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I don't know how to do this. [a plea for help?]

Thursday, July 07, 2011

I really don't.

I've set long term goals, I've set short term goals. I've set medium term goals. I've walked. I've run. I've danced. I've wii fited. I've bike ridden. I've done 1200 calories per spark people. I've done weight watchers. I've done south beach. I've tried to scare myself into health. I've tried to talk to myself nicely. I've tried to pretend it was life or death. I've realistically thought of it as life or death. I've lost weight. I've gained more weight. I've cried. I've smiled. I've broken down in the food aisles. I've avoided friends. I've surrounded myself with friends. I've drank all my water. I've tracked every bite. I've done biggest loser. I've blogged. I've been diligent. I've been not so diligent. I've been called fat by peers. I've been called fat by family. I've wished I were thin. I've used dvds. I've joined a gym. I've talked to my doctor. I've talked to a nutritionist. I've taken before pictures. I've cried over before pictures. I've gone back to basics uncountable times. I've started simple. I've started complicated. I've set one goal a day. I've set one goal a week. I've set many goals a week.

Please, please, please-- what else is left?

I simply feel completely beaten down. I really, really do. I feel absolutely exhausted with this. I literally cannot think of a single thing to do, or not do, or do differently to make this stick. I feel like the past 5 years have beat me down mentally. I'm so tired. I'm soooo tired.

Is it possible this is just impossible? I feel weak, and not in a food sense. In a tired of trying just to be beaten sense.

I feel like.... someone threw me into a huge hole, a giant hole. I've been climbing out for 5 years, but never made any real progress. Occasionally making some progress, but that progress gets undone and I'm back near the bottom of the hole.

I feel like I've reached a point where I'm just too tired to try to climb anymore, and I want to let go, because I've never even come close to digging out-- and I'm just so, so tired.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • no profile photo CD2264535
    stop being so hard look at what you have done and you have not given up. just do one small thing at a time and look for the victories they are there.
    3279 days ago
  • KARRIEMASSOTTI
    I wish I had some words of wisdom for you but I don't. The other sapphires are so much more eloquent than I am (Camille, Kal, Peta, Deena)

    I especially love what Deena said about being the after success story.

    All I can say is I hear you and feel for you and to send you virtual hugs.

    3282 days ago
  • BARBSDUCK
    I don't know you from Adam, but your blog title certainly grabbed my eye.

    I have a similar history of gaining and losing the same amount of weight over and over again. But, for me, it was 100 pounds -- the spread between 180 and 280 - which I gained and lost three times. If you check out my spark page, it says I started in SP at 230 & got down to maintenance in 2007 (155-160 range). I've regained 20 pounds of it, only -- and I consider that a great success, given that I had been at such extremes before.

    For me, food/overeating is a lifelong challenge (I'm 52 years old), and I don't expect that to change. I'm an emotional eater, a compulsive overeater, a binge eater - whatever term you want to use. And, I've been doing it a long time, so it's a very old habit.

    So, what works? Continuing to struggle with it works. The alternative is to stop struggling and gain 100 or 200 pounds and become a shut-in. I don't see that as an attractive option, do you?

    What I've see, for myself, is that the yo-yo range got smaller and smaller. First I would regain 100, then I'd regain 50, and recently, I regained 20.

    I think, the longer my body got to experience a lower weight, the more settled into that weight it became. Now, I feel as uncomfortable at 180 as I used to feel at 230 or 280. So, it doesn't take as long for me to get back on track.

    I am completely determined to lose that extra 20 pounds again and be back at maintenance. It felt good there, and I want to feel good.

    Oooh, one thing that did help -- I threw out all my fat clothes -- everything above a size 14. Kind of burned my bridges so there is no going back.

