Swimming Against the Tide
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
I think I have been writing this blog in my head for days now, but even as I sit down to write, I don't really know what I am going to say. I have just been having such an awfully hard time with my journey lately, and have tried many of my tried and tested methods to get out of this funk but so far, nothing is working well enough to put me back on track.
A couple of weeks ago, I just stopped exercising. Don't really know why, just didn't do it one day, and then the next.. Now, it was definitely a very busy time, I had a lot going on, and I was very behind in many aspects of my life..but those would just be excuses if I tried to use them to explain why I couldn't take 30-45 minutes a day to exercise. Well, you know how that goes..you don't exercise one day, then the next, and before you know it, those couple of days turn into a week... And for me, once the physical activity stops, the bad eating begins.. The two go hand in hand for me. So I stopped moving, except for moving my hand, filled with all sorts of horrible food choices, to my waiting mouth..
Each morning I would wake up, hoping to hop on the bike..each morning I would not..and it went downhill from there. It amazes me how fast I can go from on top of the world to feeling like crap because of what I am NOT doing for myself. On top of not exercising and eating poorly, the nest thing to kick in is the aches and pains that come from not moving the mass that is my body..and then the insomnia. Now, the insomnia is usually there a few nights a week anyway, thanks to that lovely perimenopausal stage of my life, but it's worse when my stomach feels like crap because of what I'm putting into it.. So now, I was not exercising, eating poorly, and not sleeping..leaving me with less energy the next day to try to exercise to try to put myself in a better place to not eat and then to get a better night's sleep..
But I surely thought that once Easter had come and gone, I would settle back into my routine..and yesterday morning, I really thought I was there. Even though I didn't get what I would consider a full exercise session in, I did do some, and I packed a great lunch with healthy snacks...drank all my water and felt on top of the world.. then I got home from work, and felt hungry and started that grazing thing..before I knew it, I had eaten some of this and some of that, and I had not sat myself down to dinner.. I decided I had had quite enough calories and did not have dinner.. I did go upstairs to keep myself from a total night time eating meltdown.. But another night of not sleeping caused me to sleep 30 minutes later than I should have this morning...then I got up and was so tired I just had to sit and sip my coffee for a few minutes that turned into another 30 minutes..then I was really far behind. So I started to make lunches, and I did something I can honestly say I have never done, I started picking while I made lunches.. I was starving, and there was going to be no waiting.. I picked at the leftover ham I was using to make lunch sandwiches, I picked at the cookies that were in the dining room leftover from Easter, I picked at the candy dish... I picked and I picked and I picked, at 6:30 in the morning. Now, I know having all that stuff around is not good, but this isn't about having that stuff around, this is about why I did something at a time of day that I can honestly tell you that on my worst day I have never done. It felt like true hunger, that's for sure, but I certainly could have made better choices even if it was..
Out of my control is the dreary, cold, damp weather we have been having. I have this theory that we all are usually buoyed by warmer, sunny spring weather at this time of year, it rejuvenates us and makes us ready to go out there and JUST DO IT. But though there has been some of that around here these days, there hasn't been nearly enough. And I am definitely one of those people who needs at least some sunshine to shine.
So I sit here, feeling like I am swimming against the tide.. every aspect of my journey is off track, and I'm not quite sure why or how to make it better, and I am even a bit weepy. Usually by this point in a blog I've devised a plan with a blueprint to get back to those baby steps.. But today's writing has not been nearly as cathartic as writing usually is for me..
Perhaps this is going to be one of those times when I just have to change things up a bit..forget about getting on the bike, maybe I need to get to the gym and walk on the treadmill. I was hoping that when my son gets out of school today, he and I would go outside and throw the baseball around, just to get me moving a bit, and maybe go for a walk. But it's dreary and drizzly out right now..so we'll have to see if that changes.. ho hum...
I guess you could call this a little cry for help.. I don't usually make cries for help, and it feels weird to even ask..but I am.. help...