I don't know how to do this. [a plea for help?]
Thursday, July 07, 2011
I really don't.
I've set long term goals, I've set short term goals. I've set medium term goals. I've walked. I've run. I've danced. I've wii fited. I've bike ridden. I've done 1200 calories per spark people. I've done weight watchers. I've done south beach. I've tried to scare myself into health. I've tried to talk to myself nicely. I've tried to pretend it was life or death. I've realistically thought of it as life or death. I've lost weight. I've gained more weight. I've cried. I've smiled. I've broken down in the food aisles. I've avoided friends. I've surrounded myself with friends. I've drank all my water. I've tracked every bite. I've done biggest loser. I've blogged. I've been diligent. I've been not so diligent. I've been called fat by peers. I've been called fat by family. I've wished I were thin. I've used dvds. I've joined a gym. I've talked to my doctor. I've talked to a nutritionist. I've taken before pictures. I've cried over before pictures. I've gone back to basics uncountable times. I've started simple. I've started complicated. I've set one goal a day. I've set one goal a week. I've set many goals a week.
Please, please, please-- what else is left?
I simply feel completely beaten down. I really, really do. I feel absolutely exhausted with this. I literally cannot think of a single thing to do, or not do, or do differently to make this stick. I feel like the past 5 years have beat me down mentally. I'm so tired. I'm soooo tired.
Is it possible this is just impossible? I feel weak, and not in a food sense. In a tired of trying just to be beaten sense.
I feel like.... someone threw me into a huge hole, a giant hole. I've been climbing out for 5 years, but never made any real progress. Occasionally making some progress, but that progress gets undone and I'm back near the bottom of the hole.
I feel like I've reached a point where I'm just too tired to try to climb anymore, and I want to let go, because I've never even come close to digging out-- and I'm just so, so tired.