Dealing with rejection.
Monday, September 05, 2011
I lied about my second blog entry being about my weight loss effort. Maybe the third time will be the charm.
I went on a date last night. We went to see some live blues music at a festival in St. Louis. The date itself was fun (at least to me), but I could tell very early on that the girl I was with really wasn't into me. No eye contact and closed off kind of body language.
I know you're probably thinking, so what?
Well, I exchanged a few texts with her earlier today. I found that one of the reasons she isn't into me is because she isn't physically attracted to me.
Actually, maybe this blog post will be somewhat about weight loss.
When I hear something like that, the first thing I think about is my weight. I become extremely guilty feeling. Had I started on this journey even just a year ago, maybe last night would have gone differently. I can't blame someone for what they are or aren't attracted to. I can only blame myself for not facing up to the problem for so long.
What makes this more frustrating is that, I'm actually working on it now. I've lost about 10 pounds so far. I'm just not fully there yet. I will be eventually, in some months.
I've been feeling so good about myself the past few weeks. I really have been. And then last night and today put me back in my place.
But it's just one date right? It's not like any date-gone-wrong would depress me like this, it's the fact that last night was a perfect symbol of how lonely I am, and how I somewhat relate it to the fact that I'm overweight.
What if she wasn't even referring to my weight? I wouldn't know. My weight is my biggest insecurity. It is one of the only major things I really dislike about myself. I'm not full of myself by any stretch, but I also do not have low self-esteem. I don't think I'm actually flat-out ugly, I don't think I'm boring, I can make people laugh, I'm not a jerk, I'm not angry, I'm not controlling, I'm accepting, I like to listen and talk, I like to genuinely connect, I'm a romantic, I am in it for the real deal - but I'm overweight.
It feels pointless to continue to attempt dating for now, until I'm more physically transformed. I hate to look at it that way, but it feels so true, and I'm currently unable to see it any other way. It takes an extraordinary amount of time and effort for me to get a date, and I feel I'm squandering it all on this inferior version of me.
I know that isn't a healthy mindset, but I feel defeated and lacking in confidence today.
I'm done venting.