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Day 273: Success and Self-Sabotage

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Yesterday I made my 10% for Weight Watchers. That was my first goal, and I figured it would take a year. Instead, I lost 35 pounds down in just under 3 months.

I feel better. I have more energy, my back feels a little bit better, and the wound on my tummy has healed now that it doesn't rub on the steering wheel every day. Personal hygiene is easier (any of you who has been morbidly obese knows EXACTLY what I'm talking about).

My mindset, however, isn't fixed. I've read over my past several blog entries and I talk a good game about thinking of food as fuel and forgiving myself and allowing myself to go slow with this. It seems like I've got it all together.

But yesterday, after the shock of my weight loss wore off, I freaked out and binged. Totally out of control. When I went to bed last night, I felt physically sick. I've never purged before, but last night I seriously thought about sticking my finger down my throat just to relieve the misery going on my stomach.

I'm prepared for other people to sabotage me, and I have prepared responses. I wasn't prepared that the person sabotaging myself would be....ME. Sigh.

Today I'm back on program, but it's been tenuous. Several times today I felt the urge to binge and found myself praying every time for strength. Please, God, let me love myself. Please, God, let me stay true to my goal. Please, God, give me the courage to say "no" to these urges.

Please, God, give me the strength to choose health.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I feel ya. I've felt like doing the finger-throat thing, too, but I'm a weiner - can't do it. Sometimes I'll binge on chips ... I'll chew them and spit them out the window when I'm driving. Pity the poor driver behind me - lol. (There's noone behind me - sheesh - I'm not THAT gross!) It's weird to not swallow though ...

    emoticon on your weight loss achievement - really - that's very emoticon
    2809 days ago
    That is a great weight loss, congratulations!
    I think it's harder to adjust with a quick weight loss. It took me 8 months to lose 36 pounds and I'm still reaching for my big shirts, but they are now huge shirts only fit for around the house.
    I can't eat like I used to. Overeating really hurts now. I find myself thinking about the ice cream in the freezer, thinking how tasty a bowl would be but I'm not hungry, and I'm perfectly full from dinner and I know it will hurt if I eat the ice cream, sometimes I still eat it even though I know I shouldn't. Those times are becoming less and less so hopefully I'm getting smarter about it!
    3141 days ago
    35 pounds in 3 months? WOW!!!!!!! Well done.
    3143 days ago
  • VICB57
    3143 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.