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What I miss from 140lbs ago

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Friday, July 08, 2011

I opened my eyes thinking about this subject this morning. You know those few moments where you aren't quite awake but not still sleeping, and the house is blissfully quiet, and your mind wanders? Well, my mind wandered to thoughts of twinkies and cheesecakes. Potato chips and margaritas. Then I started thinking of all the things I miss and I realized, there is A LOT. And this is probably going to be a blog that is totally counter-productive to everything we are supposed to have learned but if there is one thing that I have learned on this journey, it's that there is no right or wrong to feelings and these are my feelings.

Sometimes, I miss being the fat girl.

Here's some of the things I miss the most:

1. Food. Sitting down at the table among dishes of yummy goodness and just being able to eat and eat and eat. That feeling of being full and needing a nap after dinner.

2. Ordering what I want off a menu. Not having to consider every single nutritional element before I put the fork to my mouth. Usually a trip to a restaurant involves date night or friends and is supposed to include laughter but I am too busy worrying whether my meal is going to throw me into sodium oblivion to notice anymore. I miss just sharing food with friends along with a few chuckles.

3. People loving me for my personality and me knowing that they love me for my personality. Here's the thing I found when I was overweight. People don't want to socialize, hang out, and talk with you as much. It's like they are afraid of catching the fat. Those friends that did stick with me were friends who truly loved me. Now here's the thing I find now as a skinny girl. People approach me all the time. It's like my new self confidence is a magnet. I miss knowing that the people hanging with me were doing so because of who I am and not what I look like.

4. Being a wallflower. Yep, I miss it, There is something to be said for standing at the back watching everyone else do their thing. You learn to pay attention. You learn to read body language really well because you spend all your time staring at other people's bodies.

5. Parking my butt on the couch with a book, a movie, a pint of Ben n Jerry's and just immersing myself in some mindless drudgery. We learn on this journey that we need to be mindful. Sometimes I miss being mindless because sometimes I just need to shut it all off and just "be".

6. Comfort. I have to be honest and say that to me.....FOOD=COMFORT and nothing short of a lobotomy, is going to change that. Walking into a home that smells like gingerbread cooking, brings me comfort and peace and happiness. The smell of lettuce just doesn't bring on the same feelings, ya know?

7. I miss the choices and the indulgence. Not caring where my next meal came from as long as it came.

8. I miss movie theater popcorn and chocolate. Licking the bowl after making a cake...

9. I miss my boobs....LOL

10. Freedom. Not having to have everything scheduled so that I can squeeze in exercise, and 6 tiny meals a day. Not having to write down everything I eat. There is something free-ing, to me, about going to a buffet and not having to stick to the salad side.

No one ever tells you that there is going to be things you are going to mourn about your fat self. I spent years and years thinking...."Life would be perfect if only I was skinny" or "I'd be happy if I were thin!"

WRONG, WRONG, and some more....WRONG.

Being skinny doesn't make you happy. It doesn't magically make you feel beautiful or sexy. It doesn't suddenly make you feel less awkward in social situations or not trip over your tongue when you talk to boys. Being skinny isn't better. It's just different.

There are definitely things that I DON'T miss about being fat and in all fairness, I am going to list them too.

1. People staring and me *knowing* they are staring because I am fat. In reality, they could be staring because they are thinking, "Man, I love that girl's shoes!" or "That chick needs to do up her fly!" but to me, it was always because they were thinking, "That girl really needs to drop some serious poundage!"

2. Hearing...."You have such a pretty face if only......" followed by some comment about my weight. The rudest, most backhanded comment ever. Seriously, why do people use that line? Like somehow being fat, makes us not have feelings.

3. My thighs chafing. I will never, ever miss that.

4. Being a wallflower. This one, made both my lists. I remember standing in the back and always wishing. Wishing I had the confidence to dance, laugh, talk like everyone else.

5. Having to tie my shirts to the hangers because they were too big to stay on.

6. My muffin top(however, I do miss muffins!).

7. Dreaming about the day I was skinny. All those hours wasted, lost in thought, wondering what I would look like, be like, if only I wasn't morbidly obese.

8. Buying whatever off the rack just because it was the only thing that fit me. As long as it fit, I didn't care what it looked like.

9. Feeling like I was wasting precious time not being who I was meant to be.

10. Letting someone else's words(fatso, pig, whale, whatever....) define me. Like just because I was bigger, someone else somehow had the right to call me names. Fat really is the last acceptable prejudice.

What's the point of this blog, you ask?

I don't know. Not really.

I have come to some realizations lately though.

Who I am now is who I was before and who I was then, is who I still am. I find myself sometimes thinking of my former self as a separate person and the "new" me as a better person and that's not the truth. Sure, I am more toned, smaller, more confident but there are lots of really good things I learned from being fat. I learned to be a good friend because people somehow felt that being the big girl meant I was a good listener. I learned not to judge others so quickly because I was constantly judged. I learned to look at people for WHO they are and not what they looked like.

