Thursday, June 14, 2012
I am back again, I think. I stopped using Spark once I got my weight down to around 160 in 2009. I wasn't happy with that weight at all at the time, but I had cut my calories so much that I didn't think I could cut back any more and I didn't have time to exercise more than I was then, either. So, I stopped coming to Spark so much because seeing all the success stories made me envious and mad at myself. They weren't inspiring me anymore, so I felt it was time for a break.
Of course, since then I re-gained all of the weight I lost. I'm at 189.4 today. Awesome.
Last time I was here was right before my 30th birthday, which had me quite depressed. I had just given up trying Healthy Chef Creations and Seattle Sutton with no success on either meal plan. It was actually on my birthday, November 16th, that I went to the book store to look for a book on emotional eating. Instead, what I ended up finding was Wheat Belly. I picked Wheat Belly up thinking it was just another fad diet or new pseudo-science; however, after reading a few pages I was very intrigued. I read the book in a couple days and cut out wheat from my diet immediately. I have only had wheat on 4 or 5 occasions since that day 7 months ago.
Wheat Belly promised me weight loss, energy, focus, etc. However, I have found none of those things. None at all. I am every bit as tired, depressed, fat, and unhappy as I was 7 months ago. I've experienced no significant weight loss, that's for damn sure.
I even began reading Dr. Davis's (the author of Wheat Belly) blog. That lead me to start reading Mark's Daily Apple. From there, I moved from eliminating wheat to eliminating all grains from my diet. I've been eating a "Primal" diet since the beginning of 2012. No success with that either and now I'm officially depressed. F*ck that stuff, seriously. I've spent so much time worrying about what to eat, whether or not what I was eating was primal or not, I even started taking tons of supplements such as iodine, magnesium, vitamin D, etc. What a waste of time.
Yesterday I saw an episode of Dr. Oz about anorexia. They were talking about pro-ana websites and interviewed a few anorexic people on the show. I probably shouldn't even admit this, but I looked up a bunch of pro-ana websites today. I even joined one with a forum. I'm hoping I can figure out how people who are anorexic do it. I already hate myself and feel guilty anytime I eat anything, but apparently that is not enough to get me to stop eating. I feel so disgusting right now that I really just can't take it anymore. This weight has to go. It controls me as it is, so I don't see how being anorexic would really make my life any more difficult than it is. In fact, if I could somehow stop thinking of food as an option at all, it would be a huge relief. Instead of worrying if what I'm about to eat complies with some ridiculous set of primal rules, I can just not eat. That seems easier in theory. I know it isn't in practice.
So, I guess this is Nikki in 2012. Depressed. Fat. Bored. Sick of life as it currently exists. Tired of being the fat friend. Tired of feeling as though I can't be myself because the real me is buried under 70 pounds of excess fat.