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Not easy or better....just different......

Monday, April 04, 2011

My last blog..2/25/11..the day before I lost my Rudy.

I have to say this has not been easy for me. Rudy was my kid, my best friend, my world, my soul mate, my every thing.

I knew this day was coming. I spent every day and second (since bringing him home from the hospital) enjoying my time with him. We did so much together. We had such a bond. So, when the time came, I wasn¡¦t prepared to say goodbye yet, but I also knew that my love for this little guy and I would not let him suffer one second. We had a nice service for Rudy and he is buried in the most beautiful pet cemetery.

I go every Saturday to put flowers on his grave. I have to. I just can't stand to not. I miss him so much. I light a candle for him every evening and have a battery operated one that is on for him all night. I guess people can think I'm crazy, but I always left a small light on for my boy so he could find his water and food dish during the night. He was my little night eater! It's my way of letting him know that I am always thinking about him and I am with him always and that he can find his way home to me always.

I have to say that I have held on pretty well for the most part. I was so focused on doing everything right for Rudy. When it came time to make the decision, I called my boys (ages 26 and 25) to the house to say goodbye. I backed away those final hours so that my boys had time with Rude. They were raised with him and loved him so much. I've never seen my two boys cry so hard. I hope that Rudy knows that I was there. I just backed away so my boys had their time. I figured I had 4 wonderful weeks to the day with Rudy...now my boys deserved their time. I know it was important to Rudy just by the way he responded to the sound of their voices when they arrived. It was heart breaking, but heart warming at the same time because Rudy was happy that they were there. I let my boys make the decision on Rudy's final resting spot at the cemetery, they made him a beautiful casket and temporary grave marker. They treated him with such care. On our way to the cemetery, I followed behind my oldest son's pickup. Rudy was in the second seat with my youngest son right beside him. My oldest son flew a huge American flag on the back of his truck just for Rudy. Rudy was born on the 4th of July.

I'm so thankful and blessed that Rudy came into my life. I have said from day one when I brought him home that he is an angel. He was one exceptional dog. I could read his mind he was so gentle and caring. I feel like I've been on a rollercoaster ride. I smile thinking about him, but then I just break down and sob I miss him so much. Last week was the hardest. It was a month since he has been gone. I had a pretty bad anxiety/panic attack. I sobbed even harder because when I get these, Rudy was always there to calm me down. He would come and gently put his head on my knee and just sit there quietly starring at me telling me ¨I'm here Mama..it will be ok!¨. I would hug him and rub his paws and my anxiety/panic attack would pass. Last week I thought I was going to die. I couldn't get it to stop and I cried harder because Rudy wasn't there to calm me. So, I grabbed his picture and held it close to my heart and made my Riley cuddle with me. I don't think he liked it too much. He's my protector, but he's also more of a wiggle worm and wants to lick me to death which I know thats his way of showing his love, but in the middle of a panic attack...it doesn't work for me. But, Riley and I are there for each other and are working through all this together. He's grieving hard to. It's just hard because nothing is the same for either of us..it's all different now.

I know Rudy is with me. He has come to be several times in visions. The first one was the morning that I buried him (see him in the truck window in the picture). Luckily I was able to get pictures with my camera. It's comforting to me to know that he is with me. In the end I told him that I loved him and to please always be with the Mama. He is holding true to my request. He's letting me know it will all be ok.

I've been starting to lose weight now. Riley and I are starting to walk more. I've also been able to stop smoking with only a few slip ups every now and then. I was on Chantix, but decided..I can't do it. So, I stopped taking it and every time I get the craving, I look at Rudy's picture. I told myself...here is this beautiful boy whose life was taken way too soon by cancer and he didn't deserve it. Here I am smoking and playing Russian roulette with my life. What is wrong with me? Rudy would give anything (and I would too) to still be here. So, I'm going to do this for Rudy. It's amazing but I have gained so much strength from him. It's just unexplainable. It's almost like he is still talking to me. I am so thankful for my special little guy.

So, with Rudy's spirit guiding me and my little Riley here by my side physically every step of the way...I'm going to get healthier. They are my inspiration. They have always been there for me. I'm so blessed and can't thank them enough. Now, it's my turn to take care of myself in honor of them for all that they have done for me and the love they have shown me these past 10-1/2 years. They would want Mama to take care of herself. That's just the way my four-legged boys are!

I also would like to thank all of you for your kind words and prayers for Rudy. It meant so much to me...I can't thank you all enough.
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I also have a page for Rudy at Rainbow Bridge if anyone would like to see it....

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • HOPE2011
    Thank you for sharing your beautiful boy with us. emoticon
    3612 days ago
    Thank you for sharing so much about Rudy. He was a very special spirit in your life - and so very blessed to have you love him. He will never be gone because he lives in your heart and memories. You are so brave and are an inspiration by using his spirit to help you be healthy. He would want that for you. May he continue to be with you in your memories, both through the smiles and the tears.

    3617 days ago
    I have been thinking about you and am so glad to hear from you again. It is so, so hard to lose one of our furry friends, especially one so special as Rudy. You did the right thing by backing away and giving your sons their time with Rudy; I am quite sure he knew you were still there and appreciated you giving them time together. Do take care of yourself, it is a way of honoring and remembering Rudy.

    3617 days ago
    emoticon Thank you so much for sharing Rudy's story, how special you both are. It brought back memories (painful and joyful) of my Australian Cattle Dog - Lessa who I had to put to sleep 2 1/2 years ago at age 17. She was the best dog in the world to me and I still miss her. I am glad that you have found the Rainbow Bridge, it is a comforting thought that we will all one day be reunited.

    Take care.
    3617 days ago
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