Yesterday Went Great Until...

*sigh*

I did so well yesterday. Woke up in the AM. Had 1/2 a bagel with my homemade peanut butter (which, compared to the other stuff is not only better for me but less calories). I drank my coffee. I was feeling good.

On my first 15 at work, I stood around outside reading for a while before I thought to myself, "I could be walking." So I walked back and forth twice outside in front of my building. It wasn't much, but it felt good to move.

On my lunch break, I did 4 back and forths (or maybe 5?) after eating my 1/2 turkey sandwich (seriously, this thing was big enough to count as a full sandwich) from Hubs. Again, it felt good to move. My back didn't hurt too much, though I was starting to feel it on the last little back/forth.

I repeated the first 2 on my last break. I stayed away from candy all day. I chewed gum. I ate a protein bar for one snack. I felt more in control than I have in a while.

And then I went to the gym...and everything fell apart. First I got annoyed by the pre-jumpers. If you aren't a regular gym-goer you might not understand but all the gyms start to pack in the numbers around New Years as people make those blasted resolutions. It's a tough first couple months for us regular gym-goers because we're just waiting for the fall out so we can get back to our routine, which, believe it or not, does not involve waiting for you to finish your 1 of 4 total workouts for the year on the machine we almost always use on this day at this time. *sigh* I know it will be worse in the next couple weeks, but I always start to notice a little pre-NYE push from those people who don't want to be seen as jumping on the NYE Resolutions bandwagon (but really are). To make it even better (*dripping with sarcasm*) right now they're bouncy chicks at the ripe old age of like 12 (okay, maybe they're 17) in their teeny-tiny shorts and sparkly tanks in full makeup and hair done. *rolls eyes* I'm sorry, but I could never consider the gym the place to meet someone. I know people do but...ugh. I'm there with my battle face on, my headphones in, ready to put my entire attention and effort into my time there and make it count. I'm not flitting around all half-hazard on the treadmill, making sure my boobs look good as I blast through 10 seconds at 6.5 speed, just so the dudes (who, btw, are NOT paying attention) know I can go fast and look hot doing it.

So, yeah, there was a little annoyance at the lack of treadmill space, but I just went with it and figured I'd pound it out on the (stupid) track upstairs. (For the record, we don't have one of those fancy tracks. This thing is tiny...someone once told me it takes 17 laps to equal a mile...which means you're going around and around so much I almost get dizzy. Plus...it isn't level. There are bumps here and there. That track kinda annoys me...probably mostly because, if I'm not going to be on a treadmill, then I want to be outside on the pavement. Sometimes I *hate* that I have to check in at the gym to stay in my insurance program.)

But the real kicker was that, while I was only scheduled to WALK at a somewhat brisk pace (and, in my defense, I was going kinda fast - around a 15-16 min/mi pace...fading the whole time, though) for 20 minutes...and I nearly died. After 5 minutes I was feeling it, but I knew that was from the "resting" (or "slacking off"...however you want to look at it) I did the past couple weeks. After 10 minutes, I was just reminding myself that I was halfway there, but could tell I was slowing down no matter how hard I tried to keep up my pace (all the while cursing because I really, really, really wanted to run). By 15 minutes though, the pain in my back was causing significant problems. I wanted to stop, but I had promised myself 20 minutes, so I limped my way through the last 5 minutes and felt dejected and stupid that I had just completed a whole 1.22 miles in about 21 minutes. *rolls eyes*

I know you all are going to hurrah me for getting out there, but I'm so friggin' frustrated still. Just a month or so ago I was running 5 miles. Now I want to die after WALKING ONE MILE?! *bangs head on desk repeatedly*

What's worse...I'm having that nagging, "What's the friggin' point?" ghost haunting me. I asked the Chiro this. I explained that I'm frustrated because I've worked SO hard to lose over 100 pounds and now I'm less mobile than when I was 100 pounds heavier. And then he said what I figured a doctor would one day... "Well, sometimes it's not because of your weight. After losing over 100 pounds, I doubt this issue was caused or is affected by your weight." And while part of me doesn't believe him, part of me was laughing hysterically. Remember all those doctors, year after year, problem after problem who attributed every damn thing I had to my weight? *snort* I kept screaming inside, "Surely every single problem I ever have cannot be because of my weight!" I knew it was mostly a cop-out. And now, straight from the horse's mouth, there it is. "This probably wasn't because of your weight."

I get it, I do. Go with the most obvious solution first. Girl is fat - girl has back problems = girl's back problems could most likely be caused by her being fat. Yea, apparently not.

Still, as funny as that is to me, it's still frustrating to feel like I'm back at square one. Over a year done here with consistency, sticking with it. I never disappeared for more than a week. I took only 1 full week off from exercising. Sure, I wasn't perfect, but I kept getting back up time and time again. I kept fighting. And there I was last night, walking that track, sure that every new little thing in there was staring at me thinking it was my NY resolution to finally lose weight and doing whatever pathetic thing she could, them all thinking that they'll outlast me at the gym...not knowing I'm a regular. And while I'm walking, pathetically, my body is feeling like it's day one too. And I hate that feeling. I've lived off the "It doesn't get easier, you just get better" motto for so long and now I'm faced with "and sometimes you get worse" crap.

So, yeah. Another stupid rant from me. Sorry about all these. I know how annoying it is to hear it, but it's more annoying to live it, trust me.

I followed my stellar day and pathetic performance at the gym with a tiny binge session last night of some of the sweets we have, and felt horrible for it. All before AND after I'd eaten the dinner I had prepared, telling myself not to eat out, to control my food, and I'm shoving down carmel corn and sugar cookies like they're going to run away or disappear. I even ate one of the buckeyes that I, surprisingly, no longer care for and a no-bake cookie that sucks. No, make that 2 of those crappy no-bakes. (I lost my recipe and the one I found online was NOT right.) *bangs head on desk again*

Today is another day. I'm going to attempt a better performance. I packed my gym clothes again. I plan on going out in a moment to take my first 5 minute walk. It may not do much in the way of losing weight, but at least it makes me feel like I'm trying.

Put the pulled pork in the crockpot before I left this AM, so dinner is taken care of...just need to make it through this day with only what I have on hand (cassoulet for lunch, a banana, and a granola thin) and then resist the temptations at home. Gotta break the cycle. Gotta stop eating my frustration. And, sorry, but I gotta keep venting here in order to have any hopes of doing that.