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Day 435: The Uterus Patrol

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Monday, March 07, 2011

“He’s married, you know?” chided the lady holding my form hostage - and a card-carrying member of the uterus patrol [who I am defining as people who are entirely too involved/vocal about my single life.]

For me, there are very good reasons not to chat with some people: a) it involves engaging with them for more than 5 seconds and b) it is like water torture.

But the reason I asked “Who’s the new guy?” was because he was “new” - not because I was looking for random seed to fill my womb by the photocopier before my morning coffee.

For some reason, waiting for a form thingie requires the obligatory chat.
[Drats to all forms and their handlers!]

Life seems to be just one long paper trail at times - and paper can suck it. [Pardon me – while I give the finger to my multi-form tax return.]

I’ve written this heartfelt note to the uterus patrol…

D-bags [duffel bags],

My problem with you is not that you feel the need to drop into every conversation that I am single, and therefore, somehow broken. My problem with you is that you dare to define how I should live MY life.

And I have simply never thought of housing anything in my uterus voluntarily - ever [and the idea of dressing more than one person in the morning seems like magic of which I am not capable.]

I hate dating because it rarely proves to validate all of the effort it requires [and I am busy doing things I like with people I already know.]

I can actually get through a whole day without proposing to random men, planning a wedding in my head or freezing my eggs.

I don’t want to do any of the following when I get home: negotiate, compromise, clean up after someone, share my stuff or my money or pretend to want [insert Pig Latin here] ex-say all the time and/or fake it.

And no, I will not magically or suddenly like/want to do any of the aforementioned when the “right” man comes along.

Yes, I still believe in love [like Target and really comfy shoes.] But I am busy. M’kay?

Now, go away. Thanks.

Um… I am still exploring my anger.

And damn – it feels good. There is something about standing up for one’s self with very clear intentions – that is better than years of therapy.

Suppressing anger was a problem.

All-consuming or uncontrolled anger was a problem.

But anger with a trajectory is a beautiful thing – a useful thing.

And sometimes getting [insert Pig Latin here] issed-pay off is what it takes.

When I was 17, I got angry enough about the abuse to start planning my escape from my mother’s house. College was my out.

I thought she would kill me [literally] if she found out I wanted to move out so I took one piece of clothing every day and left it at my friend’s house. I just wanted to sneak away one night.

A couple of months after I started my covert operation, she confronted me. “I noticed some of your clothes are missing,” Darth Vader announced as I was standing in front of my closet – I remember as if it were yesterday.

She said I could stay if I did what she said. My mother was a con artist amongst other things. [I know. Right?! Yes, that is a real thing.]

Ironically, being raised in a household where there were decidedly little ethics – made me obsessively ethical [go figure.]

Even further, there is no way to separate my anger and the person I have become.

Because she called me “stupid” every day

I channeled that anger into being a straight-A student [like what is a B? Send an email. Thanks.]

Because I had to get a job in high school to buy my own soap and toiletries [she didn’t want her stuff touching my skin]

I am a budgeting ninja who is hypersensitive about money with almost perfect credit and purchased a house in the middle of a recession

Because I spent my childhood being called “ugly” and “stupid” and “fat” - and being dragged around by my ponytails while she laughed [yes, laughed]

I have never used these words to describe myself or anyone else. And the idea of hitting another living creature makes me want to vomit.

So as I stood in front of the closet - seriously wanting to piss my pants – I told Darth Vader I was leaving. And I left.

I am not saying she made me into who I am. I made me into who I am.

[Don’t get it twisted. She wasn’t trying to teach me anything. She was trying to torture me.]

I am saying

No one can make you do or be anything you do not want to do or be.

And while I am on the topic – here is what makes me angry about talking about anger.

Inevitably, people will always push for forgiveness – just forgive her, they will say - like it is some magic pill

[Disagree. Shallow resolutions lead to fleeting ones. I am convinced.]

Or just let it go - is the other throw-away statement as

They look for a clean, pithy answers to very complex situations - when there aren’t any

Digging through the wreckage of the past is what it takes

And it takes as long as it takes

I have already purged this - I am just documenting it because I feel it is important. But that is not the point...

The point is it is not magic. It is work.

Hard work. That is all.

And I am lucky to have survived and to be sane and to be happy [very lucky]

Now, I am looking at the sun on the horizon long after the battle has been won

And it’s a beautiful thing.

Yes, I am cleaning up some shrapnel here and there – but I have still won

And winning is the point. Peace is the point.

