What I miss from 140lbs ago
Friday, July 08, 2011
I opened my eyes thinking about this subject this morning. You know those few moments where you aren't quite awake but not still sleeping, and the house is blissfully quiet, and your mind wanders? Well, my mind wandered to thoughts of twinkies and cheesecakes. Potato chips and margaritas. Then I started thinking of all the things I miss and I realized, there is A LOT. And this is probably going to be a blog that is totally counter-productive to everything we are supposed to have learned but if there is one thing that I have learned on this journey, it's that there is no right or wrong to feelings and these are my feelings.
Sometimes, I miss being the fat girl.
Here's some of the things I miss the most:
1. Food. Sitting down at the table among dishes of yummy goodness and just being able to eat and eat and eat. That feeling of being full and needing a nap after dinner.
2. Ordering what I want off a menu. Not having to consider every single nutritional element before I put the fork to my mouth. Usually a trip to a restaurant involves date night or friends and is supposed to include laughter but I am too busy worrying whether my meal is going to throw me into sodium oblivion to notice anymore. I miss just sharing food with friends along with a few chuckles.
3. People loving me for my personality and me knowing that they love me for my personality. Here's the thing I found when I was overweight. People don't want to socialize, hang out, and talk with you as much. It's like they are afraid of catching the fat. Those friends that did stick with me were friends who truly loved me. Now here's the thing I find now as a skinny girl. People approach me all the time. It's like my new self confidence is a magnet. I miss knowing that the people hanging with me were doing so because of who I am and not what I look like.
4. Being a wallflower. Yep, I miss it, There is something to be said for standing at the back watching everyone else do their thing. You learn to pay attention. You learn to read body language really well because you spend all your time staring at other people's bodies.
5. Parking my butt on the couch with a book, a movie, a pint of Ben n Jerry's and just immersing myself in some mindless drudgery. We learn on this journey that we need to be mindful. Sometimes I miss being mindless because sometimes I just need to shut it all off and just "be".
6. Comfort. I have to be honest and say that to me.....FOOD=COMFORT and nothing short of a lobotomy, is going to change that. Walking into a home that smells like gingerbread cooking, brings me comfort and peace and happiness. The smell of lettuce just doesn't bring on the same feelings, ya know?
7. I miss the choices and the indulgence. Not caring where my next meal came from as long as it came.
8. I miss movie theater popcorn and chocolate. Licking the bowl after making a cake...
9. I miss my boobs....LOL
10. Freedom. Not having to have everything scheduled so that I can squeeze in exercise, and 6 tiny meals a day. Not having to write down everything I eat. There is something free-ing, to me, about going to a buffet and not having to stick to the salad side.
No one ever tells you that there is going to be things you are going to mourn about your fat self. I spent years and years thinking...."Life would be perfect if only I was skinny" or "I'd be happy if I were thin!"
WRONG, WRONG, and some more....WRONG.
Being skinny doesn't make you happy. It doesn't magically make you feel beautiful or sexy. It doesn't suddenly make you feel less awkward in social situations or not trip over your tongue when you talk to boys. Being skinny isn't better. It's just different.
There are definitely things that I DON'T miss about being fat and in all fairness, I am going to list them too.
1. People staring and me *knowing* they are staring because I am fat. In reality, they could be staring because they are thinking, "Man, I love that girl's shoes!" or "That chick needs to do up her fly!" but to me, it was always because they were thinking, "That girl really needs to drop some serious poundage!"
2. Hearing...."You have such a pretty face if only......" followed by some comment about my weight. The rudest, most backhanded comment ever. Seriously, why do people use that line? Like somehow being fat, makes us not have feelings.
3. My thighs chafing. I will never, ever miss that.
4. Being a wallflower. This one, made both my lists. I remember standing in the back and always wishing. Wishing I had the confidence to dance, laugh, talk like everyone else.
5. Having to tie my shirts to the hangers because they were too big to stay on.
6. My muffin top(however, I do miss muffins!).
7. Dreaming about the day I was skinny. All those hours wasted, lost in thought, wondering what I would look like, be like, if only I wasn't morbidly obese.
8. Buying whatever off the rack just because it was the only thing that fit me. As long as it fit, I didn't care what it looked like.
9. Feeling like I was wasting precious time not being who I was meant to be.
10. Letting someone else's words(fatso, pig, whale, whatever....) define me. Like just because I was bigger, someone else somehow had the right to call me names. Fat really is the last acceptable prejudice.
What's the point of this blog, you ask?
I don't know. Not really.
I have come to some realizations lately though.
Who I am now is who I was before and who I was then, is who I still am. I find myself sometimes thinking of my former self as a separate person and the "new" me as a better person and that's not the truth. Sure, I am more toned, smaller, more confident but there are lots of really good things I learned from being fat. I learned to be a good friend because people somehow felt that being the big girl meant I was a good listener. I learned not to judge others so quickly because I was constantly judged. I learned to look at people for WHO they are and not what they looked like.
I sometimes read blogs where people say...."I don't even remember who I was when I was that girl(referring to their former, larger selves)." Like that's a good thing. Like that person didn't matter. It isn't and she did. She mattered then and she matters now. Who she was is who you still are.
Being skinny doesn't make you a different or a better person because grass isn't greener on the other side. Both sides still take sh!t to grow. I don't ever want to forget where I came from or that I wasn't less because I was bigger. I am more because I walked that journey.