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g, negative rant

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

I'm frustrated. I'm angry. Mad. Pissed. Why? I don't know. At who? No one. Everyone one. Me. My husband. The world. It just feels like no matter what I do, how hard I try, I just can't seem to get ahead. Money will always be tight. Something will always break that I can't fix. My yard is going to be neck high before I can mow it. I WILL NEVER LOSE WEIGHT. I don't know if I want to cry right now or scream or hit something or drive too fast with the windows down and the music up and...wait, I'd need a babysitter first. And gas money.

I think it's almost TOM. That HAS to be why I GAINED BACK 8 LBS IN LIKE A WEEK. Yeah, I've been trying to eat myself into a chocolate coma since Easter. Yeah, I haven't worked out in two days. Yeah, we've been having fried food pretty much everyday. Yeah, I drank too much last Friday. Yeah, I've been drinking more soda than water. Yeah, I've been skipping breakfast. Yeah, I've been having fast food this week. Yeah, I self sabotage. I suffer from diet rage. I get on the scale and see that I work out super hard and eat reasonably, and the scale does not move and my clothes don't fit any different, and I lash out. At myself. With food. I get upset because of our finances and I lash out. With chocolate. I have a list of things that I am frustrated or stressed or angry about that I cannot fix, and the one thing that I CAN control FEELS SO OUT OF CONTROL...WHAT I PUT IN MY MOUTH. WHY THE FLIPPING *F* IS THAT????? Even if I got jog until I'm dizzy, or I do Turbo Fire until I'm completely winded and beet red, an hour of exercise will not make up for two bottles of soda, a candy bar at the register, a little debbie for breakfast, easter candy all night, a heaping plate of something deep fried and smothered in cheese or gravy, and ice cream for dessert...(no I did not eat that today, but it comes pretty close to how I've been eating for the last couple of weeks.) I'm out of control. And when I try to "write down everything I eat" I get mad. It's not fair. I have two super skinny sisters. They don't have to do that. I avoid my son's easter basket half a dozen times and then I give in and get a hand full of jelly beans. And then I have half a dozen mini chocolate bars. And I'm mad. Why can't I just stop at one? I hear my fried has lost 40 lbs in like 6 months. And I'm mad. Because I can't do it. Two pounds a week. HOW IS THAT EVEN HUMANLY POSSIBLE? Growl. Good for her. Happy for her, I swear I am. Pissed at the world though.

Am I a failure because I feel this way? I'm angry and frustrated and want to just give up. Forget about being healthy and losing weight and just be comfy on the couch with a super yummy bowl of ice cream and a good movie. Just relax. It's easy.

And it's wrong. But when you've got so much else weighing on your heart, it feels like a slap in the face to add worry about the weight on your body. And I can't seem to lessen the weight...anywhere.

So, vicious cycle. And crying wins.
Hi. My name is Kelli and I'm an emotional eater.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I have been there. You have expressed what I have felt so many times. The frustration that everybody seems to be able to lose weight except me. The frustration and anger at being "the fat sister". The veering off track and instantaneously putting on what seems like an inconceivable amount of weight and knowing that it's going to take for freaking ever to take it back off. The only thing we can do is try again tomorrow and never give up.

    I'll cheer you on if you do the same for me. We CAN do this. We CAN.

    Take care of yourself. Forgive yourself. Get back on the path and keep moving. Keep blogging. You'll get there. And like the other posters have said, you have come so far already. Remember that.
    3591 days ago
  • ELMO12714

    I think I can speak for most of us here & say, we've all been there so you're definitely not alone. Maybe ranting & getting mad will help you to think about the choices you make & one day out of the blue this losing weight thing will click....who knows! Maybe focus one changing one small goal at a time...it can be overwhelming if you try to do all of your goals at once or maybe you can handle them(I don't know). You have to try & find what works for you & you alone & no one else! What works for one person may not work for the next person. Good luck & I wish you all the best!
    3591 days ago
    Hi Kelli, no you are NOT a failure....you've lost 30 lbs! That's amazing! Just telling myself that would make me wanna go for more! I have only lost about 6 lbs in 5 months....so I get frustrated too. We all do. I'm not the best at giving advice, but maybe try an Atkins chocolate shake (they are actually pretty good) if you are craving chocolate and some fruity yogurt if you want some jelly beans. I myself do not chose to cut anything out that I like. But I have learned to only eat one. It's hard....it's really hard, but it does take time and patience (something that I don't have!). You are doing awesome....keep it up!
    3591 days ago
    Totally know where you're coming from!!!! I have had MANY of these days!!! I would eat everything in sight until it was gone!!! There's this candy that I LOVE (Sarris Cappuccino meltaways) and my husband, trying to be sweet, buys them for me for every holiday!!!! I got 2 boxes for Christmas and then he just bought me another 2 for Easter!!!! I coulda killed him!!!! But I put them where I can't see them...and I'm not tempted by them at all! I did have a HUGE craving for chocolate a few days ago and finally opened one box and took out one piece...and hid the box again. Just remember not to deprive yourself completely or you'll end up having another one of these days when you do finally give in. Maybe start with one SMALL treat a day (or every other day) and eventually you won't even crave it as much anymore!!! Good luck girl! You can do this!!! Just keep your head high!!! =)
    3591 days ago
  • LYANCEY_0810
    I appreciate your honesty in this blog. You are not alone in this, most people have a hard time stopping with just one treat, its being human! For me, it took getting angry at myself like you've just done for the switch to finally flip inside me. Once I'd gotten sick of my self to a certain point I decided I'm done being weak (emotionally and physically) and I CAN make a change!

    I understand that it is so hard to focus on your health when you feel financial pressure as well, I'm there with you. You can only address what you have control over, so make a decision and go with it. You are strong and you can do this! Don't give up! Don't quit! Just grit your teeth and after the first couple days it will be much easier. The first week is the hardest...

    Keep your chin up!
    3592 days ago
    I respect your honesty. I now realize that I did have one too many of those peanut butter eggs I so dearly love. I am working on getting out of the "bad/too much emotional eating" cycle right now myself. Tonight I just filled myself with water, hot tea, and celery. I read that somewhere today. It has worked, but I still went back to get a snack--and chose better--grapes. Today I stayed within my range, but barely and its hard. Just force yourself to do better tomorrow. 1 better choice than today. This is a lifelong journey after all. You can do it!
    3593 days ago
    Just start over tomorrow. Maybe you need to only focus on one or two small goals at a time. It sounds like you expect a lot of yourself.
    3593 days ago
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