Day 273: Success and Self-Sabotage
Wednesday, May 04, 2011
Yesterday I made my 10% for Weight Watchers. That was my first goal, and I figured it would take a year. Instead, I lost 35 pounds down in just under 3 months.
I feel better. I have more energy, my back feels a little bit better, and the wound on my tummy has healed now that it doesn't rub on the steering wheel every day. Personal hygiene is easier (any of you who has been morbidly obese knows EXACTLY what I'm talking about).
My mindset, however, isn't fixed. I've read over my past several blog entries and I talk a good game about thinking of food as fuel and forgiving myself and allowing myself to go slow with this. It seems like I've got it all together.
But yesterday, after the shock of my weight loss wore off, I freaked out and binged. Totally out of control. When I went to bed last night, I felt physically sick. I've never purged before, but last night I seriously thought about sticking my finger down my throat just to relieve the misery going on my stomach.
I'm prepared for other people to sabotage me, and I have prepared responses. I wasn't prepared that the person sabotaging myself would be....ME. Sigh.
Today I'm back on program, but it's been tenuous. Several times today I felt the urge to binge and found myself praying every time for strength. Please, God, let me love myself. Please, God, let me stay true to my goal. Please, God, give me the courage to say "no" to these urges.
Please, God, give me the strength to choose health.