    Listen girl (and here comes the tough love): GET OFF THE PITY POT and get back into the struggle. There's no doubt in my mind that, if I can do it, YOU CAN.
    3282 days ago
  • LENGELKE
    When I felt the way you do now, I really sat down and got 150% honest with myself and I was shocked! When I sat there, made a list of what I do and what I've done compared to what I *should* do or should've done, it was UGLY...You have to start small, take it a day at a time, a goal at a time and make them small, mini goals. I'll support you any way I can...check your sparkmail
    3282 days ago
  • DEENAMCDONALD
    Alexis, you read my mind with this blog. I was feeling that same way a couple weeks ago and my Sapphire Sisters (you included) pulled me out of it. Posting the blog means you are still searching and you are still trying to make this work.....don't give up! After my downer week, the support of my fellow sparkers really gave me a new spunk in my journey. I vowed to not drink any alcohol until my birthday (Aug. 12) and in that time I want to lose 20 pounds. I am two weeks into my no alcohol journey, and this change has made me feel so much better about myself. I don't feel denied, I feel empowered to take control of my choices and my life. I hope you find your second, third, fourth.....wind and get your "spark" back. One of the main comments from the Sapphires that inspired me was the one that said they were inspired by me and that they know I will have a great success story and they can't wait to say they were there with me on that journey. I can't remember which Sapphire posted it, but it changed my mindset. I saw myself as an "after" picture instead of the ongoing "before" picture. So sweet girl, keep your chin up and know that your "after" picture is right around the corner. I am here for you as you have always been here for me. You are not alone on this jouney! Thanks for the blog....it really spoke to me in a very personal way. Take care of yourself sweet girl!
    3282 days ago
  • LADYDISCIPLINE
    We've all been right where you are. Hell, this week I am right where you are. Pick it up and move on.
    More than anything else consistency and planning will help to get you through.
    I dropped you a PM, get back with me if you want to hook up and battle this together.
    3282 days ago
  • CHOCOHOLIC2276
    I have felt like you many times. Many times. Tried everything under the sun. What worked? Well trying different things I found out what works for me. Hope this helps:
    1. Eat foods you love but stay in calorie range- learn to make them leaner. Do not starve yourself. This only leads to bingeing.
    2. Find exercise you love. It might be that you try different classes, different instructors, different dvd's but if you don't like what you are doing you will not enjoy it. For me this was kickboxing and zumba. I tried running a billion times. I hate it. For me it doesn't work.
    3. Give yourself a break. This is important. Stop beating yourself up if you slip up. So you had 1 cookie, fine. One slip up does not mean you failed. Keep working your routine.
    4. Cheat day. For me, I need one, some people don't. This is the day I eat what I want for 1 meal. If I want Popeyes I will have Popeyes, with fries? Sure! Soda- ok! I do not beat myself up for this.
    5. Learn your body fluctuates. Don't le the scale stress you out. Official weigh in should be once a week.
    6. Drink your water. It flushes out your system.
    7. Have go to meals at fast food restaruants- I like McD's- cannot eat everything on their menu though. Good options- breakfast Egg McMuffin and black coffee. Taco Bell- fresca menu. I eat on the run sometimes and seeing I had options really helped.

    I know it is hard and hope this helps:)
    3282 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/7/2011 10:48:25 AM
  • BLH507
    Consistancy, consistancy, consistancy...that's what's going to work for you. It doesn't matter what "diet" you choose. Find something that feels comfortable and do it, everyday, every hour, every minute.
    3282 days ago
  • AUSSIECHICK3
    Alexis,
    Hunni thank you for being so honest, I wish I could wave a magic wand and help you out.

    There are times I feel exactly the same and I try and try and try and nothing happens. I am a classic yo-yo dieter and I wish there was a way to stop it.

    I don't know the answers to help you but I can tell you what I do when I feel I'm struggling:

    1. I ask myself do I really want to have to run for 2hours to work of that chocolate biscuit? Is it worth it????

    2. I remember why I started this journey in the first place.

    3. I surround myself with supportive people like my Sapphire sisters.

    Alexis, I truely hope that you find a way to get the results you want, It is a hard journey but please know you have the love and support of people on here.

    Peta xx
    3282 days ago
  • FITNHEALTHYKAL
    Alexis, I hear you and I feel the anguish in your words. I replied to a sparkmail before I read this blog and now I hope my sparkmail reply doesn't seem too blithe because it certainly wasn't meant to be so dear sapphire friend.

    First and foremost, you are too young to go through life feeling this way. Camille and I hear you and your anguish resonates with us and speaks to us particularly because we don't want you or anyone else to live your life as we have with this rollercoaster journey and yet, I can't tell you that I've ever found the pill, potion, patch or other EASY answer Alexis and believe me, I've searched high and low the world over. I've been to OA and realized that I absolutely am addicted to food and while I hate that realization, it is true. Finding the reasons why might help and that is an area for you to delve into as well.

