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Yesterday Went Great Until...

Thursday, December 29, 2011

*sigh*

I did so well yesterday. Woke up in the AM. Had 1/2 a bagel with my homemade peanut butter (which, compared to the other stuff is not only better for me but less calories). I drank my coffee. I was feeling good.

On my first 15 at work, I stood around outside reading for a while before I thought to myself, "I could be walking." So I walked back and forth twice outside in front of my building. It wasn't much, but it felt good to move.

On my lunch break, I did 4 back and forths (or maybe 5?) after eating my 1/2 turkey sandwich (seriously, this thing was big enough to count as a full sandwich) from Hubs. Again, it felt good to move. My back didn't hurt too much, though I was starting to feel it on the last little back/forth.

I repeated the first 2 on my last break. I stayed away from candy all day. I chewed gum. I ate a protein bar for one snack. I felt more in control than I have in a while.

And then I went to the gym...and everything fell apart. First I got annoyed by the pre-jumpers. If you aren't a regular gym-goer you might not understand but all the gyms start to pack in the numbers around New Years as people make those blasted resolutions. It's a tough first couple months for us regular gym-goers because we're just waiting for the fall out so we can get back to our routine, which, believe it or not, does not involve waiting for you to finish your 1 of 4 total workouts for the year on the machine we almost always use on this day at this time. *sigh* I know it will be worse in the next couple weeks, but I always start to notice a little pre-NYE push from those people who don't want to be seen as jumping on the NYE Resolutions bandwagon (but really are). To make it even better (*dripping with sarcasm*) right now they're bouncy chicks at the ripe old age of like 12 (okay, maybe they're 17) in their teeny-tiny shorts and sparkly tanks in full makeup and hair done. *rolls eyes* I'm sorry, but I could never consider the gym the place to meet someone. I know people do but...ugh. I'm there with my battle face on, my headphones in, ready to put my entire attention and effort into my time there and make it count. I'm not flitting around all half-hazard on the treadmill, making sure my boobs look good as I blast through 10 seconds at 6.5 speed, just so the dudes (who, btw, are NOT paying attention) know I can go fast and look hot doing it.

So, yeah, there was a little annoyance at the lack of treadmill space, but I just went with it and figured I'd pound it out on the (stupid) track upstairs. (For the record, we don't have one of those fancy tracks. This thing is tiny...someone once told me it takes 17 laps to equal a mile...which means you're going around and around so much I almost get dizzy. Plus...it isn't level. There are bumps here and there. That track kinda annoys me...probably mostly because, if I'm not going to be on a treadmill, then I want to be outside on the pavement. Sometimes I *hate* that I have to check in at the gym to stay in my insurance program.)

But the real kicker was that, while I was only scheduled to WALK at a somewhat brisk pace (and, in my defense, I was going kinda fast - around a 15-16 min/mi pace...fading the whole time, though) for 20 minutes...and I nearly died. After 5 minutes I was feeling it, but I knew that was from the "resting" (or "slacking off"...however you want to look at it) I did the past couple weeks. After 10 minutes, I was just reminding myself that I was halfway there, but could tell I was slowing down no matter how hard I tried to keep up my pace (all the while cursing because I really, really, really wanted to run). By 15 minutes though, the pain in my back was causing significant problems. I wanted to stop, but I had promised myself 20 minutes, so I limped my way through the last 5 minutes and felt dejected and stupid that I had just completed a whole 1.22 miles in about 21 minutes. *rolls eyes*

I know you all are going to hurrah me for getting out there, but I'm so friggin' frustrated still. Just a month or so ago I was running 5 miles. Now I want to die after WALKING ONE MILE?! *bangs head on desk repeatedly*

What's worse...I'm having that nagging, "What's the friggin' point?" ghost haunting me. I asked the Chiro this. I explained that I'm frustrated because I've worked SO hard to lose over 100 pounds and now I'm less mobile than when I was 100 pounds heavier. And then he said what I figured a doctor would one day... "Well, sometimes it's not because of your weight. After losing over 100 pounds, I doubt this issue was caused or is affected by your weight." And while part of me doesn't believe him, part of me was laughing hysterically. Remember all those doctors, year after year, problem after problem who attributed every damn thing I had to my weight? *snort* I kept screaming inside, "Surely every single problem I ever have cannot be because of my weight!" I knew it was mostly a cop-out. And now, straight from the horse's mouth, there it is. "This probably wasn't because of your weight."

I get it, I do. Go with the most obvious solution first. Girl is fat - girl has back problems = girl's back problems could most likely be caused by her being fat. Yea, apparently not.

