Day 460: The Big Picture
Friday, April 01, 2011
I was lying on my stomach. He was looking down at me as he lifted the edge of my shiny black panties with the extra wide band to rub minty cream in the nape of my back.
Why am I always wearing the undies that come up to my navel when some dude is gonna see them? [Sigh.]
His hands were so I’ve-never-done-hard-labor soft, caressing my back softly as some new age music crooned in the background. And I swear I smelled girly air freshener dancing through the darkened room.
After a few minutes, he asked me politely to roll over and proceeded to bend my leg, pushing my knee toward my chest. “Let me know how that feels?” he queried. [How about friggin’ AND awesome?!]
I have never seen a man so meticulously pretty. I am not even into pretty men [give me some dude with a few dinks and dents and a tool belt any day – and I am good.]
I keep my eyes closed while he attends to my body because he was too shiny to look at directly without sunglasses - like the sun. He had a boyish face with chiseled features, salt-and-pepper short hair and was about 6’4” [just super yumminess all over.]
Rub me again, doctor. [No, really. Over and over again.]
This was some serious sensory overload.
I had just come from work, my herniated disc was killing me because I tried to lift my old couch to make room for my new couch [yes, I know – that was dumb] and this was my first visit to my new chiropractor, Dr. Feelgood. [Now, I understand the glowing recommendation.]
He stood behind me as I lay on the table lifting my hair in a very caring way, massaging my neck with his thumb [and I have never loved my HMO more than I did in that moment.]
When we were done – he asked in completely professional way, “Do you have any questions?” [Yes, be my luvah. Oops. That was not a question. My bad.]
“Nope. I’m good. That was all very interesting,” I said matter-of-factly. He laughed. Even his teeth were pretty. [I know. Right? Get a grip.]
In general, I love chiropractors more than cheesecake.
Once, I dumped some dude because he launched into this whole “I don’t believe in chiropractors thing” in my house after I said I had an appointment. [Blasphemy!]
One of the reasons to own property is to relegate such ridiculata to places far away from me.
And I hate when people analyze the joy out things. Such lame concepts like fun or pleasure for pleasure’s sake must be picked apart like the sale rack at a department store.
If the only reason a person is dislodging the stick in their asparagus is to share some nuggets of negativity, please keep that stick in tact [I friggin’ implore them…um, in my head. Consider it community service or something.]
Everything doesn’t have to be serious or debate-worthy or soapbox-ready.
Sometimes all I need to know is the big picture. Does it make me feel good? Does it work for me? Is there yummy touching? Great. Bring it on. Next.
That is why I am talking about touchy subjects like my abusive childhood [like the last blog.] Those events gave me perspective in a lot of things.
And that is when I learned to focus on the big picture – getting out.
And it taught me the difference between what is really bad
And everything else.
On this journey, water weight or losses or gains or scales or bad nutrition days
Are just part of the gig. They are just regular things.
And certainly not the worst things that could happen to a person.
And weight loss is not even the best part
The best things – bar none - are freedom and peace.
New dresses are great.
Looking in the mirror and loving whatever I see is better.
I am not trying to undermine the importance of the twists and turns of this journey.
I am saying I refuse to spend 2 years counting down pounds like I am shuffling to the guillotine.
Every step tentative, every step immersed in impending doom.
I’d rather count adventures
Or how many reasons my life rocks or days I feel amazing for no reason at all.
I am considering it payback for all the years I tortured myself and my body.
Here is how I am gonna remember my plateau [which I am calling my FDP - Fabulosity Development Period]
Walking around naked in high heels
Learning to love and respect my curves
Finishing my Master’s degree [in web design]
And starting a new one [maybe an MBA. Tell me not to do this. Really. My job pays for it. To me, it’s like a sale. Why wouldn’t I go?]
Having parties and people using my toilet [which I hate, but I did it]
Embracing all that I am [the recluse, the big mouth, the quirky part, the conservative part, the old me, the new me, the jiggly bits, and the thighs that are so in love they refuse to stop touching.]
Making new friends who love and understand and accept me [and ridding myself of some clunkers]
Feeling comfortable in my own skin - even when I go to the corner store wearing black socks and brown sandals [I know. Right?! I morphed into someone’s grandpa. Goddess of all things fierce, RuPaul, would have quivered in her stilettos.]
And slaying emotional dragons and winning [natch]
So I can start a brand new life to match the brand new me.
That is the big picture.
Living is the big picture.