Starting Over Again/Revelation
Friday, July 08, 2011
It has been 5 months since my last blog post. (I feel like a catholic @ confession, haha) Bad news is I had got back up to 260, good news is I am back to 256.6.
I started keeping a food diary last week, and did great - that's how I lost my 3.4 pounds without any exercise. Then on the weekend I didn't stick to it and almost gave up. That's the part that frustrates me the most: that I can see results after doing well and still feel discouraged. Why do things have to be so complicated? Anyway, after feeling depressed for seemingly no reason I realized why I always end up failing whether after a week, a month, or half a year of success. I am simultaneously afraid of success and failure. I have ingrained the thought that I will always be fat so deeply that every time I achieve success I subconsciously go "what's the point, I will fail some point down the line" and give up on myself. It's so sad and frustrating.
I also am slightly terrified of losing all the weight and finally being "skinny". I've always been the big girl; I know how to play her. But a healthy happy and athletic girl? No idea! It's almost like the fat that I hate so much helps me feel safe at the same time.
AHHHH like I said, complicated. But I'm taking it slow. And yes, I am still trying. I really want this, more than anything right now. So I'm gonna keep recording my calories, and hopefully find the motivation to start exercising again.
I'll pretend I've been cast in the role of "skinny girl" and practice some method acting, haha.