Not being afraid to get ticked off – especially when it is justified.

Not eating my feelings.

And not pretending to be anything I am not.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You just inspire and amaze me. All the time. And you are just a stranger I don't even know. My heart goes out to you, and is proud of you. And so happy you are still on here after I have been away so long. There are just so many ppl out there hurting with untold stories. So glad you are sharing yours. I have a lot of catching up to do with your blogs so..ttyl!!

    2819 days ago
  • WILSON425
    I do not understand why some people think that just because they have a child, they can do with that child whatever they want. I myself believe that they are not disposable. Use, abuse, and discard? Hell no. Not on my watch! emoticon
    2953 days ago
    Growing up with "Mommy Dearest" is a very hard thing to do (speaking from someone who has followed in those same footsteps). And as
    OBLACK1994 said, I also have the fear to not repeating what I have endured onto my child.

    Forgiveness. Yeah. I couldn't start healing until I was out of the house and allowed the anger to flow for a few years. Then, it calmed and balanced itself. But, it's still an ongoing battle since now, with a child, I'm reminded daily of what I went through and hoping I don't go too much of the extreme of NOT doing the same and overdoing it waaaay on the other side of emotions. Balance. It's a hard one to achieve. Strength. It's a hard one to accept. Being fully healed? It's a hard thing to know that will never happen. Happiness? It's a surprising thing when finally found.
    3139 days ago
  • OBLACK1994
    WOOWWWWW!!! HEART IS TOUCHED!!! First of all after reading this I wanna say Congrats for surving this! I too come from a broken home and I work daily to better myself along with not repeat what i have endured onto my children.. AND forgiving is Very hard to do, but in a sense I have already. Thank you for sharing. That says a lot about you! Keep on doing you... emoticon emoticon
    3155 days ago
    You have written my life in a nutshell in this blog! LOL! Thanks for articulating it so well! I can totally relate to this blog topic.
    3155 days ago
    OH my gosh. I just read your blog today. You are one amazingly strong, brave, intelligent, beautiful young woman. You probably don't know how many people you have hewlped who have experienced the same kind of abuse. You are an amazing person.
    3165 days ago
    I love what you said about anger. I recently learned that. It's freeing!

    Great blog!!


    3171 days ago
    What's forgiveness? Give me some well thought out revenge any day :)
    *Then* I might forgive, although, to be honest, I'm not aiming for the Kingdom of Heaven so all I need is to feel at peace with myself. If someone wants my forgiveness they can buy it, in exceptional circumstances I do bulk discounts :)

    And why let it go, where's the fun in that, when you can be rubbing your hands every time you achieve something that flies in the face of whatever they were saying about you, and think: "take this, you [insert Pig Latin here] rick-pot!"
    They might not even know what you've achieved, but that isn't important. What counts is that *you* know, and that you can flip your mental finger at them any time you wish.

    And, uhmm... could I co-sign the note?
    3171 days ago
    You're right, there is no easy answer to abuse and anger, and when you have been abused then forgiveness is not an option. These issues are complex and take a looooong time to deal with.

    You've grown into just the person I want to be...strong, independent, motivational, and unafraid. Keep your head up and be your own woman!
    3171 days ago
    You are an amazingly strong, beautiful lady and as long as YOU are happy it doesn't matter a toss what other people think you should do. You look incredible in your photo gallery. Well done you for turning your life around and for being so inspirational. I hope you don't mind me adding you as a friend. emoticon emoticon
    3171 days ago
  • no profile photo KOKOMOROCK
    Not letting yourself be brought down by the things that your mom did to you - great ! Not letting others opinions of you slow you down -great ! Sharing your humor and life lessons with the rest of us - absolutely priceless !
    You are amazing.
    3172 days ago
    Right on, girlfriend!
    3172 days ago
    You are so right: YOU made you who you are. Thanks so much for sharing!!

    I am happily married with kids, but you do what YOU need/want to do. No one else knows how to do it better... emoticon
    3173 days ago
    Thanks for sharing. While I had a dysfunctional childhood and moved out when I was a sophomore in high school to get away from it, I did not have some of the same issues as you. I too learned to be a better, stronger person because of it. You are an amazing person and I am glad I can call you my friend. Have a wonderful day!!
    3179 days ago
    I can relate. I had an abusive upbringing, but even writing that I cringe, not that others may know, but because my parents are so in denial about our upbringing that I still always feel like I'm exaggerating.

