Spinning the Wheel vs. Spinning my Wheels
Saturday, May 28, 2011
So today, as I have done for the past 97 days, I logged into SP and immediately went to my sparkpoints to spin the wheel and get my log in points. Wow!! 97 days consecutive days of being active on this site, at least checking in for a spin and usually more, more than 1000 sparkpoints earned this month..so..why do I feel like I am at least in the same place I was when I started this streak, if not even a bit behind where I was in terms of my weight?
I know, I know, it's not all about the scale, it's about the lifestyle changes, the gradual process, I get all that. And truth be told, I think it could be said that I am doing very well with the getting regular exercise and bringing good food into our home and planning and eating well.. But still, despite all that, interspersed with some very great living, have been all too frequent periods of bad food choices. Usually, when I get on a roll like this, the bad food choices stop, and though I've had some great little streaks within this long streak of eating well, planning out everything and completely being able to resist that little nighttime snack, I have had too many times that I have prowled my kitchen like a predator looking for its next prey.
This is a song I've sung so many times before, I am quite fed up with it, but not fed up enough to stop these occasions, apparently. It is oh so frustrating and deflating, and I'm not quite sure what my next step should be. I have certainly studied this pattern of mine ad nauseum, and have to say that I cannot find a pattern or trigger. I've even had many of those serious chats with myself about whether I am being honest with myself, even if I can't be honest with anyone else..am I eating to fill some other need? Is there something going on that I am not acknowledging, or facing, or well, whatever.. And in my heart of hearts, I have to say my life is good. Oh, it's busy, and stressful, but no busier or more stressful than anyone else's.
One of the great philosophers said something like "I live, therefore I am." (is that the exact quote? I'm on too much of a roll right now to stop and see what it was exactly and who said it, because that is beside the point I'm trying to make) And my feeling for me right now is "I am awake at night, therefore I eat." If I am not awake at night, I don't eat, I don't even think about eating. But let's face it, there are times that I'm going to be awake at night, and I can't just keep going to bed early to avoid the issue of my nighttime eating.
Usually, when I start writing a blog like this, I end up at a place that puts me in a better position to assess the situation, or I have one of those eureka moments, or I get that little "click" in my brain that puts me onto something. But for reasons I cannot explain, I am on this long streak of doing much of what spark tells me to do, and yet...nothing. I have been involved in the Spring 5% challenge..lose 5% of your weight in an 8 week period. The last time I got myself involved in a challenge, I did awesome, so I thought this challenge would definitely be good for me, but it's not working this time. And not only that, I was going along, pretty good until last Saturday when I stepped on the scale and suddenly there was a 4 lb gain, totally unexpectedly. Well, that really burst my bubble, because though I had not been doing a stellar job, nothing in what I had been doing could have accounted for that kind of gain. So I tried to put it out of my head and have worked pretty hard this week, and it finally looked like it was going to be okay..back down to where it had been before it ballooned up and I was going along great, until yesterday morning, when I got on and suddenly it was back up to last Saturday's weight plus one.. I have not weighed myself yet today, and don't know whether I will. I am feeling kind of stuck, in a rut, without a plan to get myself out. And yet, I exercise almost every day, I plan my meals and bring my snacks, and do everything I'm supposed to do,
I will say this...there is some anger inside me right now about all this, and as I look back at last night, a night I did the night time eating thing, I think I did eat with anger. Anger that this whole process is so imperfect, that my body doesn't work the way it used to. In my younger days, it was oh so much easier to take weight off. I could never keep it off, but boy, once I set my mind to it, I could lose it. If I were to give any advice to anyone out there right now who might (still!!) be reading this ridiculously long blog, it would be if you are in your 20s or 30s, do it now and find a way to keep it off, because your body will start to betray you once you hit your 40s and 50s..it just doesn't come off as easily as you get older, and once you take it off, keep up the good work and remain ever vigilant, because once you think "I'll never gain weight again" and start to slip, you will gain weight. If 51 years of battling weight have taught me anything, that is it..
So, many words later, no solutions in the offing, I am going to go get my busy day going. It will include exercise, it will include trying to eat well. It might not include weighing myself (oh yes, I was going to write about the weigh yourself daily vs. not weighing yourself daily conundrum, but I think I'll save that for another time, I do have some theories about that...). All we can do is keep on trying.