I have this little Capricornian trait about me wherein I'm terrified of succeeding because life is all about the will to power through and drive forward and move ahead and do better. I get that. And I try to watch myself when I'm going to that place.
Yesterday, I went to that place. I literally freaked out. I mean, I'm extremely happy I get to lose my "300-Pound Woman" title. I've wanted it gone for so long! (You can read about my thoughts on this in yesterday's "Losing My Title" blog: fitfatgirlblogs.blogspot
) But...it's scary, ya know?
I have been set on reaching this one singular goal since 2004! Actually, since the very first time I reached 300 pounds I thought to myself, "Oh no! This will not work! I will beat that demon down!" It took me more than 8 years to do it at least. And it's been a long, hard, but also fun road getting here.
But now that the little ticker has been checked off my list of to-dos...well, I had a bit of a freak out moment. What now? I mean, yes, lose more weight. But I will be straight up and honest with you...I have very few delusions of ever reaching the 100s. It does not seem fathomable or possible or even likely that I'll get there. And if I ever do...well, with as hard as I fought for the 200s, I just know the 100s are going to be THAT much harder. I just don't know if I have it in me. I don't mean that in a negative sort of way. I just honestly cannot grasp the concept of me being able to accomplish something like that. And I don't even know if I want to.
Sure, a "healthy weight" for me would be around 160. Great. Cool. Not really. The last time I weighed that I was in 6th grade. My son is in 7th grade right now. It does not even register within my brain that I will EVER be that small. And, honestly, I'm alright with that.
Also scaring the crap out of me? The excess skin issue. I'm honestly 100% terrified of getting anywhere near my goal weight because I'm afraid I'll have a major meltdown when I realize it isn't all I wanted it to be.
I've been big ALL my life. I mean as long as I can humanly remember I have been bigger than every other kid my age. I've been through all the taunting, teasing, and bullying. I've been punched in the back, called the most horrible names you can imagine, and spent many a lonely night wondering if life was really worth it. And that was just from the kids at school. It was a whole other list of beatings and punishments and insults at home. Life wasn't kind to me. And I don't say that to get sympathy. I've come to a place in my life where I can push aside the "it's not fair!" bitterness of it all and appreciate how my suffering has made me into the strong, resilient and understanding and caring woman I am today. I am proud when I look at my scars because it is another test I passed, another battle I fought my way through and came out the other side. I consider myself a survivor, and there is amazing power in that. I would not be here if I had not realized that by now.
That being said. I do not know how to be anything but the fat girl. Therefore, I cannot imagine a life in which I do not hold that label. So I guess that scares me.
What's more, even when I get there, I'm going to be taking my wounds and scars with me - mostly in the form of excess skin. This means that even once I shed the fat girl title, I will never be able to claim a "normal girl" title because I won't be able to do things like wear a 2-piece or wear skimpy running shorts and a sports bra. I will be 100% honest. I find loose, baggy skin the most hideous thing in the world. It's ugly. It makes a person look 80 years old. And I'm terrified because I know that will be me. I can already see it happening.
So as great as all the victories are...and as extremely happy I am to be on this side of 300, I'm 100% freaked out and paranoid about what's to come.
Caused a major meltdown and a major case of self-sabotage overeating last night. And I knew it was happening and somehow was powerless to stop it.
So let's just forget I said anything. Carry on. Go about your business. Because I'm not ready to celebrate just yet. I'm too busy freaking the frack out!
The only good thing is...I've been in this place before. I mean, not HERE exactly...this is a bit of uncharted territory...but I've had these feelings and emotions before and I should know by now how to push through them. Because as scared as I am for the future, I'm excited about it as well. I would really, really, REALLY like to see the other side of 290 by the end of this month. I'd like to put a good bit of distance between me and the 300 line so I can be sure I never have to see it again. And the ONLY way I'm going to do that is if I regain my focus and get my butt in gear. That means there isn't time to be freaking out because I need all that energy on calorie counts and sticking to my workouts.
So I'm going to focus on my new background. Forget skinny. I'm becoming an action hero. I may not save the world, but I might just teach my kids how to push through when it's hard, or I might one day inspire someone else to get up and get moving because there is beauty around the next bend. Who knows. I just know that my focus needs to be as straight as Katniss' right now. No second guessing. No time to think. Just do.
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Days to next weigh-in: 2
Fitness Minutes this week: 110/250
Fitness Workout to Complete Today: 50-60 minutes sports at the park
Last night's plank time: 2:00
Tonight's plank goal: 2:10
Tonight's side plank goal: 0:30