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Me vs Calzone- the power food has over me

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

All I want is a Buffalo Chicken Calzone.

I tried to make it into a healthy recipe. It was gross.

It's amazing how I can be so good for so long, and see progress on the scale, and still want this thing. It's amazing that more genetically connected family members recently became diagnosed with diabetes, and I still want this calzone.

It's hard to believe that I have had some tear filled nights about how fat I am, yet I still want to eat this thing. I dream of size 6 clothing and I still want to sit down, order my calzone, eat the crap out of it, and never come up for air.

I'm constantly amazed by the power food as over me. How can I want something so badly (to not be obese) yet in the moment want to shove 800 calories worth of chicken and cheese down my throat.

It's almost stupid to think about. Essentially I am trading hard work, motivation, confidence, happiness, and better clothes for a fleeting 30 minutes of excitement? I guess this must be the rush that people who like sky diving get. I wish I understood why it holds such a power over me... but I can't explain it. I'm so sick of doing this, that's all I know.

Perhaps it would help if I actually liked healthy food. Can I make myself? I can't say I "LOVE" anything healthy. There are foods I don't mind- and those are the foods I eat. But the foods I LOVE-- are not healthy. None of them. Not a single, solitary morsel of things I love are on the 'this is ok to eat' list. Maybe that's the real problem.

I'm a little down tonight. I know I'm losing weight, but I want my calzone. I'm not going to eat it. I'm angrily snacking on an apple but I feel like a ticking time bomb. I literally cannot win. If I eat it, I lose. If I sit here all mad and hungry wanting it really bad, I also lose.

I am supposed to go out to eat with a friend tomorrow. She picked my FAVORITE burger joint with garlic parm fries. Couple my ticking time bombness with this and you're going to witness an explosion.

God I hope my breakfast nuts are good tomorrow morning.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • WORKITCARRIE
    I feel like you. When I try to eat just a few bites I end up eating the entire thing so sometimes the phrase "eat everything in moderation" doesn't always work. (Aka the brownie incident last week) I really wish I had the best advice when it comes to this. As far as the relationship with food, I think we're all different. I just want you to know that if you do eat one, come right back here to Spark or work out or something because it's not going to kick you off the right track! k?
    3320 days ago
  • KGEBERT
    What about trying to make a buffalo chicken pizza? Start with a whole wheat crust drizzled with a little olive oil and freshly grated garlic. Then add previously grilled or baked chicken (if you need a crispy crunch add panko bread crumbs) then get some Franks red hot sauce. This has barely any calories in it! Drizzle that over the top. Sprinkle with some low cal cheese and when it comes out of the oven drizzle a little low cal ranch on top. This probably still has quite a few calories but it just may help you get through this rough part.

    From my experience I would go and save up calories for the day just so I could eat this thing. Then when I actually got to eat it I would realize that it doesn't really taste as good as I thought it did.

    Good luck! It's better to give yourself a few bites of that food you crave soooooo much then to deprive yourself. You will "explode" into a food frenzy otherwise! There really should be a drug for this addiction we all seem to have.
    3320 days ago
  • RETURNOFSARAH
    Aww I know exactly how you feel!! xx
    3320 days ago
  • STEPH-KNEE
    I heart you for posting this, I feel the exact same way about certain foods. And I will get it in my head (something super specific, i.e. chicken tenders from Carl's Jr.) and I will resist for so long, but eventually I crack and just have to have it. It's seriously like food is a drug for me. I do exactly what you do, I've cried over being overweight, yet I STILL won't be able to satisfy the craving until I have it.
    3320 days ago
  • LADYDISCIPLINE
    Write to Clean Eating magazine or Hungry Girl, they might be able to pull off some better healthy versions.
    3320 days ago
  • TRYINGINMY20S
    I'm going to eat the crap out of a calzone. It's just a matter of when....
    3320 days ago
  • FLUFFY613
    So are you never going to eat this calzone? Not even as a reward? I'd say go one month with out it then indulge. Otherwise you WILL explode and maybe even eat like 3 of them in a row (not really... but you get it lol)
    I am doing that right now with french fries. I have gone a month with out them on the 13th which was planned because it is my Bday! And I am going to get fry-wasted on the 13th!! I feel I totally deserve it! And then I am going to do the same thing with pizza. I find that it is hard at first but it gets easy and knowing that I will have it keeps me in control.
    I have the same feelings as you with food. It is SO crazy how it takes over the mind! If I give in and have "just a small piece" of say a piece of cake... the next thing I know its half gone and I am in a mind full of anger, guilt, and then confusion to be honest... Why does food do this to us? It is a horrible feeling!
    And even if you choose not to eat the calzone. Cheers to that! You CAN over come it! It is hard but take it day by day!
    Looking forward to hearing about your lunch date with your friend at the burger joint! Best of luck!
    emoticon
    3320 days ago
  • SKINNYMINIME22
    I know that this may not be the popular response to your blog, but I've found that by depriving myself of something, it only makes it worse. I've found success with portion control... but it's not even portion control. If I'm craving something, I'll have a taste of it (a bite or two and no more) If I want chocolate, ice cream, cookies etc. I have one spoonful of ice cream, one cookie, one piece of chocolate (ok, maybe 2-4 a day depending on how stressful work is...) But I become a MONSTER if I started depriving myself the things I loved.

    Are there any lower cal/lower sodium/lower fat options of the food you love available in your grocery store? If so, would just having 1-2 bites of that buffalo chix tide you over for the day?

    I say go ahead and eat a handful of fries (fries are my biggest weakness) and then send the basket away with the server tomorrow. Give yourself a taste but use your willpower to push the rest away (or just grab a few from your friend!)

    You need to find what works for you... and deprivation doesn't work for me. Just remember, it can't be a daily thing. Admittedly, I have one treat per day (not including those dove chocolates at work!)
    3320 days ago
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