No, seriously. That's how I felt yesterday. I did great all day. I did my workout. I ate healthy fruits and vegs. Other than one small slip of not thinking, I didn't consume dairy OR grains (the soup was the slip up, but it was OH, SO GOOD!). And then I got home and *CRASH*! Just like last week, and the week before. *bangs head on desk*
No, seriously, this is getting out of hand.
I do know what caused it yesterday. Pure exhaustion. I just couldn't even think about cooking. My oldest waited all day to do the dishes and was in my way and I just didn't want to do...well, anything. So I ended up with pizza and breadsticks AND soda. *bangs head on desk* Which I ate/drank TOO MUCH of because I was exhausted and hungry. *bangs head on desk* And then managed to literally pass out on the couch. I think I fell asleep around 9pm and didn't wake up until 4:30am this morning. Hubs even remarked on how tired I must have been.
I need to read more of my book. Is this exhaustion part of the 2-week adjustment period or am I just doing something ELSE wrong?!
The only upside is that I did wake up at 4:30 this morning and I managed to get outside just as dawn was breaking to get in W1D1 of C25k. But I had stomach problems again. *sigh* Is it any wonder? Dairy, grains AND grease! And pop as well! What the hell was I thinking? And this morning I couldn't be bothered and had stupid creamer in my coffee.
I'm GOING to get a handle on this! I HAVE TO!
I don't know why I fall apart every day.
Okay, that's not true. I think I know why now. Or, at least, part of the reason why.
I'm terrified that getting "fit" or whatever type of skinny my body can achieve is going to make me miserable.
Let's face it, not all aspects of losing weight are good and happy and wonderful. My own chiro said that losing the 150+ pounds I've lost so far might be the main cause for my whole pelvic region and back being out of whack. Yes, you heard me right, the doctor said that LOSING WEIGHT has likely caused the problem. *sigh* Remember when it was because I was fat and NEEDED to lose weight that was causing the problems? Ahhhh...those were the days. (NOT!) *rolls eyes*
Other not so wonderful things I've gained from this journey?
- I'm more aware of my body.
Yeah, that sounds like a good thing, but not always. I was in ignorant bliss for a long time, and now that I'm noticing myself more, I see the flaws so easily now and I can't simply ignore them. I feel the actual fat separating from the muscle, which, yes, is a good thing, because it means less fat IN my muscles and organs, but it means that I feel the jiggle SO MUCH MORE in just day to day activites...like walking to the bathroom. Feeling the fat on you is not the most pleasant experience in the world, I promise. I may have been bigger before, but it was so big that it was less jiggle and more slow roll from side to side. And I know how off-putting and ridiculous this all sounds, but it's affecting my mental state and if anyone else out there is planning on losing 200 or more pounds, just know that this might be something you feel about halfway through.
- Excess skin.
I'm already noticing it more and more...and it's just downright sad. It just simply makes me sad. Because I'm 31 years old, and this is taking SO long that ...well, let's just say it, there's no hope for me to have a rockin' body without surgical assistance. This makes me sad more often than I ever admit. People wonder why I've been in such a hurry, but what they don't understand is that, in my head, the more time I'm fat, the less time I have to be skinny. The more time I'm fat, the more stretched my skin becomes and the less elasticity (is that the word?) I have to make things "bounce back". I guess I'm realizing now that it's not just about wanting to waste my life as a fat girl and not wanting to waste my entire 30s being fat, but because all the information we receive is, "The sooner you lose the weight, the better chance you'll have to have a "normal" body." But I'm realizing that it's all false hope anyhow. The damage is done...and whatever I have when I'm done with all of this, might be the biggest disappointment of my life.
Yes, I'm terrified that my husband won't like me when I'm skinny. When I have old, wrinkly, sagging skin like a 80 year old at the age of 35, or 40 or even 50...whenever my body and head decides to finally lose the rest of this weight. *taps foot impatiently* So while this plateau was simply a obstacle before, I think I've been setting up the roadblocks myself lately. Because I'm scared of what's to come. And I think I know what it will look like. And I don't know if I'd just rather be fat than be wrinkly and old prematurely. (And, yes, I know how awful all that sounds, but it's 100% true.)
