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Swimming Against the Tide

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I think I have been writing this blog in my head for days now, but even as I sit down to write, I don't really know what I am going to say. I have just been having such an awfully hard time with my journey lately, and have tried many of my tried and tested methods to get out of this funk but so far, nothing is working well enough to put me back on track.

A couple of weeks ago, I just stopped exercising. Don't really know why, just didn't do it one day, and then the next.. Now, it was definitely a very busy time, I had a lot going on, and I was very behind in many aspects of my life..but those would just be excuses if I tried to use them to explain why I couldn't take 30-45 minutes a day to exercise. Well, you know how that goes..you don't exercise one day, then the next, and before you know it, those couple of days turn into a week... And for me, once the physical activity stops, the bad eating begins.. The two go hand in hand for me. So I stopped moving, except for moving my hand, filled with all sorts of horrible food choices, to my waiting mouth..

Each morning I would wake up, hoping to hop on the bike..each morning I would not..and it went downhill from there. It amazes me how fast I can go from on top of the world to feeling like crap because of what I am NOT doing for myself. On top of not exercising and eating poorly, the nest thing to kick in is the aches and pains that come from not moving the mass that is my body..and then the insomnia. Now, the insomnia is usually there a few nights a week anyway, thanks to that lovely perimenopausal stage of my life, but it's worse when my stomach feels like crap because of what I'm putting into it.. So now, I was not exercising, eating poorly, and not sleeping..leaving me with less energy the next day to try to exercise to try to put myself in a better place to not eat and then to get a better night's sleep..

But I surely thought that once Easter had come and gone, I would settle back into my routine..and yesterday morning, I really thought I was there. Even though I didn't get what I would consider a full exercise session in, I did do some, and I packed a great lunch with healthy snacks...drank all my water and felt on top of the world.. then I got home from work, and felt hungry and started that grazing thing..before I knew it, I had eaten some of this and some of that, and I had not sat myself down to dinner.. I decided I had had quite enough calories and did not have dinner.. I did go upstairs to keep myself from a total night time eating meltdown.. But another night of not sleeping caused me to sleep 30 minutes later than I should have this morning...then I got up and was so tired I just had to sit and sip my coffee for a few minutes that turned into another 30 minutes..then I was really far behind. So I started to make lunches, and I did something I can honestly say I have never done, I started picking while I made lunches.. I was starving, and there was going to be no waiting.. I picked at the leftover ham I was using to make lunch sandwiches, I picked at the cookies that were in the dining room leftover from Easter, I picked at the candy dish... I picked and I picked and I picked, at 6:30 in the morning. Now, I know having all that stuff around is not good, but this isn't about having that stuff around, this is about why I did something at a time of day that I can honestly tell you that on my worst day I have never done. It felt like true hunger, that's for sure, but I certainly could have made better choices even if it was..

Out of my control is the dreary, cold, damp weather we have been having. I have this theory that we all are usually buoyed by warmer, sunny spring weather at this time of year, it rejuvenates us and makes us ready to go out there and JUST DO IT. But though there has been some of that around here these days, there hasn't been nearly enough. And I am definitely one of those people who needs at least some sunshine to shine.

So I sit here, feeling like I am swimming against the tide.. every aspect of my journey is off track, and I'm not quite sure why or how to make it better, and I am even a bit weepy. Usually by this point in a blog I've devised a plan with a blueprint to get back to those baby steps.. But today's writing has not been nearly as cathartic as writing usually is for me..

Perhaps this is going to be one of those times when I just have to change things up a bit..forget about getting on the bike, maybe I need to get to the gym and walk on the treadmill. I was hoping that when my son gets out of school today, he and I would go outside and throw the baseball around, just to get me moving a bit, and maybe go for a walk. But it's dreary and drizzly out right now..so we'll have to see if that changes.. ho hum...

I guess you could call this a little cry for help.. I don't usually make cries for help, and it feels weird to even ask..but I am.. help...
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    There was a little Blue Fish named Dori that said it right... "Just keep swimming!!" emoticon Don't give up! Take a moment and see how far you've come. Look at the good steps that you have made. If it's time for a change, try adding something new. Could be you're bored.

    Focus on the future, envision your thinnner, more healthy self watching your son play baseball, graduate, get married. How do you want those pictures to look?

    You can do it Tina. I have faith in you. Have faith in yourself.

    Just keep swimming. Sooner or later, you'll be out into smooth water.
    3466 days ago
    Hi Tina,
    I am just wondering if you should get your hormones checked especially the thyroid hormones.
    Changing routine would work but you need to have energy.
    Hope you get of the runt soon. Good luck.
    3469 days ago
    Hi, I came across your blog and just wanted to offer some encouragement and empathy!! Being a native Oregonian, I am somewhat used to bad weather. However, this year has been different. I can say the weather is getting to me and a lot of other people- but finally today it is a nice sunny day and I am off to walk with my girls, soon.
    I too, have been on a 3 week "off the wagon" period of not exercising. For me, it has been a time of mourning, as my Mom died suddenly last month. Every time I put my headphones on to start to exercise, I get too emotional. But I recognize that this is a natural part of the healing process. If I look at this as a normal part of the process, I don't have a chance to get discouraged, only encouraged and look forward to the time I move past this stage. You have many commitments; professional career, husband, son, son's activities, plus throw in some miserable weather for way too long. These are true stresses on the body. Give yourself some room to acknowledge this road bump and then drive right over it :) I wish you the best of luck and know that you are not alone in this journey!!
    Good Luck, keep us posted,
    3470 days ago
    Baby I don't have anything for you? I am doing the same da@$ dance. I don't want to exercise, I am back to my old level of diet Cok consumption and I am eating whatever, and even baking, which is not helpful.

