Surviving Cancer & Losing a Baby
Thursday, August 02, 2012
There are worse things in the world than my story, and I am very thankful for what I do have, but this year has been terrible. My husband was disgnosed with prostate cancer Nov. 2011. By March 2012, he had his prostate removed. For those who didn't google it yet and don't know, a prostate is a male gland that supplies the "swimmers" with something to swim in. No prostate, equals no babies. Before my husband had his removed we tried to conceive one more child naturally. I have two BEAUTIFUL daughters at home that I am very thankful for. The day before his surgery, I conceived!!! It was a bit of great news during a time of bad news and a difficult recovery for my husband. So, we were over-joyed. It was a gift and a blessing. Also, I was recently diagonosed with having Lupus (an auto-immune disorder that can effect pregnancy), so along with being excited I was also nervous and scared that I would miscarry during the first trimester. So once I was 13 weeks pregnant I got even more excited that we were going to have another child...Then, just when I was feeling safe, she was taken away. At 17 weeks, they couldn't find a heartbeat. I was devastated. I had to have a c-section to deliver my poor baby who had her umblical cord wrapped tightly around her neck and torso. I know there is nothing I did wrong, but I can't help but look for a reason. We named her Hope Katherine and I know she is in God's arms waiting for me. It's hard not to get mad and think, "why? What did I do to desrve this?" I believe this happened in an attempt to turn my heart away from God. But I won't let it. If anything, it has brought me closer to Him. I am going to be a better person walking with the Lord because I HAVE TO see her again. I have to make it back to her. And the only message I have to anyone who has felt pain and sorrow for any reason is never to turn from God because of it. He didn't do this, He loves you and will carry you when you feel like you can't go on. Someone else wants your soul, and that snake will do terrible things to get it. And the nicer you are, the harder the snake knows he has to work. That's why bad things happen to good people. Never turn away, draw God close, pull Him near.
Never before would I share what I am really thinking or what I really believe but it has been helping me to heal. So even if you have different beliefs, please understand that these are my beliefs and are not posted here to piss you off; they are here to help me heal. And thank you for listening.
Here's to my Hope, I love you, and I can't wait to see you.