Thursday, June 16, 2011
It's been a strange year. I've struggled with getting my head in the weight-loss mindset for a number of months now. I haven't really gained, just fluctuated a few pounds up and down every month.
I'm on year 4 of my weight-loss journey. I'm 40 pounds lighter than I was in 2007. And so much more fit. Ran a marathon and a couple half-marathons, bike commute 25k every day, flexible, good muscle tone.
But I've been stuck. For a while. Struggling sometimes with exercise, struggling other times with basic skills like drinking water regularly or making healthy choices. But, really, I'm hard on myself. I'm still drinking at least 4 glasses of water on a bad day. And I always have fruit/veggies for snacks without fail. A bad week of exercise means that I went two days in a row without doing anything.
So, I think the issue is a mental one. I berate myself for not losing when in fact I'm still doing a lot of stuff right. I used to be a plus size 18 and now I'm a size 10. I have a waist. I can see my knee caps instead of chubby bumps halfway down my legs. I have a visible collarbone. Much to be proud of, especially that I've kept the weight off.
It's the mental work that is exhausting. And sometimes I feel tired. Like I just need a break from the work. I thought that after 4 years of focus, I wouldn't still struggle. Or that I would struggle less. Yet, the mental battle is constant. Every day, I have to choose to make good choices. Every tired or stressful moment requires a pep talk to not eat the emotions. Every evening is a battle to not pig out. I just thought it would all get easier.
Perhaps this is the life of an addict. I'm finally admitting that the relationship I have with food is not easily resolved and is akin more to an addiction than to just coping strategies.
Yesterday, I reminded myself how proud I feel when I make great and healthy choices. I walk talker and feel better. I've decided to use a mantra of "do yourself proud" to deal with weak moments. Today was better. So was yesterday. I know if I keep working at it, eventually I will find that internal shift I need to motivate myself, that I will live healthy because I value myself too much to do anything else.