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Look...Forget I Said Anything...

Wednesday, September 05, 2012

I have this little Capricornian trait about me wherein I'm terrified of succeeding because life is all about the will to power through and drive forward and move ahead and do better. I get that. And I try to watch myself when I'm going to that place.

Yesterday, I went to that place. I literally freaked out. I mean, I'm extremely happy I get to lose my "300-Pound Woman" title. I've wanted it gone for so long! (You can read about my thoughts on this in yesterday's "Losing My Title" blog: fitfatgirlblogs.blogspot
.com/ ) But...it's scary, ya know?

I have been set on reaching this one singular goal since 2004! Actually, since the very first time I reached 300 pounds I thought to myself, "Oh no! This will not work! I will beat that demon down!" It took me more than 8 years to do it at least. And it's been a long, hard, but also fun road getting here.

But now that the little ticker has been checked off my list of to-dos...well, I had a bit of a freak out moment. What now? I mean, yes, lose more weight. But I will be straight up and honest with you...I have very few delusions of ever reaching the 100s. It does not seem fathomable or possible or even likely that I'll get there. And if I ever do...well, with as hard as I fought for the 200s, I just know the 100s are going to be THAT much harder. I just don't know if I have it in me. I don't mean that in a negative sort of way. I just honestly cannot grasp the concept of me being able to accomplish something like that. And I don't even know if I want to.

Sure, a "healthy weight" for me would be around 160. Great. Cool. Not really. The last time I weighed that I was in 6th grade. My son is in 7th grade right now. It does not even register within my brain that I will EVER be that small. And, honestly, I'm alright with that.

Also scaring the crap out of me? The excess skin issue. I'm honestly 100% terrified of getting anywhere near my goal weight because I'm afraid I'll have a major meltdown when I realize it isn't all I wanted it to be.

I've been big ALL my life. I mean as long as I can humanly remember I have been bigger than every other kid my age. I've been through all the taunting, teasing, and bullying. I've been punched in the back, called the most horrible names you can imagine, and spent many a lonely night wondering if life was really worth it. And that was just from the kids at school. It was a whole other list of beatings and punishments and insults at home. Life wasn't kind to me. And I don't say that to get sympathy. I've come to a place in my life where I can push aside the "it's not fair!" bitterness of it all and appreciate how my suffering has made me into the strong, resilient and understanding and caring woman I am today. I am proud when I look at my scars because it is another test I passed, another battle I fought my way through and came out the other side. I consider myself a survivor, and there is amazing power in that. I would not be here if I had not realized that by now.

That being said. I do not know how to be anything but the fat girl. Therefore, I cannot imagine a life in which I do not hold that label. So I guess that scares me.

What's more, even when I get there, I'm going to be taking my wounds and scars with me - mostly in the form of excess skin. This means that even once I shed the fat girl title, I will never be able to claim a "normal girl" title because I won't be able to do things like wear a 2-piece or wear skimpy running shorts and a sports bra. I will be 100% honest. I find loose, baggy skin the most hideous thing in the world. It's ugly. It makes a person look 80 years old. And I'm terrified because I know that will be me. I can already see it happening.

So as great as all the victories are...and as extremely happy I am to be on this side of 300, I'm 100% freaked out and paranoid about what's to come.

Caused a major meltdown and a major case of self-sabotage overeating last night. And I knew it was happening and somehow was powerless to stop it.

So let's just forget I said anything. Carry on. Go about your business. Because I'm not ready to celebrate just yet. I'm too busy freaking the frack out!

The only good thing is...I've been in this place before. I mean, not HERE exactly...this is a bit of uncharted territory...but I've had these feelings and emotions before and I should know by now how to push through them. Because as scared as I am for the future, I'm excited about it as well. I would really, really, REALLY like to see the other side of 290 by the end of this month. I'd like to put a good bit of distance between me and the 300 line so I can be sure I never have to see it again. And the ONLY way I'm going to do that is if I regain my focus and get my butt in gear. That means there isn't time to be freaking out because I need all that energy on calorie counts and sticking to my workouts.

So I'm going to focus on my new background. Forget skinny. I'm becoming an action hero. I may not save the world, but I might just teach my kids how to push through when it's hard, or I might one day inspire someone else to get up and get moving because there is beauty around the next bend. Who knows. I just know that my focus needs to be as straight as Katniss' right now. No second guessing. No time to think. Just do.

=== === === === === ===

Days to next weigh-in: 2
Fitness Minutes this week: 110/250
Fitness Workout to Complete Today: 50-60 minutes sports at the park
Last night's plank time: 2:00
Tonight's plank goal: 2:10
Tonight's side plank goal: 0:30
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • MIZCATHI
    You have a lot of the fears and anxieties I always had. I spent a good portion of my adult life at almost 300 lbs and then about 325 lbs. There were many times when I thought I would never be "normal". It took many false starts and stops, but in my 50's I am now "almost" 200 lbs and have been in the range of 193 to 200 for about a year now. I know what's going on, it's just a matter of making it important for myself to get to goal.

