g, negative rant
Tuesday, May 03, 2011
I'm frustrated. I'm angry. Mad. Pissed. Why? I don't know. At who? No one. Everyone one. Me. My husband. The world. It just feels like no matter what I do, how hard I try, I just can't seem to get ahead. Money will always be tight. Something will always break that I can't fix. My yard is going to be neck high before I can mow it. I WILL NEVER LOSE WEIGHT. I don't know if I want to cry right now or scream or hit something or drive too fast with the windows down and the music up and...wait, I'd need a babysitter first. And gas money.
I think it's almost TOM. That HAS to be why I GAINED BACK 8 LBS IN LIKE A WEEK. Yeah, I've been trying to eat myself into a chocolate coma since Easter. Yeah, I haven't worked out in two days. Yeah, we've been having fried food pretty much everyday. Yeah, I drank too much last Friday. Yeah, I've been drinking more soda than water. Yeah, I've been skipping breakfast. Yeah, I've been having fast food this week. Yeah, I self sabotage. I suffer from diet rage. I get on the scale and see that I work out super hard and eat reasonably, and the scale does not move and my clothes don't fit any different, and I lash out. At myself. With food. I get upset because of our finances and I lash out. With chocolate. I have a list of things that I am frustrated or stressed or angry about that I cannot fix, and the one thing that I CAN control FEELS SO OUT OF CONTROL...WHAT I PUT IN MY MOUTH. WHY THE FLIPPING *F* IS THAT????? Even if I got jog until I'm dizzy, or I do Turbo Fire until I'm completely winded and beet red, an hour of exercise will not make up for two bottles of soda, a candy bar at the register, a little debbie for breakfast, easter candy all night, a heaping plate of something deep fried and smothered in cheese or gravy, and ice cream for dessert...(no I did not eat that today, but it comes pretty close to how I've been eating for the last couple of weeks.) I'm out of control. And when I try to "write down everything I eat" I get mad. It's not fair. I have two super skinny sisters. They don't have to do that. I avoid my son's easter basket half a dozen times and then I give in and get a hand full of jelly beans. And then I have half a dozen mini chocolate bars. And I'm mad. Why can't I just stop at one? I hear my fried has lost 40 lbs in like 6 months. And I'm mad. Because I can't do it. Two pounds a week. HOW IS THAT EVEN HUMANLY POSSIBLE? Growl. Good for her. Happy for her, I swear I am. Pissed at the world though.
Am I a failure because I feel this way? I'm angry and frustrated and want to just give up. Forget about being healthy and losing weight and just be comfy on the couch with a super yummy bowl of ice cream and a good movie. Just relax. It's easy.
And it's wrong. But when you've got so much else weighing on your heart, it feels like a slap in the face to add worry about the weight on your body. And I can't seem to lessen the weight...anywhere.
So, vicious cycle. And crying wins.
Hi. My name is Kelli and I'm an emotional eater.