    It took a long time, but I've forgiven my father. Ironically, I found it easier to forgive him for the things he did, than my mother for looking the other way and making excuses. I'm still not sure if I've really forgiven her, but we are communicating better now. It is a lot of effort, but it's worth it, in my case. (I want my son to have a good relationship with his grandparents.)

    I hope you're able to find peace, if you haven't yet. Thanks for sharing.

    3179 days ago
    Have I mentioned that besides being the blog goddess - you are one of my heroes?! emoticon
    3187 days ago
    Thank you for the courage you showed in sharing these thoughts and emotions. Be proud that you came out the other end of the story with ethics and values and an obviously well-functioning brain. Be grateful you had enough sense to see the situation was untenable and that you were brave enough to seek another route.

    The uterus police? Ignore them! Love will come to you if it is right and you are ready. If you never find a great, true love, are you less of a person? Less of a woman? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! A few are concerned that you are "alone" because they truly love and value their own partners and they want you to have that in your life because they care about you. I am pretty sure that the majority just want as many others as possible to be in the same boat as they are.

    You sound as if you are doing just fine. You're working on the education you want, you live where you want, you have a job you like, you have friends and interests and a garden and a cat and a life! Pat yourself on the back and be proud of yourself! You deserve it!

    3188 days ago
    Real... I'm beginning to like real!
    3189 days ago
  • BRIGET66
    This is one of the first blogs I read when I arrived here. But I was too new and scared to really comment or even THINK to add anyone as a friend.

    But somehow I migrated back here and was moved again by your post. You remind me of myself in quite a few ways and I'd love it if I could add you as my friend!

    (You're writing is amazing, btw..)
    3194 days ago
    Wow! You blow me away everytime! You are amazing!
    3194 days ago
  • SANDIE63
    As a mom of teenagers, I was sad as I read your blog entry for the little kid that was in that house - and felt triumphant that you came out to be whole.
    Many would not - there are a thousand ways to self destruct - it sounds like you have managed enough of them.
    Here's to being whole and happy, whatever life you choose.
    I have been married for 17 years- and I have *many times* envied the single - the lack of committee decision making - the lack of compromise, the freedom (and terror) of doing it alone.
    The life of a wife and mother is at times, very hard. Do not do it unless you know for sure. I respect those who know themselves well enough no to.
    Have a great week!
    3197 days ago
    You are one of my favorite people on the planet at this moment. I am often tickled by your insights, but today I just feel an overwhelming sense of love and respect.

    I would never presume to tell you how *you* need to heal and grow and reconcile your past, but I will absolutely support you - 100% - in your journey to dismantle old, unhealthy habits, as you continue to create the amazing woman you are and are becoming.

    And the UP can suck it, as far as I'm concerned...single too :)
    3198 days ago
    Love it!! Same thing when I was in my 30s and single. Now that I'm married and in my 40s it's the whole baby thing. I don't want children. I like children, but my husband and I decided not to have any. This is our business, but everyone feels like they can just comment freely on my advanced age and non-parental status. Having children just because society thinks I should would be just plain wrong. I applaud you for being a strong and fearless female! I think you are awesome!!
    3199 days ago
    I too am lucky (blessed) to have my sanity intact after having to raise myself from the age of 6 years old. anywho i so take your blogs like a vitamin thank you so much for sharing. emoticon
    3200 days ago
    Good for you. I'm so glad I stopped by and read this. You're blog made me realize a few things about myself - like for instance, maybe my experiences themselves didn't make me who I am, maybe I used those experiences to make decisions about who I want to be and who I strive to be. It sounds like you may have used yours similarly. In any case, thank you for sharing all of that. And, heck, get angry. Sometimes, it's just plain necessary.

    3201 days ago
    I've been so lax in keeping up with my friends on SP lately and for that, please forgive me. I knew you had written several blogs I wanted to read so this is one of the first places I came when I finally sat down and got on here.

    I want you to know, you are one of the reasons I keep coming back to SP. Food for thought is enough to be a banquet like when 5000 were feed with a few loaves of bread and fish. In a word "miraculous". Keep it up girl. No one does it quite like you.

    Love as always, Jan
    3203 days ago
    WOW! I have so much respect for you and your point of view about anger issues. I am still trying to learn to direct my anger in the right way. Not eating my emotions and getting to a place where I can stop stuffing them is a goal I'm working on.

    I wrote my mom a long e-mail the other day and said so many things I couldn't say to her face {cal it cowardice}. Well she got so upset and defensive and demanded I talk to her in person about it. We had a long talk, and got a lot of things straightened out and at the same time left a lot on the table that needs to be discussed.