    In your thirties your skin as a lot more elasticity than at my age, trust me. But make no bones about it, lose skin is a lot better for you than that skin pumped up with fat. As you know, it ages your organs internally. When I complain about my saggy skin my husband always reminds me of that.
    Your saggy skin will bounce back in time, and if not, there are many compromises you can make with fashion and still be expressive and lovely. And there is surgery. There is a girl in her late 30's at the Y who has lost over 100 lbs like myself. She just had surgery on her arms and has other plans, one step at a time.

    Your plan to move ahead one month at a time with small changes in your life will all add up to a stronger you - just keep pushing and loving yourself a long the way. You will not regret any action you take that brings you to a realized self.
    3056 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/6/2012 11:03:00 AM
  • SEBASTIANALADY
    I don't think the only choices available are having a smooth skinned bikini body or staying in the high 200s.

    You could go to the low 200s and be a lot more active, mobile and energetic.

    You could be 170 and wear a tankini at the beach (tank styled top and board shorts or a skirt).

    Or all kinds of numbers in between.

    I am not going to end my fitness journey ready to pose for the SI swimsuit issue. But who cares? I will be able to take long walks on the beach and boardwalk without having to rest on a bench. I'll be able to snorkle for long periods without getting out of breath. Maybe I'll even be more sucessful at surfing by improving my core muscles.

    I have unpleasant memories of junior high and high school too. But I am not going to let some idiotic teen from the past keep bullying me a couple decades later.

    You get to choose your goals. Don't let fear choose it for you.
    3056 days ago
  • LINZEE636
    Thank you so much for sharing this blog. I think that you are amazing and honest. Nothing about losing weight is easy and telling the truth about your fears of continuing to lose and what that may or may not mean to you just seems liberating. Grab onto that excitement because while you may never identify as a "normal girl," your perseverance is simply inspiring and that makes you great!

    I want you to know that you really are a hero :) can't wait to see you "on the other side" (as you say!)...
    3056 days ago
  • HEALTH-E-CLARE
    I'm so glad that you are no longer the 300 lb woman! I know how hard you've been working on getting rid of that title, and I couldn't be happier for you.

    Sounds like you have a solid plan to continue on with this success.
    3057 days ago
  • LINOVER
    Congratulations on losing your old title! I hope to be able to do the same within the next year!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    I know you will continue to strive to reach your goal weight and you will defnitely do it!
    3057 days ago
  • WADINGMOOSE
    You've hit a huge milestone. That's fantastic. And so is your fear. I find that I'm regularly conquering my fears with this change in my life. I've spent a lot of time avoiding doing the things I'm afraid of - which included fear of success AND fear of failure - tell me how that works. That doesn't even address the smaller fears I've got going on. But conquering them feels pretty freaking amazing.

    So when you conquer this fear, you're going to feel great. And it doesn't matter what your next goal is. It could be to lose 5 lbs. It could be just to maintain things. It could be just to maintain your habits and see where it takes you.

    But you know what? All of that is up to you. Completely up to you and it's all completely flexible. It's that sense of control over my life that is the most disconcerting, I think.

    I'm not sure this made any sense or is of any help, but I'm impressed by your success. Great job.


    3057 days ago
  • JOYFULSPIRIT920
    Congrats on reaching that goal. What a wonderful accomplishment.
    Don't let fear keep you from pushing onward.
    Very few of us will ever have the body of a supermodel, but that's okay. The world has enough of those already. What its lacking is women who love themselves regardless of their physical appearance.
    3057 days ago
  • JULIA1154
    Thank you for a heart-felt, honest and inspiring blog. I am glad I read it.

    All I can say is don't let fear deprive you of the joy of accomplishment nor the benefits of losing the rest of the weight. You sound like a pretty strong woman who is getting stronger every day. Just take it one pound at a time and don't borrow trouble by worrying about the future. Trust me, no matter what happens, the future will be better without those extra pounds.

    Keep calm and carry on!
    3057 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4429274
    I love everything about this blog, even the fear and tension and freaking out. Because it's so damn honest and in-your-face.

    Action Hero, indeed!
    3057 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/5/2012 1:23:00 PM
  • ERIN1128
    You're doing awesome, and I know we all really appreciate your ongoing honesty.
    3057 days ago
  • WALLAHALLA
    emoticon emoticon
    I have faith in you! You are doing amazing, and will continue to do so.
    3057 days ago
  • IRISHBEANERGAL
    ok - so loose skin... terrifies me.