    I could blame report cards, conferences, IOWA tests, EAster, concern for my sister.. you name it.

    The bottom line is "I'm apparently on strike." ... So, I am not going to discuss it with myself while I'm being "unreasonable", i am just going to wait until I calm down and listen to reason. ... I hope I calm down soon.

    I love ya, I KNOW you'll figure it out, or something new like Annie says, and I trust that I will too. Parallel journey again...

    dooo dooo dooo dooo!
    PS our psychic conneciton still lives... I haven't even been checking... in here as you well know.

    3474 days ago
    Oh, T!! ::hugs & kisses::

    Ya' know T... you never ever ask for help... least ways, in all the time I've known you, and I'm just gonna' say... ya' gotta' break out a' the routines & try new things from time to time. Our journey gets pretty unexciting when we keep using the same 'methods' that we call 'tried & true' but...

    The fact is... the very 1st time we tried 'em they were fresh & exciting & that's WHY they proved to be 'true' I think. The 1st time we tried 'em, they were OUT of our comfort range so we had to focus more, reach more, do more. Then... we become very comfortable & we call it routine.

    Just cuz' somethin's worked b4, doesn't mean (especially if it's old & stale) that it'll work for us again. It may comfortably 'work' for us for a short spurt, mainly, I think, because it's familiar, but then... that's 'it' & it'll seem to *fizzle* & we'll *sputter* & 'do' a stop n' go till we're freakin' out wonderin' WHY we don't wanna' 'do' it anymore.

    When we 'stop' it's NOT because we're lazy or just don't care, T. It's cuz' we're BORED!! C'mon, 99% of us can 'do' the dishes by hand with our eyes closed but... it's BORING!! Same with our exercising I think. We've gotta' change it up. Just a little movin' n' a' shakin' girlfriend. The *grazing* is the result of your BOREDOM!!

    If you don't have *sun* GET SOME!! Go to a highly lit up mall & walk it!! See if the YMCA has swimming classes you can get into. If you have a heat lamp or pretty BRIGHT lights in your bathroom, take a long *beachy* soak in the tubby. You're not only suffering from boredom with your exercise routine, you're suffering from SAD.

    Many people, especially those that live in northern regions with longer winters, suffer from seasonal affective disorder (SAD). It is a condition that literally makes individuals sad & depressed due to lack of natural sunlight & Vitamin D. Fortunately, simple light therapy has proven very effective in the treatment of this condition.


    The link (above) will take you to all sorts of info on SAD. You can google how to make a light box, and come up with a fairly inexpensive alternative to the ridiculous prices they charge for buying the light boxes used for light therapy. Hope this helps you my dearest. You just need a bit a' tweakin' & you'll be good ta' go!! heehee!!

    3475 days ago
    I'm with Kellie. You'll get past this (so will I) and we'll do it one baby step at a time. Yesterday I took on tracking. Today I took on water intake and it has been hit and miss so that will be the goal to improve again. So pick a baby step that you can see success with and keep going!

    I totally understand the relation between stopping the exercise and how the bad food habits return. I saw that too when I didn't have time to get on that treadmill other than too late in the evening for me to care.

    I also let the fatigue and the stress of such a busy week and the emotions surrounding one of those events trip me right over into emotional eating. Ice cream. Chips. Soda. I think I deserved the horrible headache that arrived Friday and didn't leave until Sunday afternoon. It's still around off and on so I know it is tied to the water intake.

    Anyway.... glad you put out a call for help. It means you aren't willing to give up on yourself and want to get things back to a better place!
    3475 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6473944
    I too have been struggling lately! I started a spring challenge today I am hoping it helps.

    You can do this! start a streak. Join the 11 for 11 challenge. Then you will atleast get in 11 mins:)
    3475 days ago
    Detours happen, but look at your health map and you will find your way back.

    3475 days ago
    Hugs...hang in there. I can so relate to what you are going through. Remember to get back to baby steps. One day at a time and one meal at a time.

    You can do it my friend!
    3475 days ago
    Oh, Tina, I so feel for you! I am with you on the wanting to sun and warmth to come and just stay. We've had a few days where it has started out sunny, but then the clouds moved in and just won't leave. Maybe you do just need to change things up. What about walking outside? I know it's cloudy and dreary, but maybe just the change of scenery would help. I know that after my rough morning yesterday, the walk around the lake helped to clear my head even though it was cloudy and chilly. You will get past this, I have faith in that. Hang in there!
    3475 days ago
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