- I've reached a progress stop point.
Not just on the scale, but there are yoga moves I want to improve but can't because of the huge stomach apron getting in between me and my legs (which are looking much nicer, btw...my calves are the only thing I have hope for in the future). I can't progress any further with my flexibility until I get rid of the actual physical obstacle in my way. And that pisses me off!
- I can see my thinner self.
This is another thing that's been taunting me for a while now...and I may have mentioned it before...but I can actually SEE my thinner self. I can see the form and shape of my would-be-normal body, but, again, that stupid stomach apron and the bubble butt are keeping me from a shape I would be more proud of...maybe.
- Calcium deposits.
When I was younger, I went to the doc to ask about a bump on the top of my foot. It's this soft little bump right on the top of my foot and it bugs the crap out of me because it makes my foot look weird. My doc at the time told me that it was nothing to worry about, it was just a little calcium deposit. Between that bump and the calcified ligament in my neck, I'd say my body has had issues processing calcium correctly in the past. No clue what causes that, but I sure wish it would stop. Since losing weight I've discovered two more calcium deposits on my body that were not noticable before because of the extra fat. One is on my inner thigh. Not too worried about that one as no one is likely to see it but me. It's just a slight annoyance to me that it's there, nothing more. (I know already that my thighs are a lost cause. I can see the hanging skin already and I'm already having nightmares of what the upper part of my legs are going to look like when all this is said and done.) But the other one? It's on MY FACE! My friggin' face, y'all. The one thing about me that, even when I weighed nearly 500 pounds, I was still okay with. The one part of me that no one ever had a problem with. But now, next to my lips in the spot where a cute dimple could be is a friggin' calcium deposit that makes me want to cry (and also makes me want to not smile or otherwise draw attention to it). It's like a big "HAHAHAHA!" with pointing from your middle school bully every time I look in the mirror now. I cannot even begin to describe how much this damn bump is messing with my head. I keep thinking, "Oh, so I'm losing weight so I can get UGLY?! Great!" *sarcasm*
These are the thoughts that are keeping me from losing the weight.
I know that. I really do.
I know I'm actually CHOSING not to lose weight.
I'm wasting my own time spending hours working out, only to stuff my mouth in order to not lose any more weight and have to face the consequences of a lifetime of being obese.
It sounds completely stupid, but I know it's 100% true.
When this plateau started, it was completely out of my control.
But in the past few weeks, at least through all of June, it's been my doing 100%.
I've adjusted my calories to restart my metabolism again and give it a break. And then when it was time to lower them back down just a smidge from maintenance? I couldn't do it. I didn't know if I wanted it any more. I mean, YES, I want to be skinnier. I want to fit into nice clothes and look and feel great about myself and my accomplishments. But what if losing this weight only makes me hate my body more?! And what if the people who love me exactly how I am now, don't like me any longer when I'm a slab of loose, baggy skin?! Because I won't likely have the money for any surgery to follow, and I don't have the best of luck with insurance companies.
I have a weigh-in tomorrow at the gym and I want to cry. Because I know I'm going to disappoint Tanner. I had been at least holding pretty steady with my weight, and my body fat % was going down so he knew I was still working, but my body wasn't cooperating scale-wise. But now? I'm going to have to face the failure *I* created this past month. We're going to see a huge spike on the scale and probably a spike in my body fat % as well. And he's going to ask me why and I'm going to have to say, "Because I'm scared to be skinny!"
Starting over again today. Going to try to make it right. Going to try to get through one night without falling apart completely. But I know that I need to change my mindset...I just don't know how. And I keep asking myself, "What worked before?" and, truth is, I don't really know. I've gone from vision collages to refusing to think about the future to just living in the moment to just getting through one workout to setting streaks to setting goals to a million other things. I've always been in constant motion but it's always been from side to side, never back and forth like it is right now.
I guess it's possible to be two people at once.
The scared fat girl and the determined athletic chick.
Who will win is yet to be seen.
I hope it's the athlete...
Why do I wake up each day and keep trying??