Me vs Calzone- the power food has over me
Wednesday, June 08, 2011
All I want is a Buffalo Chicken Calzone.
I tried to make it into a healthy recipe. It was gross.
It's amazing how I can be so good for so long, and see progress on the scale, and still want this thing. It's amazing that more genetically connected family members recently became diagnosed with diabetes, and I still want this calzone.
It's hard to believe that I have had some tear filled nights about how fat I am, yet I still want to eat this thing. I dream of size 6 clothing and I still want to sit down, order my calzone, eat the crap out of it, and never come up for air.
I'm constantly amazed by the power food as over me. How can I want something so badly (to not be obese) yet in the moment want to shove 800 calories worth of chicken and cheese down my throat.
It's almost stupid to think about. Essentially I am trading hard work, motivation, confidence, happiness, and better clothes for a fleeting 30 minutes of excitement? I guess this must be the rush that people who like sky diving get. I wish I understood why it holds such a power over me... but I can't explain it. I'm so sick of doing this, that's all I know.
Perhaps it would help if I actually liked healthy food. Can I make myself? I can't say I "LOVE" anything healthy. There are foods I don't mind- and those are the foods I eat. But the foods I LOVE-- are not healthy. None of them. Not a single, solitary morsel of things I love are on the 'this is ok to eat' list. Maybe that's the real problem.
I'm a little down tonight. I know I'm losing weight, but I want my calzone. I'm not going to eat it. I'm angrily snacking on an apple but I feel like a ticking time bomb. I literally cannot win. If I eat it, I lose. If I sit here all mad and hungry wanting it really bad, I also lose.
I am supposed to go out to eat with a friend tomorrow. She picked my FAVORITE burger joint with garlic parm fries. Couple my ticking time bombness with this and you're going to witness an explosion.
God I hope my breakfast nuts are good tomorrow morning.