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Starting Over Again/Revelation

Friday, July 08, 2011

It has been 5 months since my last blog post. (I feel like a catholic @ confession, haha) Bad news is I had got back up to 260, good news is I am back to 256.6.

I started keeping a food diary last week, and did great - that's how I lost my 3.4 pounds without any exercise. Then on the weekend I didn't stick to it and almost gave up. That's the part that frustrates me the most: that I can see results after doing well and still feel discouraged. Why do things have to be so complicated? Anyway, after feeling depressed for seemingly no reason I realized why I always end up failing whether after a week, a month, or half a year of success. I am simultaneously afraid of success and failure. I have ingrained the thought that I will always be fat so deeply that every time I achieve success I subconsciously go "what's the point, I will fail some point down the line" and give up on myself. It's so sad and frustrating.

I also am slightly terrified of losing all the weight and finally being "skinny". I've always been the big girl; I know how to play her. But a healthy happy and athletic girl? No idea! It's almost like the fat that I hate so much helps me feel safe at the same time.

AHHHH like I said, complicated. But I'm taking it slow. And yes, I am still trying. I really want this, more than anything right now. So I'm gonna keep recording my calories, and hopefully find the motivation to start exercising again.

I'll pretend I've been cast in the role of "skinny girl" and practice some method acting, haha.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • BLAHNIK27
    Reading this blog is like you're reading my mind. I feel the same way- I have no idea how to be the skinny version of me- and it scares the hel l out of me... so much that i sabotage any further loss.
    Until now- now i am determined to get to know this new girl- she is pretty great too. Hope you will do the same!

    Kristy

    3241 days ago
  • ALOHAEV1
    Great post!!! Here's to the lead part in The Skinny Girl and giving the slightly terrified girl a very minor role.
    3317 days ago
  • 4CYNDI
    Sounds like a great plan to me... practicing the "skinny girl" part. After all, practice makes perfect.
    3317 days ago
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