Is It Time Yet?
Friday, January 13, 2012
This is not going to be a long blog, and I think it's going to come across as somewhat negative, but I really don't mean it to be, it's just one more step on that long journey to self awareness that someday is going to lead me where I need and want to go..so here goes:
Do you ever get sick listening to yourself talk?
I mean, for how long have I battled this battle, said all the things, planned, strategized, read the motivational stuff, pledged..that THIS time is THE time, and then it is not. Sometimes the new battle plan has survived the writing of the blog, sometimes it has died with the last word written..but the one thing all this has in common is that in spite of all my best intentions, I have NOT DONE IT YET.
And frankly, I'm sick of it.
I know it has to be done.
I am wasting time.
I am sick of making excuses, or of having excused being made for me by well meaning people.
I AM SICK OF NOT SUCCEEDING IN THIS JOURNEY TO HEALTH. I know all the things I'm supposed to do, I know all the things I'm not supposed to do. I know with my words, I know with my head, I know with my heart, but then, when push comes to shove and it's time to put up or shut up, I usually end up shutting myself up by stuffing something in my mouth.
I am not going to declare this a call to action, because I have done it so many times before and then fallen pretty much flat on my face. But these words have been rattling around inside me for a long time now, and I just have to put them out there.
I am not beating myself up, but I am looking at myself in the mirror and seeing me, and this is what I am and what I have been for most of the last 3 or 4 years. I have had bright, shining moments, I have had the lowest of low times. I know the place to aim for is in the middle, because that is where we live most of our lives, in the middle. It's not how we deal with the highs or the lows, it's how we react to the everyday living that defines us.
I find it interesting that I so believe in the baby step theory, and yet I feel so overwhelmed at the same time by the task ahead. I KNOW better, yet, I fall victim to the enormity of the journey.
I don't have any grand conclusion, which is different from other times I've written about this stuff.. Usually by the time I end these stream of consciousness blogs, I've come up with a "solution." Perhaps that is for the better, because, as I've already said, none of those "solutions" has ultimately been the way for me to succeed.
Someday, I will be ready to shed the slogans and the pronouncements and just do the work. I hope it is time, for that is the one thing I am afraid I am running out of..