As a follow-up to my earlier blog (if you haven't read it yet, go back and read it...I'll wait.....got it?), I've been trying to refocus myself a bit. I realized I have to stop focusing on what could go wrong, what the negative outcomes might be, and start remembering all the things I wanted to do with my new thinner self. In all honesty, I kept asking myself, "What could I do clothed then that I really can't (or don't want to) do now?"
Why do I want to lose weight if it might cause all the problems I've already listed?
To go surfing, or at least learn how. I don't think that right now I could "pop up" on the board. I don't even know if I could stablize myself on the darn thing on my belly right now. Plus, you aren't going to catch me DEAD in a wet suit or other proper surfing attire right now. But even with baggy skin, I might look okay in a wetsuit...at least enough to forget about how I look and see if I actually like to surf. Of course, there's this little thing of the fear of the ocean that I have to get over, but I've been working on that. Last year was the first time I went out beyond where I could touch. First time EVER. I got over the fear (for the most part) and I really liked it!
Snorkeling. Actually, this is probably something I should be doing now as the fat will help me float better, but I just can't see spending the money when I'm terrified to be seen in a bathing suit. Sure, I swim 2-3 times a week. I go to the beach and the lake and the pool in a bathing suit. But with what some of those girls at the lake are wearing, I have nothing to worry about! (YIKES! Just because you CAN doesn't mean you SHOULD!) And the pool? I'm at the friggin' gym and swimming the whole time and I totally space out when I'm doing my laps so I never worried about that much. And the beach? I always tell myself, "I'm never going to see these people again, so what do I care?" But THE BEACH, as in some place wonderful and exotic and foreign and beautiful...I don't know, in my head you just have to feel more confident with yourself to go there.
And so I can kayak. Because right now I can't imagine squeezing my butt into one of those tiny things right now. Or doing fun things like rolls (*snort* nice pun!) without drowning.
And water skiing!
And whatever the hell that is. (Okay, so I just put that picture in because it's an awesome picture...I don't think I'll ever be able to do that...but the headstand? I could work my way up to that if I had less weight holding me down!)
And scuba diving!
And parasailing (another weight limit issue here that I MUST overcome!). Though I'll probably friggin' HATE parasailing because I'm just a TINY bit (okay A LOT) afraid of heights, I hate that I CAN'T do it. *pouts like a 5 year old*
And so I can do that...any distance I want (if I work my way up to it) and at a reasonable pace. (Right now I'm around a 11-12 m/m when I do run.)
And so I can wear polka dots or stripes without looking like a circus tent or some attraction at a fair.
And so I can actually own one of these.
Or wear this without it being compared to a Mumuu (and in a VERY negative way!).
Or go with this and look like a naughty teacher from some 80s or 90s music video (you know, when that's what they actually showed on MUSIC Television - aka MTV).
Or enroll in a beginner's ballet class and only get dirty looks because the kids think I was alive with the dinosaurs.
To read like this.
So I can cry into my knees when I'm sad.
Or get a piggy-back ride.
And run without getting sympathy looks.
And to never have to be told by a stanger how "great" I'm doing, because they never knew I was fat in the first place.
To never hear "keep up the good work!" again. Because I'm not 12 and because I know I have more to do, and YOU know I have more to do, but I don't want to know that YOU know, or at least I just don't want to be reminded of that.
So I can squat in the woods to pee. Yes, I just said that.
And squat down to say hello to a small child.
And to put my legs on the desk and lean back without feeling like I'm going to tip the chair over.
And so I can sit in any chair I want to on the PLANET without a second thought.
For these reasons and many others.
It's time to refocus my whys so I can get back on my way.
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Why are you doing this? What keeps you going when it gets tough?
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