Hold Your Breath - Part I - LiveFit Wk 2, Day 10
Wednesday, April 04, 2012
So I'm 10 days in and this morning I got a very good number on the scale. So good, in fact, that I'm afraid of it being a false reading. So instead of announcing it, I'm holding my breath. Let's see what pans out on Sunday at official weigh-in. If I can just hold steady here I will be a very happy woman and have very happy news to report. But all I keep saying to myself, instead of "great job!" is "don't friggin' blow it now!"
Last night, I almost did. I had a pretty rotten awful day yesterday. I cried to Hubs on the phone at one point. I took my last break outside, slumped against the side of the building, staring out into the pretty day and raging at everyone and everything. Being told over and over again that you're not doing good enough, that you don't understand when you do, and feeling like no one understands you -- and feeling that in just about every aspect of your life...well, it kinda eats away at your soul. I'd like to say I need a break, but there's no break from life, besides, I couldn't afford a break anyhow. Hubs asked me to just leave early from work because I was beyond stressed out...but I couldn't. I have to be here. I have to handle it. Like I said before, stop telling me how "hard" it's going to be, because that doesn't make it any easier and it doesn't mean it doesn't have to be done. But I can say that if something doesn't break soon, I might.
So when I got home and Hubs came out to greet me (he had last night off) and took my bags from me and asked if I wanted to just go out to dinner and relax for the night. I gave in. I told him I wasn't hungry (I ate a cup and a half of my chili and a bunch of steamed cauliflower and broccoli and then HAD to stop because I was just SO full!) but that I did want to go out. I didn't want to sit at home and brood over all the things I had no control over but seemed to have complete control over me. So we loaded up the car and went to one of the local Mexican restaurants. I knew my calories were low for the day, so if I was a tiny bit hungry and it was 8pm, I'd just have a few chips or something (although completely "off plan" as carbs are a no-no that late). I ended up eating a couple chips, and then forcing myself to stop. When I felt I wanted a couple more, I had them, and then forced myself to stop. Ethan offered me a bit of what was left of his bean and cheese nachos after he got full, so I asked myself if I was actually hungry or just wanted them. I was a bit hungry. I ate them. I stopped when I was full. Overall, not bad damage to the day.
Calories Consumed: 1890
Calories Burned: 340
Net Calories: 1550
I can live with that just fine.
Of course the whole time I was eating I kept telling myself how many pounds I was going to gain from it. "Well, here's another 3 pounds." Hubs jumped on the bandwagon (by now my weight fluctuations over stupid stuff has become family fodder for our steady ream of jokes) "Nope, four." And "Well, there's another 20 pounds." Hubs: "21!"
Luckily I managed a loss this morning. But, again, holding my breath. First of all, I've always heard it takes 2 days for the scale to really register something like that. I'm hoping that the boost in sodium won't matter as much since I managed to down something like 16 glasses of water yesterday (I drank water like it was my JOB). But...we shall see. Either the ball will drop on me tomorrow or Friday, or I'll somehow manage to have escaped the wrath of my unforgiving body.
To top it all off, there was absolutely NO getting out of bed at 4am this morning. None. I needed the extra sleep, of that I was sure. It wasn't the DOMS that kept me there, or the unwillingness to come, once again, to my soul-sucking job, but the actual NEED for sleep. So I forgave myself. I slept in and vowed that I'd hit the gym after work. At least I have something other than "my bed" to look forward to...maybe that will help get me through another day of this nonsense. Plus, it will be nice to not have to check the clock all night to make sure I'm not going over my time. No time limit tonight. Just me and my scheduled routine.
One other final thought. My mind has already begun rebelling against the program. Which is stupid because it's working. Not the nutritional part, of course. Hubs asked me the other day if it gets boring to eat basically the same thing every day, but I explained to him that this plan allows me the freedom to make changes and make new meals and no two days ever HAVE to be exactly the same. Sure, I end up eating a lot of the same things throughout the week, but that's basically because of my batch cooking on the weekends. It leaves me with a few choices to get me through the crazy week, but not enough to eat something different every single day. But I don't seem to mind, actually.
The way I've been mentally rebelling, though, has been in the gym. My mind wants to push harder, do more, get a little extra in. It's the same thought patterns that got me into this mess to begin with. Sometimes, my friends, more is not always better. This program is designed for a specific purpose, and if I deviate because I think I'm somehow more bad@ss than Jamie Eason herself, I may end up on the burned out train or injured again. That would be stupid for me to do. So I've been holding myself back, and reminding myself that it will be amped up next week, so I need to just be patient. I've got just the right amount of DOMS going on right now. Less than last week, but enough to let me know I worked on building good muscle and not enough to keep me out of the gym or unable to do simple everyday tasks.
It's still hard though. I want to be up there with the rest of you - running 5ks, 10ks, HMs - lifting until it hurts - putting in 1000-3000 fitness minutes a month. But I know in my head and my heart that that kind of thinking is not meant for me right now. I've tried that. It got me nowhere. Now it's time to try this. Time to try and take it easy on my body. To break a few of my own rules and forge ahead. If it ain't broken, there ain't no need to go fixin' it.
Hold your breath.
Remember that it IS working.
And just keep going as planned.
Confession: It's a little hard for the wanna-be rockstar in me to let everyone else shine while I fade into the background just trying to get by, get through, and move on. I feel so dull and unshiny right now. I feel so non-rockstar. I feel like a slacker. I (stupidly) feel that I'm not doing enough (but I am, because it's paying off). Time to shut off my inner warrior for a bit. Try to shut down my need to be a part of the crowd. I'm sure that some of this feeling of "not belonging" is also the reason for my half-breakdown yesterday, but I can't just ignore what I know to be true. That didn't work. This is. Stay on the path...even if you have to walk it alone. Just like I tell myself, "You can have that later" when it comes to food cravings, I have to keep deferring my own need to "shine" and "amaze" as well. I'll get to have that later. For now, I need to be dull so I can be thin(ner) and heal. I have to tell myself that sometimes it's okay to be boring, because at least it doesn't mean you're being a colossal failure.
Legs and Calves workout tonight. My FAVORITE of all the workouts! Maybe it will lift my spirit.