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I Have So Much Work to Do...

Saturday, September 24, 2011

So here I sit at 5:30 on Saturday morning, up early because my son has a 7 am hockey game.. I'm thinking about all the things that I can see in my house just as I sit here typing that need to be done, and how long it's been since I've given my house a really, really good cleaning, never mind all the projects that are staring at me (going through drawers for the change of season, weeding out clothes that don't fit or are ready to be weeded out because they are more than "gently" worn, cleaning out the pile of crap that has taken over the corner between the end of my dining room hutch and the wall and now spilled out along the next wall..just because it's a corner, it's not like you don't see it. The books I want to read, the projects I want to start. Making that Christmas list early to see if I can get that going early. The jean pants I bought for my son that need to be returned and have been sitting on my dining room table for weeks. The bins of beach bedding and towels that are still piled high in our spare bedroom that need to be taken up to the attic. The summer decor in my family room hutch that needs to be disassembled and the fall decor waiting to be brought out.

Oh, and the eating that needs to be reigned in, and the exercise, that, although I am getting to a lot, I am not getting to enough. The lifestyle changes I need to make to lose weight, to try to control my blood pressure, to get things back under control.

I think about a conversation I had many, many years ago with a therapist, where I said I couldn't stop myself from eating, and he said then you really don't want to, because if you really wanted to you would. Me being able to (then and now) intellectually grasp what he meant, but not own it.

I have, for the most part, been on Spark every day for thelast 8 months, except for the 2 weeks we spent at the beach last month. And yet, I have never felt farther from being on track on my journey to health.


But in the vein of recognizing the problem is the first step towards solving it, I have had this crystallizing moment this morning. I've GOT to get my house in order. The fact that my house, literally, is not in order, is what is holding me back. You know how sometimes you have so much to do that the only thing you can do is nothing?? That you feel paralyzed, that you are driven to inaction thinking that there's just not enough time, so why start?? That's where I'm at right now... And I've run this battle long enough to know that there is only way to fight it: one baby step at a time.

Yes, what do you know, Tina is talking about baby steps. That's because that's the only way to do it. And that is my public pledge..get my literal house in order so that I can get my figurative house in order. I don't have a plan yet, but I've decided I'm not even going to try to make a plan, because that seems too overwhelming. I just need to do one thing at a time as it presents itself to me.

And to all my Spark friends that I have not been there for for oh these many months, I am sorry! I know I have not answered page posts, emails, feed comments, team posts.. Not because I don't care, not because I'm not here. I do care, I am here. And I will try to do better. But first, I must start with my own house..

and off I go...
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Wow, T, did you strike a chord!
    I like you, Ramona, and Janet drew my line in the sand when school started. I determined to find time to exercise... so "some" success. And eat better. To that end I made a decree... love being in charge so I can do that... that I was sick of driving home from work and being asked "what's for dinner, by phone" and A) not knowing and B) being resentful that the house was full of people at that very moment, who were more than capable of making dinner yet it was always my job.

    So, with that being part of my dread of the end of summer, my decree was that everyone in the house was responsible for picking, writing the shopping list, and preparing one dinner a week. Menus to be filed by Saturday and shopping completed by me or Tim on Sat. or Sunday. Abby Added the suggestion that whomever cooks should clean up, then we all only have to "work dinner" one night a week. (There is always at least 2 nights a week that we are "obligated" elsewhere... filling up the week.

    Addendums included pizza only once a week, and each family member can only choose it once a month. That has helped my outlook tremendously. First time in my 17+ year marriage that we have done menu planning. Go figure...

    The cleaning.... Tim is on fire for that, I support him whole heartedly... i am working on getting my a$$ in gear and exercising.

    Love you so much..
    3322 days ago
    Oh, no Ramona! That's my house she's talking about! LOL I did get the living room dust bunnies sucked up and cleaned the bathrooms today, but my list of "untouched house" stretches long like yours. I could have said all the same words about everything today. We're going to get this all reigned in and figured out Tina! We are!
    3324 days ago
    Dearest Tina, that isn't your house you're staring at... it's my house... and every room looks like your 'corner'... and even worse... we are truly living in CHAOS.

    "You know how sometimes you have so much to do that the only thing you can do is nothing?? That you feel paralyzed, that you are driven to inaction thinking that there's just not enough time, so why start??"

    I KNOW IT, in spades... you've described every day of my last 18 months!!!

    Like you, I drew a line in the sand at the beginning of September. Also like you, there was no plan, I just started requiring a little more of myself one task at a time (it's been a shock to my system to realize that, if indulged for too long, a sense of helplessness can become a habit all too quickly). I'm getting to the point where it's now possible to now make a plan... I'm mananging to do more each day than just what needs to be done NOW.

    It's been a month and I'm going into every weekend with the laudry all done and put away. I've cooked every night... no eating out, and plenty of food for lunches for everyone. We've attended to every commitment on our calendar (something every night, and done one 'all but forgotten' chore each day, and even added in some new activities... all things we have not managed to do for 18 months.

    ...and yet the house still looks like nothing has been accomplished (that's how bad it's become). I still freak out, and feel the 'helplessness spiral' suck at my knees if think too much about all that needs to be done, but I'm resisting the pull. As usual, you are the voice of reason in my wilderness, and I feel less alone. The funny thing is that as I'm 'accomplishing' I keep coming up with these realizations and think, "Oh! I should blog about this!" ...but I'm scared to interupt my momentum... I'm not sure I can balance that in just yet. So, I completely understand your distance. I think that this is how it has to be sometime.... yet in a strange way, I feel myself 'here' more than ever... Spark is more visible in my life that it has been for some time. Funny, isn't it?

    We can do this, my friend! My prayers and thoughts are ever with you... no apologies necessary! I'm hoping by January, I'll have added my presence here and everywhere else back into the mix!

    With all my heart, I pray that your every day be all you need it to be. May an all abiding peace fill your thoughts, rule in your dreams each night, and conquer all your fears. May God manifest himself in ways you have never before experienced. May your joys be fulfilled, your dreams be closer, and your cares be lifted. I pray that faith enters a new height in you, that your territory be enlarged, and that fulfillment is just one step closer.

    MAY GOD ABUNDANTLY BLESS YOU, and those you love, in every way that you require. May he hold you gently in the palm of his hand in a very personal way, and may you rest in the fullness of his love, his grace, his strength, his wisdom, his rescue, his redemption, his healing, his inspiration, his restoration and his mercy as you require it! May you carry in your heart always an extra special awareness of God's great love for you, may you feel his sweet and gentle touch upon your life, and may you see his miracles all around you. I pray in the name of Jesus Christ, our Lord. Amen!

    3324 days ago
    Tina, I know exactly how you feel. When my house is in chaos, it makes me feel edgy and grumpy. You will get there. Good luck!
    3324 days ago
    Oh...I know so how you feel - it gets so overwhelming - sounds like we both need to take a deep breath and dive in. Good Luck!
    3324 days ago
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