Wednesday, October 26, 2011
I've been wanting to do this for some time now; just haven't really felt like I could do it justice - but my friend Bonolicious posted a blog about losing her uncle and that prompted me to get these thoughts down & out.
My parents are the greatest people: generous, dynamic, full of joy and light. They have had the philosophy over the years of 'enjoy life now, because you never know what might happen later'. And I'm glad that they have lived their lives in their own way, fun-loving and always doing their level best to try everything together, and often with friends.
The problem I have is dealing with the pain of their unhealthy food choices, not exercising, and now being too ill to enjoy their lives the way they did for years. I know it's selfish of me to want them to be around forever; I know it's unfair to think that they should have seen the light and changed their lifestyles any faster than me - or at all. Who says that what I'm doing is any better or more right than what they're doing? We have access to so much more nutrition and health information now than they did, years ago - I certainly don't have any answers there.
We can't live for others, and we can't change them either.
What I know is that seeing them both deteriorate in the past few years has lighted a fire in me: I don't want this future for myself, and even more I DON'T want my daughter and husband to wonder if I could have stayed with them longer if I had made better choices.
It's possible that I will try my hardest to get fit, strong, and healthy and then find out I have cancer or get hit by a truck, or any other horrible outcome - but I have to try. And I have to deal with these emotions about letting my parents be who they are, respecting their choices, and letting them go. I think the bottom line is that fear of letting them go.
Every thing they gave me, a legacy of hope, joy, and strength will always be in me, from them. If they had it to do over again, would they do it the same?