I sometimes read blogs where people say...."I don't even remember who I was when I was that girl(referring to their former, larger selves)." Like that's a good thing. Like that person didn't matter. It isn't and she did. She mattered then and she matters now. Who she was is who you still are.

Being skinny doesn't make you a different or a better person because grass isn't greener on the other side. Both sides still take sh!t to grow. I don't ever want to forget where I came from or that I wasn't less because I was bigger. I am more because I walked that journey.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Great Blog. For me, no matter what size I am, I am still me and constantly evolving to be the person I am now, in the moment. My past experiences have shaped me and my goals and dreams help guide me to continue to evolve. There are some behaviors I lapse back into which are not in my best interest for maintaining a healthier lifestyle, so every now and then, some of the things I miss, i.e. not measuring, eating what I want without thinking about how many calories I have remaining in the day still happen, but with much less frequency and intensity (usually). There are definitely some things I miss, but the feelings of self- confidence in how I feel better in my skin, healthier and some of the physical accomplishments I have been able to do because of my improved health out weigh feelings of loss of my former size.
    2363 days ago
    Great blog.... Whatever size person you are I think you would be a fun person to be friends with.. You are so right on so much you wrote about.. Keep up the good work work and being an inspiration to others.
    3222 days ago
    Reference to this from another blog led me to this insightful post. Thank you so much.
    I have lost "only" 70+ pounds, and find that I now CONSTANTLY stay on my student groups to be mindful of negative bias against overweight patients/ clients/ colleagues!! Guess they THOUGHT those things, just didn't SAY them out loud when I was "one of the heavy ones" .... BUT, as you point out.... I KNOW that I am STILL one of the heavy ones, operating only under the Lord's grace to be healthier and learning to constantly be more diligent. [Okay, USUALLY more diligent, but certainly NOT perfectly or constantly!!] To be grateful for the positive changes and the "return" of my more familiar reasonably trimmer body -- though that body had CERTAINLY AGED and most parts have DROOPED a LOT while in storage under extra adipose layers -- while aware that for years I was either unwilling or unable (or both) to accomplish what has been accomplished in 2011.
    I too become frustrated sometimes especially about eating out: Where do you want to go for Valentine's Day dinner? my husband asked. Well, WHERE is it possible to go and ENJOY a meal without worrying about the food sources/ toxins/ additives/ etc. AND the caloric impact that might undo two weeks of concentrated effort?? And yes, that can take the edge off the fun... and CERTAINLY ruins the spontaneity of "Oh, let's try this place."
    Again, well said!
    -- Thank you --
    Maryjean Gregory
    3264 days ago
    WOW!!!! Thank you!
    3288 days ago
    Thanks for the sincerity of your blog. This is what I really needed to hear today. I am so glad I stumbled on your page.

    I am tired of people who don't understand how complex and integrated weight becomes in your life when you are overweight.

    I have always felt that I use weight as a way to create distance between myself and others. As much as I want to lose that weight, it is scary to let part of yourself disappear (literally and figuratively!). Most people don't seem to understand why.

    3365 days ago
    This is a wonderful blog, thanks!
    3396 days ago
  • no profile photo CD7636377
    Wow! You are truly amazing! So glad I came across your page. LOVE your tats! Beautiful!
    3411 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6266064
    Great blog, thank you.
    3442 days ago
    What a thoughtful and beautiful blog.

    I am sure that no matter what your weight...You are STILL a beautiful person.

    I am glad to be your friend.

    3442 days ago
    I definitely miss stuffing myself at the buffet. On the other hand I love how strong my body is now.
    3443 days ago
    Super blog. Congrats on all your success, so inspiring. emoticon
    3443 days ago
    I actually was thinking about this the other day. I was thinking that I miss when I could emotional binge without a care and now I know exactly what I am doing. It sure isn't as satisfying!
    3443 days ago
  • FLGIRL1234
    Fantastic blog on every count. You didn't say what people wanted to hear, you wrote what was real to YOU. I love it!
    3443 days ago
    This is the most amazing thing I've read in a long time. Your honesty is inspiring and touching. Thank you for sharing!
    3443 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8967340
    Beautiful blog. Sincerely. Thank you so much for sharing it.
    3443 days ago
  • DEE0973
    What an awesome blog. You are so right its not a matter of being better but being healthy and loving ourselves enough to take care of us. Be Blessed and thank you for this wonderful blog
    3443 days ago
    Wow! That was simply fantastic! I appreciate the rawness and the honesty. You are truly inspiring :)

