Wednesday, May 09, 2012
I've been struggling with the idea of this second job for...well, since I started. On the one hand, the extra money will be great in getting my family back where it needs to be. Hubs is in between paycheck periods from the old job and new, and I knew that this would help us from falling too far behind. That being said, there's a lot of resentment building up inside of me, and I hate that about myself. Hubs is onto a good thing here...I have to keep reminding myself of that...and this is only temporary.
Only...I'm not so good at "only temporary" because I hate letting people down. I hate knowing that good people are trying to train me on things (and, boy, have I been trained!) because they're counting on me to be the help they need right now. I know my assets. I learn fast and I'm always ready and willing to take on any extra responsiblity if it means helping out the team. Of course, this is a major cause for making me lose my dang mind every now and again, so I'm stuck between trying to settle within myself what I need and trying to help other people with their lives. Sometimes I'm just a little TOO compassionate for my own good.
I have 45 days of this probationary period. Either me or my employers can decide within that time that it's just not working out and just up and leave. But I'm not good at quitting...even when I'm failing (like I have been at losing weight), I can't accept failure or defeat. I can't fathom the thought that I "CAN'T" do something because I hate that word and all it means. So as much as I want to quit, I can't bring myself to do it without giving it the old college try.
That being said, I'm exhausted, and everything else seems to be slipping. Try as I might to keep the fire going to lose weight and exercise...it's been really hard fighting the need for sleep and rest. Standing for 5-8 hours a day wears my body out so much that by the time I get home I can't fathom the thought of putting it through any more challenges. I thought my body would be better suited to this job after all the training I've given it...but I don't know how people stand still for 5 hours straight without wanting to pull out their hair. And when I try to keep busy...well, certain people at this job want to give me rules about what I'm not supposed to be doing. "You can't bag for me." "You have to stand there." Blargity-blargh, dude. If I can bag for you and still pay attention to the other things that need my attention, then what are you b!tching about? God forbid someone do MORE than what's expected of them, right? You all might have a friggin' heart attack and die or something because someone did more than was required even though they were only getting minimum wage. (Sorry, I just don't work this way. I like to stay busy. An hour spent watching a clock as I do the least amount required is just wasted time to me.)
And the troubles that the standing still is causing are numerous.
My foot hurts from the PF even though I try to stretch it out all the time.
My ankle has started to hurt so much I'm thinking I might need to wrap it for work. It feels like it's going to snap any minute!
My neck area is suffering...a lot. That darn calcified ligament is not doing me any favors and I can feel it pinching my nerves now and again.
My lower back hurts like an SOB...and I know I need another appointment with the chiropractor...I just can't figure out when I can make that happen since I'm working every day.
I know my hips are majorly "off" again (actually, it's my pelvis, but it causes problems everywhere else).
My knees hurt.
And, the most surprising two - my right shoulder has been hurting a lot (I guess from pulling groceries across the scanner over and over again all day) and the finger pads on my left hand are starting to blister and crack (I have no reasoning for this....no friggin' clue...though it may be caused by the soap in the bathrooms as Hubs' hands were eaten up by the that soap when he started there and we were starting to worry he has psoriasis or something).
All I keep thinking is how this job has stripped me of all my confidence and made me feel like the uncapable fat girl once again. I can walk 10 miles but I can't stand still for an hour without wanting to rip out my own insides in order to redirect the pain or make it stop.
All that being said...there have been slight improvements.
Yesterday I worked 5 hours at the store. (Training in yet another area.)
On my 15 minute break, I made myself a protein shake with 2 scoops of powder and a bunch of water.
After work, I grabbed some ham, roasted chicken breast and cheese from the deli and, instead of stopping by one of the 10 food places around me to get food, I went home and made a sandwich instead.
(Bad: I made 2 sandwiches. However, I hadn't eaten since about 8:30am that morning and had only had the shake to keep me going. It should have been enough...but it wasn't.)
For dinner, my oldest whipped up some tacos with ground turkey breast and I made "refried beans" by just blending up some black beans in the food processor.
(Bad: I ate a little too much, but I tried to keep myself in check as much as possible.)
However, I didn't log. Finding time to log has been a major PITA...even though I know I'm not going to get ANYWHERE if I don't do it. I have to log. I can trick myself into thinking I did great and then have a day where I've eaten 3k calories because I didn't remember that I had that cookie or an extra serving of cereal or something.
I feel like I'm starting all over again, so I guess that's what I'll have to do.
I can't be a calorie nazi right now, I just have to know what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong so I can make changes later to adjust.
I also was inspired by my 10-year-old yesterday and the two of us did some ST moves while watching Glee and New Girl last night.
25 modified pushups
150 crunches (well, I've passed that goal for May already!)
It wasn't a lot...but it was better than the nothing I felt like doing. And I would have done more burpees if it weren't for the fact that they hurt my @ss right now. I somehow pulled my gluteal muscles while stretching the other day. Maybe all this standing is giving me a tight tushy or something. *shrug*
The only downside is...I have no desire to go to the gym tonight.
I want to cancel my supervised workout and go home and clean like a madwoman and cook the soup I've been trying to find time to make for the past 5 days. There are too many things on my to-do list and not nearly enough hours in the day.
Plus, I get off work at 4:30pm, which means I COULD be home before 6...but I couldn't get my trainer before 6pm...which means if I do choose to workout tonight, I'll be staying at the gym from 4:45pm until probably 7pm...and I do NOT want to do that. At all.
I might cancel.
Just reschedule it for next week and go burn some calories doing what I really NEED to do.
But I don't want to skip another day of Stronglifts...because I skipped Monday when I pulled my butt. (yes, I know this sounds funny, but it's totally true!)
Hate making them.
I feel like I'm going to let myself down no matter what I do.
And how the hell am I going to feel after working out for 2 hours...because that's what I'll do if I stick around. I can't just "relax" for an hour while I wait for my appointment. I don't work that way. So if I go tonight, I'll do my Stronglift set and THEN do another 45 minutes with the trainer. And how the hell am I going to walk after doing all that?! *sigh*
I guess we'll see...
...I need a nap...
...and a stiff drink...