for health, fitness, and longevity, too.
At 26 pounds lost, I seem to be having some kind of crisis. I guess it's a motivation issue. There are people who reach a certain point and they start self-sabotaging with food, indulging just enough to stall their weight loss. I don't know if what's happening to me is the same sort of thing -- where I look in the mirror and hardly recognize myself any more and something in the back of my mind is saying "STOP! Don't lose any more weight! You won't be yourself anymore!" (And besides, don't you know caring about your looks is vain? Why did you even start this process?)
Yeah, that's me. If it's going to be a crisis, I'm going to make it into a big, overblown, existential crisis. Maybe this is just a tempest in a teapot and I will wake up tomorrow feeling renewed and invigorated and ready to lose my next 25 pounds. "You can't extrapolate from a single data point." I really need to hang onto that thought!
Only time will tell.