Still, as funny as that is to me, it's still frustrating to feel like I'm back at square one. Over a year done here with consistency, sticking with it. I never disappeared for more than a week. I took only 1 full week off from exercising. Sure, I wasn't perfect, but I kept getting back up time and time again. I kept fighting. And there I was last night, walking that track, sure that every new little thing in there was staring at me thinking it was my NY resolution to finally lose weight and doing whatever pathetic thing she could, them all thinking that they'll outlast me at the gym...not knowing I'm a regular. And while I'm walking, pathetically, my body is feeling like it's day one too. And I hate that feeling. I've lived off the "It doesn't get easier, you just get better" motto for so long and now I'm faced with "and sometimes you get worse" crap.

So, yeah. Another stupid rant from me. Sorry about all these. I know how annoying it is to hear it, but it's more annoying to live it, trust me.

I followed my stellar day and pathetic performance at the gym with a tiny binge session last night of some of the sweets we have, and felt horrible for it. All before AND after I'd eaten the dinner I had prepared, telling myself not to eat out, to control my food, and I'm shoving down carmel corn and sugar cookies like they're going to run away or disappear. I even ate one of the buckeyes that I, surprisingly, no longer care for and a no-bake cookie that sucks. No, make that 2 of those crappy no-bakes. (I lost my recipe and the one I found online was NOT right.) *bangs head on desk again*

Today is another day. I'm going to attempt a better performance. I packed my gym clothes again. I plan on going out in a moment to take my first 5 minute walk. It may not do much in the way of losing weight, but at least it makes me feel like I'm trying.

Put the pulled pork in the crockpot before I left this AM, so dinner is taken care of...just need to make it through this day with only what I have on hand (cassoulet for lunch, a banana, and a granola thin) and then resist the temptations at home. Gotta break the cycle. Gotta stop eating my frustration. And, sorry, but I gotta keep venting here in order to have any hopes of doing that.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • LBSPOERL
    Ohhhhh, I get it, & I know that feeling of encountering them at the gym! It happens almost every time I go. And I am well aware that others probably think the same thing about me when I pass them by..... except I have a bunch of health issues so exercise isn't natural to me whatsoever. I have to start slow & easy. When they bother you, find something else to focus on to feed your frustration, such as staring at a wall (or something stationary) across from you, & focus on YOUR work-out. You'll get more intensity into it & be mindful of what you're doing, which is more work than them! Hang in there. They won't last long. :)
    3302 days ago
  • no profile photo CD7009225
    You keep coming here and venting! Especially now before all the newbies bring the Spark servers crashing down! Ha! I so feel the same things you do. I walked a week ago, 2 miles, 18 minute miles. Then I walked on Monday. 1.75 miles, and it was everything I could do to finish it. I swore I hurt more than I had when I started this process and could only do 0.6 miles! My legs hurt. I wanted to stop. And since I have been still working out I realized it was all that sugar I allowed myself to introduce into my system for the holidays. It is just sitting there in my body accumulating in my joints and muscles. So, it is time to cut out the crap (it was anyway, but this just reiterates it). Yesterday I walked again. 2.2 miles in 40 minutes. Better. The pains would start but I could fight through them. It's all progress. Let's keep fighting the great fight! And I loved what you said about docs! Yeah, we all know that EVERY problem we have is not probably related to the weight. I think I would have laughed out loud, not just inside!!
    3305 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8041482
    emoticon
    3305 days ago
  • TRACYZABELLE
    Can not keep kicking yourself-- binge over ... done... finished and now move on.. We all do things we are not proud of but owning up to it was great and as you look back you will see how bad it made you feel and hopefully it will stop you from doing it again.

    Happy slimmer new year!~
    3305 days ago
  • SKIRNIR
    I really do get the venting. Sometimes it is just necessary. Sometimes our bodies just betray us. I broke my toe last summer and had to struggle all summer with not being able to do what I could before. Even as I recovered, I still couldn't go the speeds and inclines I could on the treadmill. But hopefully you can see improvement, even if it is slow, of you working back up to your previous state. Hopefully each walk, each workout will get better and please, if it hurts, maybe you will need to stop, even if you "promised' yourself. You could make it worse if you push yourself too much.
    3305 days ago
  • _SASX_
    here for ya, babe. I know what it's like to be discouraged and wonder if its all worth it. Especially with back problems. My back stuff had nothing to do with my being fat. It was all genetics (thanks again, dad) but it doesn't help that doing high impact things can really screw it up. running? nope made it worse. most yoga? nada, arching back= weeks of agony, tyvm