    I talked with my doc - I was upfront and honest. And he said "if your loose skin becomes an issue I will help you fight for coverage to remove it as medically necessary".

    WHAT? They can do that? Apparently they can if it is causing other health issues - like rashes from rubbing, and other stuff... who knew? I just figured it was cosmetic...

    I also figure this - if I absolutely positively don't like how I look with the loose skin - I can always "fill it back up" with my old self. Stupid comment - but it IS an option - and somehow that satisfies my (CRAZY) thinking process. It makes me feel as if I have some control.

    Weird...

    Con
    gratulations on entering the 200s - you've fought hard for every single pound - and it will pay off!

    ~Irish
    3057 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/5/2012 11:30:56 AM
  • IRONBLOSSOM
    Excess skin is a fear of mine as well, it's one reason I want to lose the weight NOW while I'm still barely in my 30s and not later in life.

    But I'll tell ya, my mom yoyo dieted for YEARS up to 50-60 pounds either way and she is now trim and without any loose skin. It takes a while but it WILL tighten up to some extent. You don't know how you'll look till you get there. Many people who lose a lot have the skin tightening surgery, but many people do not, you won't know which one you'll be until you reach your goal!

    Don't let past bullying get you down. Kids are cruel to anyone who isn't like them. You weren't like them so you were a target. I wasn't like them either and I was a target, luckily I was able to homeschool and get away from the majority of it.

    You just have to live this life for yourself and your family, don't let your jerkbrain (the one that says "I can't, I shouldn't, I won't") keep you from living the life you deserve!!
    3057 days ago
  • ABEAUTIFULMESS1
    I totally understand how you're feeling!!! I am sooo close to being on the other side of 300 and can't wait to lose the "300 lb woman" title that seems to just linger. But, I'm also scared of what's to come when the reality of what losing all this extra weight will look like and feel like. I know that it can take your mind a while to catch up with your body- especially when you've lost a substantial amount of weight, but we'll get there!! Sometimes, even though right now the adventure seems scary and we have our ideas of how things will turn out, you don't know the reality until you actually get there, and while it might be a crazy, wild ride, the end might be even greater than you could ever imagine! Its sometimes hard to see scary situations ending well- and its ok to be uneasy about what's to come, but its also ok to let yourself be excited!
    3057 days ago
  • SUSIEQ911
    While I understand what you're saying, I have to say that you are NOT powerless.

    YOU ARE POWERFUL AND YOU CAN REACH YOUR GOALS.

    Don't doubt yourself or sell yourself short. You can do this!
    3057 days ago
  • RESTORETOSANITY
    I stayed really heavy for 20 years after losing it all in a short time. One of the reasons was my brain couldn't wrap around the changes. The skin wasn't an issue...THEN, cause I was in my 20's, LOL. Now that I'm on the other side of 45 and losing, thinking about the loose skin actually helped prevent me from making the decision to go for this...until I decided I would rather be smaller, period. I promised myself if after a year of letting my brain adjust (and my skin), and this is after hitting or close to hitting goal weight, if after a year the skin distressed me, I would seek surgery. I don't like surgery, and I'm usually pretty poverty stricken, but I figured out for me this issue was a reservation to help me keep eating compulsively. So I promised myself I would check it out if it became an issue, and just wear elbow length sleeves to work (my own personal compromise on the part that's already an issue). So, your mileage may vary, but this was my experience. In any case, hang in there. And there's never a blog you post that I didn't think wasn't worth reading!
    3057 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12783562
    I'm not sure losing the next number of pounds will be as hard as what you've just done. I would guess that your body is getting used to dropping weight. Just my gut feeling.

    As far as it not being what you wanted it to be, the real issue there is bullying. Once you can work through that, I think you will allow yourself to be what you want to be.

    Don't worry about excess skin. Address it when you get there. You don't even know what your weight will be when that problem pops up. Maybe you'll decide that you'll stop at 220 pounds if excess skin starts at that point and you really don't want it. Just don't decide something like that now. Don't cross a bridge that you haven't gotten to yet. You'll take away important choices from yourself if you do. In my mind, getting rid of excess skin is more pounds lost, but I certainly am not you, and am probably more pragmatic than you are. I am thinking about the same thing, possibly to a different degree, but I may face that nonetheless. Time will tell and I'm not worried about that now.

    Just rejoice in your glory and don't think about the future. Just keep up what you're doing. When you started, you had a certain goal in mind, and just see what happens. At the very least, you'll find out what happens and you won't have to wonder what could have been. Personally, I think you do want to go to 200 or below, or as close to 200 as possible. I can see that between the lines. So keep going!

    Now that I'm at the end of your blog, I can see that you are going to continue! Yes! I think you're doing absolutely terrific. And you are already inspiring others.
    3057 days ago

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