It's Whatever...

Today is August 8, 2012.
Today is the day I change my life.

Did you all have one of those? Those wake-up, ah-ha, lightbulb moments? Did some outside or inside trigger just flip the switch and you decided that THIS was it?

I didn't have one of those moments. Honestly, I didn't.

I mean, back in 2004 when this all started I sorta did...but not really. I was going in for testing for gastric bypass surgery and I figured that I would start the diet throughout the testing so it wasn't such a shock to my system when I came out of surgery.

In April 2010...I still to this day cannot tell you what hit me. It was a combination of the fact that my childhood friend had been working out and trying to get healthy combined with a weekend trip up to see her where we ended up at the middle school - where I remember walking the track after school lap after lap just trying to lose weight.

I have had so many stops and starts in my life.
I think that's why I don't like the word "journey". Because if I looked at it that way, I would have to include my entire life past the age of about 8.
Because after age 5 I became fat and I stayed that way.
And even though I wasn't ashamed of it (because I was friggin' 8 and didn't care much beyond whether my Barbie's hair was combed and styled properly and if her shoes matched her shirt), everyone around me was. And they taught me the shame I would later adopt and carry with me.

But never - not once - was THAT time THE time.

I don't know why.
Especially by April 2010 when I joined Spark.

I had given up on the idea that there would ever be a THIS time or that I could determine when that time would be. It was out of my hands. I could do what I could. I could try. But I would probably fail.

It's one reason I didn't tell anyone at first what I was doing. My husband found out in the first week or so when I started measuring my food. But other than the world I was building on Spark...no one knew. Slowly I began to tell people. My mom. My sister. My family. A few close friends. And by then people were already noticing my weight loss, so the proverbial cat was out of the bag.

And all the while I was biting my nails, but trying to be brave.

Finally, I let my world in on FB.

Big mistake. HUGE!
Because now I felt like they expected things of me I wasn't prepared to give.
They wanted me to be someone I didn't feel I was yet...and might never be.

Because, remember, this time wasn't THE time...or at least I had no control over whether it would be or not.

Add to that a lengthy plateau that is probably 99.9% my fault for whatever reason and...

This wasn't the time.
Maybe tomorrow was the time.
Maybe it never would be the time.

Last night, as I watched my son's football team practice, I heard a lot of the boys panting and breathing heavy and unable to do a lot of the basic drills they use to do day after day.

ADD THAT TO...

After practice, I stopped by the store for the dreaded box of instant mashed potatoes and a bag of frozen vegetables.

ADD THAT TO...

A huge fight I had earlier with the Hubs...and an offhand agreement from him about how I had not been choosing my food wisely the past few days.

ADD THAT TO...

A talk with my son when we got home from football wherein I made him stretch (because they don't stretch them out after practice or games) and then had him ice his sore ankles.

...somehow...yesterday broke my heart.

I was feeling pretty good about myself. I'd been hitting the gym pretty regularly. I'd been making a ton of meals at home. I'd been using the weekends to get my house cleaned, scrubbed and organized - which involved more weekend movement than I've had in months. And yet...I don't know...I still feel like it's not enough and that I'm not enough.

And I don't know how to fix that...or if it can be fixed.

Today in the pool I pushed a little harder on my last few sets of laps. I got the entire 1600 yards in, and followed that with 40 uber relaxed cool down yards. The fast laps helped me hit some higher ranges on my HRM (130s-160), but I can't say it's made me feel any better.

I feel more like I'm treading water.

Until I figure out what else to do, though...I'll keep treading.

Because even though I can't say that THIS is THE time.
I can't say it isn't either.

I feel like I have no control over it...and that makes me sad and frustrated.
And then I feel like I have the control, I'm just not strong enough to do it...and that makes me even more sad.

More than anything, I'm feeling bored and stressed and pressured and overwhelmed by all that's been thrown at me lately. Between work and the house and my kids and football and dinners and workouts and still not getting anywhere with ANY of it...

*shrug*