My eating disorder
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
I have come to a realization, after doing some research and reading a few books, I discovered I have binge eating disorder. I think it is something I have suspected but did not know the name of for a long time. When I was given medication to drop weight after my first child that was the first clue that I did not have a healthy relationship with food.
Recently, I admitted to myself (maybe for the first time) that the reason I am constantly hungry is not hormonal or physical, it is mental. I finally admitted to myself that what I was feeling is not what everyone else feels about food...the obsessing about, constant thinking about food, and finally the binging. I never really thought about how I eat as binging. But I realized I had been eating this way my whole life and either I would skip meals and deprive myself or overexercise to make up for it. When I first realized that I did this I felt such shame. I hide the book I was reading about it from my husband because I didn't want him to know I did this.
Last night I finally told him. Today I'm admitting it here. I figured I have to admit it so I can find out why I'm doing it. What emotion am I stuffing down with food, when am I really hungry and what is triggering my binge eating. I still feel embarrassed, gross and ashamed about this, but I know it's important to face it and identify it... and forgive myself. I know I'm not horrible, but frequently I feel out of control about food, and my feelings.
I know I have a long way to go but it is important that I come clean about where my poor relationship with food had lead me and how it has taken over my life. this was the first step. Now I will attempt to identify what the feelings are I am suppressing. (I have been doing this for so long I'm not even sure I know.) Anyone who has expreienced this please let me know how you have overcome it.