    My mom was never abusive, so I can't compare our situations on that level. Like you said it's up to us to be who we want to be. I congratulate you on making the best life for yourself, by being honest about who you are.

    3205 days ago
    Thank you for writing that. It's always amazed me how people want others to stuff genunine and valid anger...and somehow expect others to instantly forgive.
    3207 days ago
    Wow, all I can say is that you are just such a wonderful person.
    The world needs so many more like you.
    Peace, we all need it and you are so able to discern when someone is trying to disturb your peace.
    Thanks for sharing your life so openly with us.
    god bless you!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3211 days ago
    And I am lucky to have survived and to be sane and to be happy [very lucky] Wow! emoticon
    3211 days ago
    Coming out of an unethical household made me super ethical, too! I hate lying, liars, and treat people as well as I can.

    You are responsible for your choices and you made good ones, even coming from where you did. Great blog, well-written, and so honest!

    You are very inspiring! Keep sparking! I look forward to reading more!
    3211 days ago
    Continue to Do You!!
    3211 days ago
    emoticon DAYUM girl! You are just...amazing! Nuff said?
    3211 days ago
    AMEN from a shrapnel cleaner. I am so happy to worked through startling easily and hyper vigilance. Just like you, having to read the emotions in a room in less than a second and knowing evil exists and yes, anything is possible, makes me really great at my job!

    So well put. Thank you! emoticon emoticon
    3211 days ago
    Reading your blog, i related very strongly having big , big issues with my mother, too.
    But more than relation i felt Pleasure, Happiness and i almost heard this triumphant background - music!
    Something dramatically hopeful left me pleasurably inebriated .
    I will not try to analyse or understand it.
    I will just use this exhilarating experience , returning again and again in your words....
    Thank you , friend!
    K. emoticon
    3211 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/13/2011 7:25:22 AM
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3211 days ago
    Thank you so much for your honesty. The part about abusive mothers, and being told to just forgive, resonates with me. While I do forgive my mother for the unspeakable abuses, I don't forget or let her in my life. People who tell me to just forgive for the sake of others are speaking about their own comfort levels. I, too, claim the right to choose the life I want, and having a willfully destructive person claiming any part of me just doesn't work.
    3211 days ago
    Love how you put it all out there in words for all to read. You are a wonderful writer. I have attempted a few blog posts but nothing like yours. You put your heart and sole in your posts and I admire that.
    emoticon emoticon
    3211 days ago
  • FITBOD2019
    I too have had to work hard to put past abuse away... I agree it isn't as simple as forgiving or letting go. Thoughts tend to creep in at the most random times and it takes an effort to recognize that they are not true anymore, that I will chose not to believe the lies that were told to me, that I am free from the prison that suffocated me for over 10 years.
    I can relate to what you said about choosing to not be with a man, that it's ok, it's peaceful and relaxing to be alone (not lonely), to be spontaneous without first having to check with someone if it is ok with them if I do this or that, to know what money is coming in and going out, to skip dinner if I don't feel like cooking and it won't bother anyone.
    Thank you for writing without restrictions!
    3212 days ago
  • FRUITY76
    You are amazing....thank you for sharing.
    3212 days ago
    3212 days ago
  • DIMI1124
    I love your realness. I love your honesty and I love your BRILLANCE. Keep shining!!!
    3212 days ago
    Righteous anger is cathartic. Thanks, again and again. T.
    3213 days ago
    It's funny how the ones that try to cure us of our singleness seem to end up whining to us about their partners! Why would I ever want to volunteer to throw away my freedom?
    The answer is, I wouldn't.
    You go girl!
    3213 days ago
    I am not saying she made me into who I am. I made me into who I am.

    I can say the same thing... just insert he for she... parents are not always on your side and you have to develop outside their world and create your own. Good on you TEENY and good one me too!
    3213 days ago
    You are such an inspiration Teeny.
    You are a beautiful person and you shine emoticon
    3213 days ago
    Oops, Spark posted my comment on the wrong blog. GR!
    3213 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/1/2011 11:07:38 AM
    I've never been to a chiropractor. Sounds like I am missing something. emoticon

    Thanks for posting today. You are an inspiration. emoticon
    3213 days ago
    Thank you for sharing,,,,I admire your strenght and your attitude emoticon
    3214 days ago
    That was a very powerful message. thank you for sharing. While I don't share your past and childhood - I certainly relate to your being single and loving it.... compromise..??? why??? haha!
    thanks again!
    3215 days ago
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