    I'm glad that you're getting out there everyday, even 5 min here and there, What a great reminder to do your best every day. we all fall down, sometimes we fall down a lot , all damn day. the hardest part is to get back up and keep going, even knowing that you'll probably fall again. keep getting back up, keep walking, and don't worry, you'll have your gym back in a little bit. patience, grasshopper, you can still kick butt!
    3305 days ago
  • PAMAZON
    I hate that feeling where you think people think you're just starting your journey. I swear I'm making a Tshirt that says "I've been working on this ish for YEARS!" It seems like being thinner and more fit would make you less prone to getting hurt, but every time you feel that ouch, remember all that activity you've been doing! I mean not doing in the last couple weeks, but doing over the last year to contribute to your current pain. You could resolve (yeah, I said that dirty word) to stay balanced with cross-training and strength training to support your running career in 2012!

    I love my chiro, but I also have had amazing success getting to the root of some serious muscle imbalance and weakness with my physical therapist. I don't know if your insurance covers that, but if it does, find a good one and try it. They fix my broken down behind every single time I forget to strength train while running and get hurt.

    Good luck busting through the throngs of sparkly, shiny new resolution-ers!
    emoticon
    3305 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/29/2011 5:27:09 PM
  • CALLIKIA
    Third time's a charm?

    No. The pool is not an option.
    3305 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/29/2011 4:05:18 PM
  • MOMKAT4310
    Fear not, this is the place to vent. and venting is so important. When we just let go and say or write the things we are mulling over in our heads, we can clear the air in our brain, but we can also see issues, patterns, and from this, we can sometimes see directions and solutions we can work toward. You have done a great job, and I can commiserate, as I also deal with back issues, not from weight but from a wreck. Keep going to the gym. Around here it is the same, and then we have Mondays, when people come to work off the weekend. Don;t want to get started on that.
    3305 days ago
  • SEEHOLZ
    Maybe this will be annoyning to you- sorry if it is, but I still think the pool might be an awesome option for you?

    Anyways, I am sorry to hear you are still in pain- trust me, I actually understand a lot of what you are talking about- that horribly deflated feeling of - accept that horrible shape I am in vs how I used to be. It's okay to grieve- as long as you don't dwell, right?

    HUGE HUGS!!!

    P.S. If venting helps, vent!
    3305 days ago
  • LIMASTAR
    Hang in there!! Those newbies will be gone sooner than you think. Just think how much better off you are exercising.
    3306 days ago
  • SARAWALKS
    Go right ahead and vent, we don't mind! In fact we want to hear how it's going for you.
    And we're all doing the FACE PALM number these days so don't feel alone.
    Maybe we should choreograph a routine...
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3306 days ago
  • TARANITUP
    That does stink about the gym and the people who only come at the beginning of the year, but stick it out... as you know they wont be around long
    3306 days ago
  • KKINNEA
    Indeed, vent away as needed! I hate when I end up eating junk food and it isn't even quality junk food - argh!

    Sucks about the pre-jumpers - bad enough they show up at new year's but to sneak in ahead and take up all the space is annoying. I hear you on the miserable track - I would prefer the treadmill in that case too.

    It is amazing the number of things supposedly intelligent people will blame on being overweight instead of actually evaluating the problem. I think that's why my mOm always asked her doctors if they got their licenses from Cracker Jack boxes :)
    3306 days ago
  • TIFFANIE150
    I just got done venting on my blog, too. It helps, I think, to see how you truly feel about things. I like that you said you keep getting up and trying again.
    3306 days ago
  • HEALTH-E-CLARE
    Vent it out girl. If it makes you feel better I made two individual potato casseroles (I didn't have a dish that fit two) and thought I might have someone over for dinner, but since they didn't happen, I ate them both over the course of the last two days. All while I was going to start eating clean and cut back on some of the carbs/starch that I love.

    FACE PALM.

    It happens.

    Today is a new day.

    Your 5 minute walk sounds like the perfect break for you. You will prevail over this injury. I just know it.
    3306 days ago
  • HOLISTICJESSICA
    emoticon You can do this! Life throws it's curve balls and as long as we keep trudging a long, every thing we dream will come true! emoticon
    3306 days ago
  • ERIN1128
    Hang in there, you can do this! I think squeezing in little walks is a great idea - all those minutes do add up. You're at a tough place right now, but you are strong and you'll get through it, I promise!
    3306 days ago
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