Tears of a Clown

You're welcome for putting that song in your head. Have fun with it all day. :) *runs so you can't catch her to slap her*

I'd love to tell you that last night exceeded all my expectations and went swimmingly well. I honestly thought that's what I was going to tell you at one point...until the tables turned on me and I was crushed. By a machine. A stupid, tiny handheld digital machine with about 6 buttons that I could crush with a simple good toss at the wall. *grumbles*

First of all, I wasn't feeling good yesterday. Stupid idiot that I was, I went to lunch with a coworker while working in the field. And even though we went to a really great, fresh Mexican place (they make a lot of their stuff onsite without bringing in frozen crap to reheat), I honest-to-goodness could tell from the first bite of tortilla chip that I was making a huge mistake. And then I proceeded to make it anyhow...and eat my entire dish of carbs and beans. When I got back to the office, I honestly thought I was going to yack for at least 30 minutes to an hour and it took everything in me to not go running home to the comfort of my bed.

I stayed. For my workout. I thought about cancelling, but then I figured it'd be best to just get it over with. Plus, I'd already skipped my morning workout for it, so if I bailed on it it would be just another day without a workout. So I stayed, got some more work done, started to feel a tiny bit better by the time I headed to the gym and (while groaning like a 5-year-old) got dressed and ready for a workout.

I warmed up for 10 minutes as directed. And thought I was going to get away without having to do measurements until after. YAY!

And then I got pulled off the machine for measurements. *bangs head on bike machine*

After standing around for at least 5 minutes waiting (we have to have a girl do my measurements because they're all weird about having a guy measure a chick's waist), Jason told me to hop on the bike again to stay warm. *sigh* And then two minutes later...I'm off again and going to get measured.

Started off good...a 303.3 on the scale, which was down about 4 pounds from last time. And especially good considering it was basically already the evening so it was a few pounds up from what it might have been that morning at home had I weighed in. As for my waist - I lost a little. None from my belly button (we'll talk more later about how I have to explain to every single person who measures me that they can either choose to measure my waist or they can measure from my belly button, but neither measurement will be close to that of the other because MY BELLY BUTTON IS NOT AT MY WAIST ANYMORE...well, not the part you see. And we'll talk then about how depressing and sad and horrible it makes you feel to explain this to yet another tiny fit woman who can't possibly understand what that might be like and looks at you like you're making excuses or something. I honestly want to scream "FHUCK YOU! JUST MEASURE MY WAIST!")

And then the body fat measure. They use a handheld machine and, yes, I know these things are inaccurate, but still. Last month it was at 47.2% body fat. This time? I got 41.6% and I almost did a friggin' cartwheel. I got so happy and excited...and then I second guessed myself and said, "well, that can't be right, can it?" To my dismay, Jason agreed. That could not be right. "Maybe I set it for a male." he told me. Gee. Thanks. Appreciate that. He inputted my data again and we started over and the thing said 47.2% this time. And I swear to you I just about fell apart. "Are you serious?!" I said aloud. "NOTHING?" Of course Jason chimes in with, "Hey! Your BMI went down!" and I snapped at him and told him, "BMI is a crap number that means nothing really and you know that." He didn't say anything, but I saw on his face that he agreed. And then I proceeded to have one of the worst workouts of my life.

A. I cried through half of it.
B. I apologized through the other half.

Not only because of my crappy results, but because my hip was hurting and there were several things he asked me to do that I just couldn't. And I kept looking around me thinking, "All these people feel sorry for me because they think I'm just starting out or something...how long must I live with this judgement?" And I asked myself what the hell was wrong with me and why was I broken...and then I asked Jason the same thing and he told me he could look over my diet. And then I second guessed my diet because I know what he's going to say - stop eating high fat foods like sausage and bacon and eat whole grains. And I'm going to say no and that's going to be the reason I won't lose any weight ever again.

It was just a bad night. I held it in as best I could for a full 40 minutes and then grabbed my bag and went to my car and sobbed in my car for a good 5-10 minutes before I could leave. "What the hell am I even doing this for then?" I kept asking...along with the "Why am I broken? What's wrong with me?!" question over and over again.

And I thought then about eating myself out of the pain. What did it matter, right!? It made no difference anyhow. I convinced myself to drive straight to McDonald's and get a Big Mac and Large Fries and a Coke and eat the entire damn thing before Hubs and Ethan got home from football. No one would know. Who the hell cares anyhow, right?!

Don't worry. I talked myself out of it...and into some ice cream from Dairy Queen.

That didn't happen either.

I went to Kroger and picked up some pepperoni and some dark chocolate chunks and went home. I ate some of the dark chocolate (probably more than I should have, but still) and then started watching YouTube videos of My Drunk Kitchen and let the whole horrible night go. Whatever. Crap happens. I'm losing weight. The body fat thing must be wrong because my calves are friggin' full of monster muscles now and they weren't before. And if my waist is shrinking, then what the hell is that and where is that coming from? I don't care. I'll do as my girl Angela says and just keep going..which I did this morning with a great round of laps in the pool (did 88 touches today and feel really ready for the mile attempt on Friday as long as my shoulders hold out - a little sore today but we worked them a lot last night so that's probably why).

I weighed in this morning as a halfway point marker (I figured why wait until tomorrow? Let's just get this over with now and be done with it until September 1st.). 301.8. Doing fine. Keep going.