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Can't be accepted for just being me.......

Monday, June 13, 2011

First off....I've been away from SP for a good month. I need to apologize to my fellow CATS team. I'm so sorry I haven't contributed too much on this challenge.

I've been out on a medical leave. I've always been a strong person, but losing Rudy sent me over the edge. He was my everything as I've said before. He was more than a dog...he was my kid that I had such a bond with.

I've been suffering from depression, severe anxity/panic attacks and they also found that I have a high lateral hernia. I have to say...very painful and I can handle alot of pain. I thought I was going to explode...literally! The good news is that I'm on meds which are helping alot and in counseling too. I just returned to work today after being off a month and a half. I thought I was ready......

Two days ago, my ex-boyfriend (who I thought cared about me and would never treat me so badly) pretty much slammed me for everything. I cried solid all day Saturday. I guess because I'm a compassionate person, it just hurt twice as bad to even think someone could say these things. I was slammed for seeking counseling and taking meds.....called down right crazy for not being able to handle life without medications. It's only temporary..but he still called me crazy. Then to tell me that I'm just dragging this whole grieving process out way too long. My Rudy has only been gone since Feb 26th. I can't help it. :( Then he said to me "everything dies...get over it". He said "I guess you can visit his grave all the time you want now...you know most people don't bury their animals in pet cemetery's...you've gone completely overboard. Then he said "we are all sorry your dog died...unforturnatly you only have pictures to stare at now....have fun doing that". I felt like I was getting kicked in the gut with every word that came out of his mouth and this wasn't even all of it. I was so upset that I finally had to hang up on him. I grabbed my other sheltie Riley and just sobbed all day. My eyes were so swollen the next morning that I could hardly open them.

Why are people so mean? Why do people get off in making others hurt and feel so bad? I would never in a million years even do half the things he said to my worst enemy. I feel like I can't be accepted for just being me.

Sunday was a little better. I've been relying on my faith to get me through a lot of it. Today I returned to work and it wasn't much better. First of all only one person welcomed me back. Then I find out that our jobs are being outsourced to India. Am I being tested? So now...being unemployed is in the back of my mind. Wouldn't be so bad, but they are working it to where we probably won't get our raises on the 26th (everything is suppose to happen this week) and they are calling it voluntary, so no way of claiming assistance in between finding another job.

I have to keep telling myself to stay strong or I'm not going to make it. I have Riley by my side that I must take care of. I'm just taking it one day at a time at this point and trying to hold my head up high and keep telling myself to not let what others say or do affect me. But it is so hard........

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I had no idea you were going through this problem at work,my friend and as you are hearing there is no time frame for your grief! You are always in my prayers, stay strong and positive don't let anyone make you feel bad about yourself. I am not sure why some people feel the need to make others feel bad, but we can choose to walk away from that behavior and be happier for it! Your a good person,mom and friend,always remember that!
    3449 days ago
    I am way behind in commenting on your blog, but it looks like you have lots of support. I repeat everything that has already been said.

    Thankfully you have your faith to hang on to. Hang on tight!!!
    Will prayer for you!! Blessings and love!
    3596 days ago
    Carol - big virtual hug coming your way. I am so sorry for all you are going through, but you will GET through. You will. Be strong and stay focused - message me if you need a shoulder.

    3641 days ago
    I hope you can deal with the work situation. That is a shock. I am glad you have your dog regardless of where you are or what you are doing.

    emoticon emoticon
    3648 days ago
    Thanks so much everyone. Your comments mean the world to me. I'm hurting so bad right now that when I logged in and read all your comments it just warmed my heart.

    As I stated I returned to work yesterday. Well, yesterday in my mailbox and via a fedex envelope delivered the same day was a letter from the outsourcing company who handles Xerox disabililty/medical claims. It was a letter dated June 10th (I received it on the 13th) stating that they terminated my disabily on June 1st. Yes..I said June 1st! They determined that my doctors explaination/reasons were not acceptable enough for a medical leave. So, I can appeal it but only with 14 days of the date of the letter...so I've already lost 4 days! Why didn't I get a phone call on June 1st? Oh..that's right..they said they made the determination on June 6th. Makes no sense..I get a differnt answer depending on who I speak to. I have to discuss this with my assigned case manager. I was transered to this person and they are out of the office this entire week! My paycheck tomorrow will be a whole $200 dollars. Now I can't make my rent, car, car insurance..nothing! I have to move by this weekend and hope I can find a storage unit for $200 dollars. I have no place to go so my Riley and I will sleep in my car until they take that. Will someone wake me up from this nightmare? Please!
    3652 days ago
    What an absolute jerk! It's good that he is your 'ex' because he is obviously not someone you need in your life. Take care of yourself and do what you need to for YOU; people who have never struggled with depression or anxiety often have no comprehension of what it is like. Meds and counseling are sometimes what we need to make it through; hang in there and know that we are here for you.

    3652 days ago
    Your ex is someone you should NOT talk to - ever again. He is poison to you. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, to be ashamed of in seeking out help and taking medication. In fact, it shows how strong you are. You are fighting to get through this time and I applaud you for it. As for grieving for Rudy, there is not a timeline for grief. Please be kind to yourself. You are doing what is right for you. You are in my prayers.

    3652 days ago
  • CANDOK1260
    first of all happy he your ex, second I kow how you feel about the job haven;t happen yet but my job going to Chicago and I am not, just remeber ther a old sayig God doesn;t give us more than we can handle will praying for you
    3653 days ago
    Sorry to hear the ex is such an idiot. When your pet is your baby, it is just like losing a child. You have a right to grieve and if it takes longer than he likes, too bad. I will pray for you to get through this and hope your job situation gets better.
    3653 days ago
    Well first off I am so glad he is your ex - keep it that way!!
    2nd there is NO SHAME in asking for help for anything and depression, anxiety is nothing to fool with. My hubby suffers from severe anxiety/depression and is on meds and has been off work since he ewas 47 and is now 53. Don't feel that will happen to you but just know it is a medical thing not just "you are nuts" dont ever think that.
    so sorry about your sweet dog. my best friend put her sheltie down cos of dog alzheimers she was 12 years old and she had her since a pup, she said there is a stone in her heart. her other 2 shelties, one is lost the other doesn't seem to mind. but you won't ever forget but will feel better. We have had to give dogs away cos of moving out of country, and had to put one down cos of cancer. we have had our dog now for 10 years and I am not looking forward to the day she goes.
    Sorry work is bad too. Seems that way doesn't it - everything at one time.
    I am off work too cos of extreme sciatica oh what pain, and if I don't get back to work by this thurs, I lose the clients and have to start over when I come back. I want my clients some are in their 90s. so not fair.
    also so much pain, iin past 10 years, mental and physical, seems as soon as I get myself organized job wise something physical starts. I am hoping my dr is going to put me off forever with pension but then I am 54. not old but too much pain for me now.
    hugs and sorry to make this me. just got chatting.
    HUGS and don't feel bad about cats, I quit cos got to be too much. I felt bad but then thought this is about me, and my health not just a team.
    HUGS again!
    3653 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/13/2011 8:52:51 PM

    You don't deserve the terrible things he said to you. I know you're a strong, confident woman. There absolutely no shame in seeking counseling and medication to help us get through the rough patches. Try to stay positive and see the forest through the trees. Remember: you're awesome :)
    3653 days ago
    I'm sorry your ex said those terrible and uncalled for things to you. He was wrong to rub salt into your wounds and should be ashamed of himself. You do what you need to do for yourself and don't worry about what other people say. emoticon I know it is easier said than done but you are strong and can do it and make it through this rough time.
    3653 days ago
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