    It is my heartfelt wish that you not spend your life as I have feeling these heartwrenching emotions. That you find a way to be at peace with this journey much sooner. Each chapter in your journey is one step closer to the ultimate goal Alexis. You are surrounded by resources and like minded souls embracing you. For me at 54 peace is different than my goal once was. I wish you peace with your inner beauty and your vision for your outer you. You aren't alone. I pray for you to find your way and peace soon sweetie.
    3283 days ago
  • SPARKEDLIFE

    The more difficulties one has to encounter, within and without, the more significant and the higher in inspiration his life will be.
    Horace Bushnell

    The only way of finding the limits of the possible is by going beyond them into the impossible.
    Arthur C. Clarke

    I thought i might quote these wise people because they said it best. i think you have done a great job for having a dream and doing what it takes to achieve it. Hang in there doll. Hope tomorrow is much better.
    xoxo
    3283 days ago
  • OILPAINTER
    Wow, what a great blog! I feel EXACTLY the same way most of the time. I put in the hours and hours it takes and look at my body as a science project. The "Calories-in vs. calories-out" doesn't seem to work with my body because I can burn 2600-3000 calories each day and eat 1000-14000 calories each day only to lose mere ounces each week... but I'm losing. I wear a BodyFit Armband that tells me exactly what my body is burning so I don't have to guess. I weigh and measure every gram of food that goes into my mouth so I'm pretty accurate... but just in case, I keep my calories low.

    I have a stubborn metabolism.

    What I've found works most efficiently for me is eating lots of RAW fruits and veggies. Somehow, RAW seems to rev-up my metabolism. Keep my carbs low, keep my sodium in range, choosing lower-fat foods. I am so good but still the weight loss is slow-going. I figure it to be my age and the fact that I have PCOS.

    Also, I saw this supplement explained on Dr. Oz - "L-Carnitine". For stubborn metabolisms taking 3,000 mg to 5,000 mg each day seems to help deflate fat cells and rid our bodies of the foods it likes to hold onto. It is not cheap but it's not too expensive... at GNC $49 per bottle. I think I need 1 to 1-1/3 bottles per month.

    I began taking it last week and started seeing the scale move down more efficiently... in pounds instead of mere ounces... you might want to try it for yourself.

    AND... practice positive self-talk. Tell yourself, when faced with 'unhealthy' food choices... "It's not worth it!" I used to say, "A Moment on the Lips, Forever on the Hips!"... "It's better to go to waste IN the waste than ON my waist!"... and continue to remind yourself... "I AM WORTH IT! I AM STRONG! I AM BEAUTIFUL!" (because you are)... and, "I CAN DO THIS!"

    emoticon emoticon
    3283 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/7/2011 2:19:39 AM
  • SCOTIANRUNNER
    I've nothing to add because it's been said. I did see something posted by a friend today: Impossible or I'm possible?

    I really do believe that you will find what works for you and then you'll blow the doors off your goals. Just keep doing.
    3283 days ago
  • LAMBOFHISFLOCK
    Hi Alexis.. I read through your blog and soooooooo have been there at various times in my life.. and want to let you know that it is NOT impossible... but that does not mean it is easy.

    Your back and forth on the journey is typical.. I think of it like the person who tries to quit smoking. Rarely does someone succeed at first... not for long. Changing behaviors and addictions are HARD.. and losing weight is a journey that never ends and that can seem daunting.

    But I want to tell you that you are BETTER OFF for having been on this journey. If you quit you will gain.

    You are WORTH the effort this healthy lifestyle takes. You are worth fighting for. And you CAN do this. There will be good days and bad moments.. and the difficult thing is that we can do a lot of damage in a few bad moments... but you are making healthy decisions each day.. and whether the scale always shows progress these healthy decisions make you STRONGER.

    Eating freggies. Drinking water. Exercising. These things build your health no matter what else progress you make or don't make.

    Finally, I believe the core of our successes and failures is not behavioral but in our hearts. Do YOU believe you are worth fighting for? Do you believe you are of GREAT WORTH??? As a christian, I remind myself that the Creator calls me His beloved! He knows the number of hairs on my head and his thoughts for me are greater than the number of sands on the earth. My worth is defined by HIM... and I AM WORTH FIGHTING FOR. SO ARE YOU!!

    So when the day is hard.. and the temptations hit.. remember that you are worth it. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for yourself is to say no. Then find something to do other than eat. And if you slip.. look at it honestly... see if you could do something different the next time.. and then FORGIVE YOURSELF... and continue on your journey.

    Today is a new day. You can do this. One step, one bite, one decision at a time!!
    3283 days ago
  • SARITHOR
    I've been there before! Just don't give up. I've been trying since as long as I can remember to lose this friggin weight and I've done it a couple times, only to gain it all back. You just can't give up! I've noticed when I'm TRUELY happy, I lose it soo much more easier, than when I'm depressed. Something will happen and I will sink down deep into depression and I gain whatever I lost when I was happy. I've come to terms and decided no matter what happens, I will be happy and thankful I'm alive. There are people worse off than me, even if I only lose one friggin pound in a month, I will just keep going, cause at least it's something. When you have a bad day, cry it out and tell yourself tomorrow will be different. But JUST DON'T EVER GIVE UP! I hope tomorrow is better for you.
    3283 days ago
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