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Crushed.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Okay, I know that I just recently had my restart. And i've lost 5.6 pounds in two weeks. But, I am NOT a patient person, and although i dont need the number on the scale to immediately move down, I'd like my body to LOOK different.

Now, I've been a constant exerciser. Even when I wasnt eating great before the restart, I was still exercising. Anyway, my green capri pants (size 6 remember these?) that were NOT fitting at restart, finally fit again. And I dont mean tightly, they are back the way they were so that was good. Made me feel confident.

So, today I took a trip to Old Navy. They had their swimwear on sale, and as some of you may know, its been a goal of mine FOREVER to be able to wear a bikini in public, confident. I find the ones l like and head to the dressing room to see how they look...

MELTDOWN! I did NOT like what I saw. And, honestly, I dont usually have that reaction. I've posted BAD photos on here before, and I knew they would be bad. Last year I posted bikini photos that were not 'great' but not terrible either. Today, looking in that mirror, I was crushed. The suit fit, but my body, its like I didnt even recogonize it as my own. Honestly, and I feel stupid writing this, i was just sad. I KILL IT at the gym and while running and I feel like I'm not seeing anything for all that blood, sweat and tears.

After that experience, I didnt buy the suit for motivation (the original plan). I left and headed home. I wanted to eat. I wanted to go to the drive thru and buy anything warm and cheesy and fatty. But I didnt. Luckily, I made plans with a friend to workout. But honestly, I wasnt feeling it. Not my usual 'lets do this jillian style' attitude. Got on that treadmill and walked for a bit on a 4.0 incline. Then, didnt want to do NOTHING, so i ran for 30 minutes. I was sweating a LOT so that felt good, and I'm glad I went..but honestly, that feeling in the dressing room is still haunting me.

I can feel my body wanting to binge eat..I already had dinner and i'm wanting more. Its only 7pm here and I have awhile to go before bed, so hopefully can stick on plan. Not feeling super positive tonight, except for that so far I'm on plan. I have 4 points left to use tonight if I want, and I got my exercise in. I've tracked everything I've had to eat today, and have had over 5 servings of freggies.

Hope you all had a great saturday. I'm stayin away from bikinis for AWHILE *sigh*
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • LIGHTNINGRUNNER
    Remember it didn't all happen at once - I know I just bought tankinis there - cover up -
    3242 days ago
  • JBGOAL120
    You can do this...don't be so hard on yourself because I am sure you looked better than you think. I also have a goal of getting back into a bikini this year and it is a scary thing, lol. You will find the suit that looks great, it may just take some time and alot of encounters with dressing rooms.

    emoticon
    3243 days ago
  • PROF_STEPH
    Don't be so hard on yourself! Nobody looks perfect, and I'm sure you look great in a bikini!!!

    I have to say, though, that you really don't want to buy a cheap Old Navy bikini that are probably the flimsiest things you could buy. They do absolutely nothing for your body and everything is on display. We all need a little help here and there, so I say when you feel better try going to a Bikini Village or actual swimsuit store and try on the kind that actually flatter your body and hold you in in the places where you need extra support. Also, pick a style that works best with your body! I really think no matter what your size, there's a bathing suit that will look great on you but you definitely have to pay a bit more for something good quality! Hang in there! emoticon
    3243 days ago
  • CSULLIVAN83
    Next time take a friend with you. One of your "honest" friends. We all have one that is just blunt. I bet you were gorgeous and just being hard on yourself. We all see ourselves as eeekkk when we look in the mirror with hardly any cloths.

    You can do this!
    3243 days ago
  • KAREN_NY
    Stay in the game, babe - you're doing great!
    K:)
    3243 days ago
  • SEAWAVE
    I'm not sure what you saw that you didn't like... you look great in the pics you have posted. I do notice, however, that your "inspiration" pictures seem to be of someone who is in the business. These people spend hours a day in the gym, have personal trainers and often also cooks and airbrushed pictures. You might be setting yourself up against an unrealistic imagine for real life.

    You're racing, you're trying new sports, you're active and healthy. You've got a lot going for you... don't let this one thing get you down! You're doing emoticon
    3244 days ago
  • AVEARE
    emoticon

    Let me start this off by saying I have never worn a bikini in my life. I have always never felt comfortable enough with my body, even at my lowest body weight. Plus, even at 120 lbs, my stomach was just not made to be exposed...or so I thought. i was just in Mexico a few weeks ago and let me tell you, half the women in bikinis at the resort did not look as good as the pics you have posted! And there were even some women who were definitely not taking care of themselves but they seemed perfectly happy the way they were.

    I read Merry's post and I hope you take that idea to heart....Each of us has different bodies and even at our ideal weight, we might not look exactly like the movie stars (where their entire life and job is to be in the best shape their body can be in). They always talk about the extremes they go to for those big events and photo shoots. We just have to do our best to be as healthy, fit and happy as we can be. Your work is paying off - look at the way you have been conquering your races, trying challenging courses, pushing yourself at the gym, and trying new sports even! You are doing an awesome job - keep your chin up, because I think you are doing fantastic.
    3244 days ago
  • LAURAKINS
    emoticon Hang in there! Your doing emoticon !
    3244 days ago
  • GO-LOEW
    Sorry about your unpleasant encounter in the dressing room. I hope you will wake up tomorrow with that moment erased and new inspiration.

    I don't know how old you are or anything about you, but I know in my case I am going to see some pretty saggy, wrinkly skin when in a dressing room, and will never look good in a swim suit. BUT, I am super healthy and focus on all things I can enjoy in my healthier body and do not let how I look dictate how I feel about myself.

    Merry
    3244 days ago
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