Soaked...and Random Thoughts
Wednesday, June 06, 2012
NOTE: This is a brain dump from someone who is struggling. Like most of my recent blogs, I guess. And I suspect that will mean that you won't enjoy reading it, so please don't feel obligated to. I know I'm not the most pleasant person to be around right now, but I'm hoping that I'll pull myself out of it soon. I will tell you though, all this mental crap is totally tied to the non-progress I feel on the scale. Whether you think that's wrong or right doesn't matter, because whether or not I like it myself, it's severely affecting my sense of self right now. I live in this society with all of you and my weight makes me akin to lepers by this society's standards - so it is any wonder that I feel that way sometimes?
Crazy stupid dream last night involving me, my husband, and some other couple who were hot and gorgeous (especially the woman). I woke up and tried to brush the whole thing off, but the one thought that woke me up just wouldn't leave me -- I will never look good naked. I ended up crying in the shower and while I dressed for work. Sometimes this is the battle I have with myself to continue. It's my "what's the point" moment. It's my "all is already lost" conflict in my head. This was a very difficult morning.
And no doubt part of my loss of confidence has been from my slip-ups each night this week. I must say that I'm doing much better right now than I was the past few weeks, but it's not the determination and drive and stick-to-it-ness that I once had and it's been weighing down my mind with guilt and shame. And each morning I get up and try to be better. Hopefully today will be the day I finally break through. Each day I hope that, but I really do hope my day is coming soon. Because I know if I keep trying each day, one day I will break my cycle again and pull myself back up and out and be on my way with the drive and determination I know I have in me. I just have to get through that first day and go to bed proud of myself.
I'll keep trying.
Other things on my mind?
I had been seriously looking forward to going to the amusement park on Monday when I get back from DC, and then last night the plans started to change. Mom would rather do something else, and me? Well, just like a 5-year-old, I want all of it. I want to try to do both. The outdoor drama she wants to do on Monday and then the amusement park on Tuesday. This is the only thing I'll have this year resembling a vacation, so I really do want to enjoy it and make some great memories...but I can tell Hubs isn't really into it...and that makes me want to just forget the whole thing. Don't get me wrong, he's agreed to go, but little comments he makes tell me that he's only doing it because he wants to make me happy. This is a regular theme with us and I wish we could get past it because I always plan the trips and activities, and he never wants to do them, but he always has fun doing them just the same and brags about them to his friends when it's over. Yet, the whole time we're doing said activity, I worry that I'm not keeping him entertained and he'd rather do what HE wanted to do, which is always just relax and chill at home or something else I'd otherwise consider quite boring.
No clue on what we'll do yet, but my stomach is in knots over it.
Not only because I don't know what to do, but because even doing what I want to do is going to be scary for me. I haven't been to an amusement park since I was about 16 years old...and I gained a lot of weight between then and becoming an adult and just figured it was best if I didn't go. When we went to Disney World in 2004 before I started losing my weight, I actually researched which rides I might be able to squeeze into (and found a wonderful site for it!) but I'm not finding anything like that for King's Island and I'm terrified. I want to try to ride a ride - just one - just to see if I can. But I'm unsure.
I THINK I'm the same size, if not smaller, than I was in high school when I was able to ride them, but then I'm not so sure about that because the size of jeans between 1999 and today have changed SO much with vanity sizing (don't kid yourself, they all do it now) - plus the fit is SO different nowadays so I have really no clue if this size is the same, even if my weight is still a bit higher. And I can buckle nearly every plane seatbelt now (the last time there was one tiny little turboprop - and I mean TINY - that required an extender, but just barely...I think I might be able to buckle them all now), so I'm thinking that's a sign that I might be able to ride without problem. But airplane seat belts are not roller coasters and that's like comparing apples to oranges maybe. So, yeah, I'm nervous because I could get there and try and then have to do the walk of shame. And I'm more scared about my soul being hurt than my pride. I can take the humiliation - I've lived with it most of my life and have gotten pretty good at toughening up and reminding myself that the people around me don't know me and I won't see them again so it doesn't matter - but I don't know if I could take the hurt to my soul from realizing I'm not as far along as I say I am.
But I want to conquer that fear.
Because I won't know until I try.
But I'm scared.
And next week is my DC trip and I'm both sad and happy that I'm going alone. Part of me thinks about all the sleep I can catch up on, about spending hours in the hotel gym doing whatever the hell I think might help me fall over the side of this stupid plateau. Time for myself is something I very seldom get, so a week of it should prove great for my mind, heart and soul, right?! Maybe. I'm scared I'll be bored out of my mind and sad that my Hubs and kids aren't there...that there isn't ANYONE to share it with. Because I'd love to make friends with my classmates and be invited out to drinks, but I never seem to be in the loop on these things and I wonder what it is about me that makes other people just not want to befriend me. Perhaps I'm just someone people don't care to get to know. The last time I was there I was invited out for drinks. The time before that, I simply wasn't. The entire group went, and I didn't go, and I can't remember if I rejected the invitation (because my kids and Hubs were there with me at the time) or I simply wasn't invited. And I'm starting to worry that I'm either not a good friend or else just not good at making friends.
I'm doubting myself a lot lately.
I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted, but...I'm a bit lost.
Nothing is going as I planned. And, boy, can I plan!
And I just don't know how other people do it.
How do they just let people in?
How do they make friends so easily?
How do they keep them?
I felt a part of something for a while, but now I'm back to feeling like I'm on the outside looking in.
I guess this is the mental part they tell us all about.
I feel like all I've done for 2 years is work on the mental part and I'm sick to death of being mental all the time. (pun intended)
I'm having a lot of self-doubt and I don't know how to feel okay with myself or proud of myself any longer.
When my weightloss stalled, I felt like my entire life came to a huge halt.
I was doing something great, and now I'm just spinning my wheels.
And I say all this not knowing what this week holds for me weight and body fat % wise but not having a lot of hope of good things because every single night this week I've fallen apart somehow. And if you want to move forward, you can't keep putting your tail between your legs and running back to the start every day. You have to keep moving forward by taking one step beyond the last one you took before - but lately I just feel myself retreating because I don't want to fight for something I can never have. I don't want to be disappointed yet again in life. Everything I was told to do to get what I wanted I have done. And every time it has ended in my crushed hopes and dreams. I was just hoping this was one thing I could actually win. But I'm so scared of failing that I'm not ready just yet to try to succeed. Because I don't want to be disappointed in myself. I don't want other people to be disappointed in me either. And I often feel like I'm just giving in to what they expected of me anyhow. No one expected this to last. No one thought I could break the cycle that started 2 generations ago without outside help, which many in my family have turned to. I'm the only one trying to do this on my own the hard way, and I'm the one who isn't having any success - which just may prove that they're right and there is no hope. Or it may just prove that I'm not up to the challenge.
And I'm feeling quite abandoned by friends both here and IRL. Which is probably my fault somehow because I disappointed them by not being what they wanted me to be. And I don't know whether I should just be okay with that - because why change who you are so that other people like you? But shouldn't we change the bad things about ourselves so that we become better people? And how can SO many people be wrong and I'm right? That's not usually the case. If 50 people are telling you that there's something wrong with you out of 60...well, maybe there's something to that.
I'm a friggin' mess!
ST workout today at lunch. No excuses this time. I have no love for it right now, but I will figure out a plan of action and will get in as much ST as I can on my break. Maybe that will help me make it over the hump.
I'll go back and update my Week 1 blog with yesterday's stats, which probably aren't very pretty. Hell, at least I swam, right?! I did something right, at least. *sigh* Too bad "not too bad" doesn't get me ANYWHERE these days.