    3443 days ago
    LOVE your blog :) definitely relate to everything on both lists thanks for sharing
    3473 days ago
    Fantastic blog! I think it's important to remember where we came from... and I can COMPLETELY identify with each point (on both lists, I might add)!
    3473 days ago
    I totally get missing your larger self! The carefree mindset regarding food is something I'll never have again, I'll always be counting in my head. But that girl cried a lot, and self hatred and thoughts screamed in her head. I don't miss that.
    Thank you for this blog.
    3475 days ago
    Very good insights. Sounds like you are really coming to terms...both before and after your weight loss. Awesome! Thanks for sharing! Spark on! emoticon
    3477 days ago
  • no profile photo CD9338343
    Such a great blog! And so true! I'm at the halfway point between my highest weight and my goal so I'm relating to both lists. Thank you for posting!

    3477 days ago
    This was a very well written post :)
    3478 days ago
    As a guy, I can say after losing a lot of weight, I DON'T miss MY boobs. emoticon
    3478 days ago
    Very well written. . .you make perfect sense! Thanks for sharing. emoticon
    3478 days ago
    Wonderful blog. I can see myself in every word but I still have a long ways to go. I have only lost 44 lbs, Still have about 150 more to lose. Seem to have stayed at 44 lbs. for several weeks now. My problem is I don't really feel fat. I guess if I did maybe it would be easier. I love your story and will read it over and over because it sounds like me. Thanks for sharing with us.
    3478 days ago
    I know exactly how you feel and what you went thru thank you so much for sharing. I will visit this post again, i get such a sense of calm when reading it knowing that i'm not alone... Since Dec. 2009, I have lost 127lbs... and yes the boobs were the first to go... my husband misses them, i don't emoticon It has been a long road, but i'm loving every minute of it.. the ups and downs they make you a stronger person. emoticon
    3478 days ago
    Fantastic post... and so, so true!!! Congratulations on your success, and keeping it all in perspective!!
    3478 days ago
    3478 days ago
    Excellently written emoticon
    3478 days ago
    I appreciate how you recognize you have always been the same wonderful person that you are today - good luck with the rest of your journey.
    3478 days ago
    Thank you so much for this post. It brought tears to my eyes. I can relate to every single word. Thank you for putting my exact thoughts into words. I know now I'm not alone.
    3479 days ago
  • EMAC79
    Beautifully written and well said.
    3479 days ago
  • HROSE1
    Awesome post!! Thanks so much for sharing. I've made the opposite transition. I was always the skinny girl. Now I'm suddenly fat. I've had very similar realizations and feelings as you, though.
    3479 days ago
    Good post,& the honesty means a lot, as I continue my weight loss journey. This is tough, but gotta keep going!!!

    Congrats on your weight loss journey!!

    3479 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8092638
    Ah yes, the boobs. I was lucky because I lost my weight in my teens and I wasn't quite done growing. At 21, I had a growth spurt and went up a whole cup size. I was PUMPED. But yeah, no one ever bothers to mention that's the first place you lose it...
    3479 days ago
    Thanks for this wonderful post!
    3479 days ago
    3479 days ago
    Great post - thanks for sharing. I too, think it is good to remember where we started from and who we were. I believe that I am not creating a new person, just uncovering the real me beneath the layers.
    3479 days ago
    wow, amazingly truthful and honest! Thanks so much for sharing. I think we all no matter our age, size or creed need to know and remember who we are, where we came from and what we believe in order to successfully move forward.
    3479 days ago
  • no profile photo MITCHARVEY
    Such a great blog! Thanks for reminding me that I am not the only one that wakes up thinking of yummy food that I can't eat:)
    3479 days ago
    wow - i find this extremely validating. i've lost 90 pounds and likely have another 150+ to go and already i can relate to much of what you wrote here. thank you so very much for this post!
    3479 days ago
    Great post!! It never that there would be things I would miss if I lost a lot of weight... but they all make sense! I guess the grass always looks greener on the other side.

    That's ok because I believe my health will be better if I am thinner and in better shape... and that's my main motivator!
    3479 days ago
  • no profile photo WEDDLEACE
    GREAT post! Thanks so much for your honesty and courage in sharing. This is exactly what I needed to hear and you are so dead on! We are important and worth it, no matter our current shape or weight. Dismissing ourselves until we are at our ideal weight is dangerous and counter-productive. Thanks for giving us strength!
    3479 days ago
    3479 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    3479 days ago
    Awesome blog and definitely some good perspective, thanks for sharing chica.
    3479 days ago
    Sorry for the double post! It was just that good. emoticon
    3480 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/11/2011 11:58:11 PM
    Amazing. Thank you for sharing. emoticon
    3480 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/11/2011 11:56:42 PM
  • no profile photo CD7882902
    Great blog, I always enjoy reading your insights.
    3480 days ago
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